Everybody Ought To Have An Elf (filk)

[coriolan_cmc2001]

No: HPFGUIDX 39399

This filk was inspired by the recent thread on house-elves:

Everybody Ought To Have An Elf

(To the tune of Everybody Ought To Have A Maid, from A Funny Thing 
Happened on the Way to the Forum)

Dedicated to Felicia Rickmann (a fellow Sondheim fan)

Hear a MIDI of the original at:

http://www.broadwaymidi.com/shows/funny_thing_happened_on_the_way_to_t
he_forum.html 

THE SCENE: The ground of Hogwarts. Enter LUCIUS and CROUCH, Sr. 

LUCIUS
Everybody ought to have an elf
Everybody ought to have a helpful sprite
Everybody ought to use their elf-ful might
For straightening up the home

CROUCH 
Everybody ought to have an elf
Everybody ought to own such modest slaves
Although they are the oddest knaves
Who are even more weird than gnomes.

LUCIUS
Oh, Oh, wouldn't it be reposing
Having `em without clothing
To do the chores?
BC: Oh, Oh, wouldn't it be relaxing
LM: Working less
BC: Shirking more?

BOTH
Everybody ought to have an elf
Someone who you sign up when you need a serf
To labor on your bit of turf
Who never have need to roam. 
LM: Moiling in the kitchen 
BC: Boiling up my coffee
LM: Broiling up some dinner
BC: Spoiling up the master
BOTH: Toiling all around the home!

LUCIUS:
Oh, oh, wouldn't it oppressive
Were I to use excessive
Elf-discipline?
Oh, Oh, wouldn't it be malicious
Slapping down
Strapping in

BOTH:
Everybody ought to have an elf
Someone proudly showing the ingredients
Of absolute obedience
Who'll scrape before our throne
LM: Keeling beneath their burdens
BC: Reeling off their Creole
LM: Kneeling `fore their owners
BOTH: Concealing fam'ly secrets
Squealing all around the home

CROUCH 
Everybody ought to have an elf
Everybody ought to have a vassal who
Tries so hard not to hassle you
While cleaning with fine-toothed combs

LUCIUS
Oh, oh, think of them as a captive,
Who are highly adaptive 
Slogging about.
CROUCH: 
Oh, oh, shouldn't they be exploited,
Giving in,
Giving out.

LUCIUS
Everybody ought to have an elf, 
If their work does not give you astonishment
Assign to them self-punishment
They're eager to atone!

LM: Yardening in the garden,
BC: Guarding all through the arbors,
LM: Ardently bearing tea trays,
BC Laboring in each doorway
BOTH: Bustling all around the home!
The home!
The home!

(Enter DUMBLEDORE, a bit abashed at having to sing in such company)

DUMBLEDORE 
Everybody ought to have an elf
Someone who's established in their servitude
Who know just how to serve a dude
And shy away from crusades! 
Oh, oh, aren't they all so domestic
Doing their very best if 
They don't get paid 
Oh, oh, aren't they so very loyal

LUCIUS
Don't we all
Have it made?

CROUCH & LUCIUS
Everybody ought to have an elf,
Even those with a name that means "bumblebee"
And though he thinks he's humble, he
Cannot his part evade.

DUMBLEDORE
Balancing up my budget

LUCIUS
Drudgering in your kitchen

CROUCH
Trudgering in your dorm rooms

DUMBLEDORE
Fudgering up the Weasleys

CROUCH & LUCIUS
Smudgering all about your rep!
Your rep!
Your rep!

  - CMC

HARRY POTTER FILKS 
http://home.att.net/~coriolan/hpfilks.htm