TBAY: HP and the Superfluous Scene

[dicentra63]

No: HPFGUIDX 40257

Dicentra stands on the deck of her newly christened barge, mouth
agape, as Pippin and Debbie paddle off in the ELVIRA kayak with her
only two can(n)ons on board.  They can't do that!  She says to
herself.  They can't just... just... DO that!

Scratching her head, she looks at the new white lettering on the side
of the barge. GARBAGE SCOW, it reads. (Gibberish, Altogether Redundant
Blather, and Gobbledegook Everywhere! Superfluous Can(n)on Obtains
Welcome) Dicentra had hoped for something a little more elegant, like
SUPERFLUITY or EXTRANEOUS or even the ever-popular IRREGARDLESS, but
as these acronyms don't have a spell-out, they're not much good. 
GARBAGE SCOW it is!

Now, she thinks as she rolls up her sleeves.  Time to get those
can(n)ons back.

> > 
> > Dicentra pulls her waterproof copy of PoA out of her robes and 
> turns to page 364 of the Scholastic Edition. "I don't think you can 
> assert *when* Sirius and Crookshanks began to collaborate. 
> <snip arguments>.
> > 
> > "See? There is no timeframe given as to when they began to 
> work together.  Sirius doesn't say that he first tried to get in, then 
> he got the cat to help him.  You can assume that if you want, but 
> the text doesn't support it. <<
> 
> Pippin whips out her own hardcover and does a quick check for 
> dates:
> 
> 10/15 Crookshanks attacks Ron's bag. Ron and Hermione argue about it.
> 10/31 Saturday morning. Ron and Hermione make up their spat over
Crookshanks. 
> 10/31 evening.  Attack on the Fat Lady
> 11/6 Saturday  Harry stops Crookshanks and reckons Ron is right
about him.
> 
> "Hah! It doesn't seem likely to me that Ron and Hermione would have
made up their dispute or that Harry would have made his remark if
Crookshanks had been trying to get at Scabbers all that time."  

"I still don't see it," says Dicentra.  "For all we know, Sirius
ordered ALL the attacks on Scabbers.  So asserting that the scene in
question presents us with the first Sirius-ordered attempt on Scabbers
is not substantiated. Furthermore, it's not necessary to establish
that Crookshanks persisted in going after Scabbers. If we subject this
scene to another set of premises, we get the same set of actions:
Scabbers is an ordinary rat, Crookshanks is an ordinary cat, and
Sirius Black is still rotting in Azkaban.  None of the action need
change.  So Crookshanks trying to get Scabbers isn't a clue to
anything.  And as I said before..."

>>Frankly, the timing in this is all screwed up anyway: Sirius goes
after Scabbers for the second time *after* Scabbers fakes his own
death.  Sirius knew it was a faked death, so why go looking in Ron's
bed for him? This smells suspiciously like a FLINT to me.  But this
barge don't collect FLINTS, it collects...  um... superfluity."<<
 
> Pippin counters:
> "Sirius attacks *because* he knows it's a fake death. At that point
Scabbers was probably still in Gryffindor Tower, perhaps even still in
Ron's dorm room.  Crookshanks would know. Sirius may have been trying
to panic Pettigrew into showing himself.  Or maybe Sirius is just
plain gonzo. Manic!Depressive Sirius, anybody?"<

Dicentra bristles. "Sirius might be gonzo, but he's not stupid.  He's
seen Peter do the faked death thing before, and he knows Peter can do
it right.  It makes no sense for Scabbers to stay in the dorm after
his little drama.  If he stays in or near Ron's bed, he risks being
found by Ron and the jig is up.  If he stays in Gryffindor Tower, he
risks being caught by Crookshanks, who can see in the dark and smell
the little rat.  Nope, when you fake your death, you high-tail it from
the scene of the crime as fast as you can because it Just Won't Do to
be found alive.  That's why I say it's a FLINT.  As it is, the only
reason for Sirius to rip Ron's bed curtains is to send up a red flag
to the reader--that Sirius might not be after Harry, as we have
heretofore supposed.  Scabbers suddenly has nothing to do with it at
this point, even in retrospect."

"Did you hear that, Sirius?" Dicentra shouts to the sky. "You blew it!
 You were supposed to show up in the dorm *before* the Rat faked his
death!  Afterwards doesn't cut it."

There's a small pop and a tall, dark stranger with haunted eyes stands
before Dicentra.

"Listen to me, lass," he says, grabbing her shoulders and shaking her.
"YOU spend 12 bloody years in Azkaban and see how well you remember
YOUR lines!  I don't have to take this from some... some... *muggle*
who floats around on an imaginary GARBAGE SCOW!  Besides, I couldn't
get in until the chubby kid left the passwords on the table. He's the
one whose timing is off."  

Dicentra just stares at him, dazed, with a stupid grin on her face. 
"Do that again," she says breathlessly.  

The stranger lets go of her shoulders, shakes his head, and just
before he Disapparates can be heard muttering "...another one of THOSE..."

Still dazed and just a bit flushed, Dicentra mutters "I'll never wash
these robes again..."

Pippin, however, is tapping her foot impatiently.  Dicentra snaps out
of it and continues with the matter at hand.

"And as for that whole chapter of GoF, you'll have to take that up
with Cindy.  But even so, I get to keep BOTH can(n)ons."

Dicentra whips her wand out of her robes and points at the can(n)ons
in the ELVIRA kayak. "Tortam Comere Tanto Habere!" she shouts. 
Suddenly, both can(n)ons are back on the deck of the GARBAGE SCOW. 
Pipppin and Debbie blink.  The can(n)ons in the ELVIRA kayak are still
there, too.

"What's the point?" says Pippin.  "Is this your way of calling a draw?"

"Don't be ridiculous," says Dicentra. "I won, of course.  But if you
can take either of these scenes and place the crux of a speculative
theory on what you find therein, I will myself toss the can(n)on in
question into the water.  But I don't think that you can.  Compare the
importance of these scenes to Snape Brings Lupin the Potion, Lupin
Fails to Hurry Things Along, or Lupin's Empty Grindylow Tank.  Don't
come close.  Editor could have splinched the whole thing and we'd
never know it was gone."

Pippin, uncertain of what to do now, jumps into the ELVIRA kayak and
paddles off, leaving

--Dicentra, eager to find more can(n)ons for her scow