TBAY: HP and the Superfluous Scene

[pippin_999]

No: HPFGUIDX 40188

Utilizing a handy time turner, Pippin reappears on the deck of the 
as yet unnamed barge, slightly before she left. She pushes her 
previous self overboard, ignoring all paradox issues thus raised 
in the tradition of JKR herself.

> "Unhand that can(n)on, foul knaves!" shouts Dicentra.  "That 
can(n)on is mine by right. I have won it by the power of mine own 
sword in goodly battle."
> 
> "I doubt that," says Pippin, eyeing Dicentra carefully and 
backing away slowly.  "You've not found a superfluous scene but 
an extremely*subtle* scene.  Look, it's Crookshanks' first 
Sirius-directed effort to nab Pettigrew. We don't know that on first 
reading, though Rowling helpfully offers us a hint: 'mangy cur!'"
> 
> Dicentra pulls her waterproof copy of PoA out of her robes and 
turns to page 364 of the Scholastic Edition. "I don't think you can 
assert *when* Sirius and Crookshanks began to collaborate. 
<snip arguments>.
> 
> "See?  There is no timeframe given as to when they began to 
work together.  Sirius doesn't say that he first tried to get in, then 
he got the cat to help him.  You can assume that if you want, but 
the text doesn't support it. <<

Pippin whips out her own hardcover and does a quick check for 
dates:

10/15 Crookshanks attacks Ron's bag. Ron and Hermione 
argue about it.
10/31 Saturday morning. Ron and Hermione make up their spat 
over Crookshanks. 
10/31 evening.  Attack on the Fat Lady
11/6 Saturday  Harry stops Crookshanks and reckons Ron is 
right about him.

"Hah! It doesn't seem likely to me that Ron and Hermione would 
have made up their dispute or that Harry would have made his 
remark if Crookshanks had been  trying to get at Scabbers all 
that time."  Pippin and Debbie hoist the cannon triumphantly 
overboard, but Dicentra makes a last ditch effort to save it.
 
Dicentra:

 >>Frankly, the timing in this is all screwed up anyway: Sirius 
goes after Scabbers for the second time *after* Scabbers fakes 
his own death.  Sirius knew it was a faked death, so why go 
looking in Ron's bed for him? This smells suspiciously like a 
FLINT to me.  But this barge don't collect FLINTS, it collects... 
um... superfluity."<<

Pippin counters:
"Sirius attacks *because* he knows it's a fake death. At that point 
Scabbers was probably still in Gryffindor Tower, perhaps even 
still in Ron's dorm room.  Crookshanks would know. Sirius may 
have been trying to panic Pettigrew into showing himself.  Or 
maybe Sirius is just plain gonzo. Manic!Depressive Sirius, 
anybody?"

Dicentra rolls her eyes. Pippin just can't seem to stop bad 
mouthing perfectly good characters. Mrs. Figg. Lupin. Sirius. Is 
there no end? 

Dicentra shoos them away from the can(n)on.  "This baby is 
staying right where it is, ladies.  Right next to the *wholechapter* 
of GoF that Cindy gave me.  <

Undismayed, Pippin summons the ELVIRA lifeboat. She and  
Debbie heft the can(n)on into the ELVIRA lifeboat with 
the help of the refugee Snape theories. Pippin notes that the bay 
is getting crowded. There used to be just SHIPS, but now there 
are hedgehogs, flamingos, featherboas, numerous dioramas, 
and for some reason, a kitchen appliance.

Pippin is still rolling her eyes at Dicentra:

Oh dear. That is not a superfluous chapter. How could we be 
touched by the bereaved Diggorys if we hadn't met them in 
happier days? Not amid the hurly burly of the world cup, but in a 
quiet moment while the wizarding world was still at peace? And 
don't we have to remind everyone that Cedric is the rival Seeker 
who actually beat Harry at Quidditch?

And that hike to the portkey, well, JKR has to show us how 
portkeys work, doesn't she?

Yes, says Dicentra, but why have everybody take this long walk 
up a hill when it's not even light yet?

Pippin stammers and mumbles, but then she's inspired by  
Debbie's brilliant analysis of Snape's remark about the cauldron 
full of potion in message #40141. With a sigh of relief, Pippin 
continues:

This is basic garden variety Flint-proofing, this is.  We are given 
to understand that  the MOM is in charge of portkeys, and for 
some reason known only to itself, makes it massively 
inconvenient for the average wizard to use them.  Otherwise we 
would be asking    questions which are downright prehistoric in 
respect of having flinty points,  like, 'Why don't the Weasleys just 
portkey to Kings Cross instead of having to hire all those taxis. 
Come to think of it, why doesn't everyone? Why do they have to 
take the train at all?' etc.

Pleased with their work, Pippin and Debbie load another 
can(n)on onto the ELVIRA. Dicentra is understandably upset. But 
Pippin whips out her trusty can of white paint and carefully labels 
the now can(n)onless  but no longer nameless barge:

G.A.R.B.A.G.E.S.C.O.W.--Gibberish, Altogether Redundant 
Blather And Gobbledegook Everywhere! Superfluous Can(n)on 
Obtains Welcome

Pippin
who  thinks an entire cauldronful should hold more than a mere 
seven cups worth of potion, but concedes she has no support for 
this other than the dictionary definition of a cauldron: " a large 
kettle or boiler."  Less than two quarts is not large, in her 
opinion.