More on Parenting Styles

[moongirlk]

No: HPFGUIDX 36068


--- In HPforGrownups at y..., Edblanning at a... wrote:

> I love Molly. Of course she's not a perfect parent. Which of us is? 
There 
> seems to me to be an ironical situation on this list when it comes 
to 
> parenting. We like our good guys grey, many want their bad guys 
grey, but 
> when it comes to parents, they're supposed to be squeaky clean, 
bright, 
> shining white and from where I'm standing it just ain't like that!


I'm having a hard time figuring out where I stand on the Molly/Ron 
thread.  I love Ron and I *do* think he falls through the cracks some 
in regards to Molly, but I love Molly too, and I think she's a good 
mother.  Having a hard time resolving these two things.  

I agree with Tabouli that Ron and the others all seem to know that 
they are loved and supported, even if Ron sometimes notices that he 
is not being... noticed all that much, and I think Molly tries very 
hard to make it clear to her kids that she cares.  The Weasley 
sweaters are one of the clearest indications that she cares.  Sure, 
they're not well-off, but she could easily give the kids Christmas 
gifts that didn't require so much work.  She spends time knitting a 
sweater for each of them because it *means* something, and to Fred 
and George's credit, they seem to realize this.  

Eloise again:
<<As for Ron...well, I think Ron has his own problems. I'm not saying 
that it's easy being the youngest boy, who gets everything second-
hand when he has a younger sibling, who because of her sex, gets new 
stuff ( though not everything, books, for example), its not; but he 
does have a bit of a  chip on his shoulder.>> 

It was a little bothered by her always forgetting that Ron hates 
maroon, and I see what Debbie means when she says this is a small 
indicator that she doesn't know him as well as she thinks she does, 
but I think that may be because Ron, while maybe he grumbles somewhat 
openly in front of his best friend, doesn't complain *to* his 
mother.  Ron, it seems to me, fancies himself a bit of a stoic.  He's 
not a very good one, mind you, since we all know what's on his mind 
pretty much all the time, but I think he feels like he *should* be.  
Even when he complains about the sandwiches on the train, he 
immediately tries to brush it all aside, not wanting to sound 
ungrateful or make his mother look bad.  I think this is the way he 
is with his parents, and I think it's an extension of his 
insecurities.  

What Tabouli said resonates with me:
<<I don't think he feels unloved or unwanted, just undistinguished 
and insecure, due to constantly being overshadowed by others. Could 
the touchiness about his poverty be linked to a feeling that there's 
not enough to go around in his family on other fronts? Not enough 
*attention* to go around, perhaps?>>

I know I felt that way as a kid.  I'm only one of two kids, but my 
sister was pretty enough and talented enough and well-liked enough 
for me to feel inadequate growing up, and then she also got into 
trouble enough that I, the easiest child in the world (according to 
my mother, who, bless her, still thinks that was a good thing) felt 
completely invisible at times.  I spent the first, most confusing 
years of adolescence alone in front of the TV because the problems my 
sister was having took up most of the family's time while also 
disinclining my parents to let me out of their sight, lest history 
repeat itself.  I still feel socially inept as a result, but I cannot 
and would not in the least blame any of this on my parents or my 
sister now, because now I *know* that had I made a fuss and asked for 
the attention I needed, I would have gotten it, but at the time, I 
felt that it was supremely important that I stay out of the way and 
not make life any harder for anyone.  It wasn't them making me feel 
this way, but my natural tendencies - desire to please, and avoidance 
of conflict being two of my most highly held values throughout my 
life (to this day I literally get a swimmy feeling in my head if I 
dare to engage in conflict that could be avoided if I just allowed 
myself to be slighted).  

Eloise again:
<<We're affluent enough that I can give my younger girls some new 
stuff to supplement the second hand, but it must hurt Molly. Hurt, 
because she doesn't want to give her child second best, hurt because 
she's criticised for something over which she has no control.>>

This may be projecting due to what I described above, but as others 
have said, there's no real indication that Ron complains in front of 
his mother about the sandwiches or the maroon, and while he did 
complain about the dress robes in almost a last-straw desperate way 
(which I once or twice did to my mother, and she was literally 
shocked that I'd been upset about anything at all because I'd gone 
out of my way ot hide it until said last-straw moment), I think he 
mostly tries to dowplay it all in front of her because he knows that 
she doesn't have a lot of control over a lot of what bothers him.

So I think if Molly knew how he felt, she'd probably do her best to 
change the things she could, but I don't think Ron actually gives her 
the opportunity.

And, in a direction that's less about my projecting my own 
experiences, Ron does have a certain habit of self-deprecation (or 
posession-deprecation, or relative object and people-deprecation... 
whatever).  He grumbles about Scabbers, but PoA proved that he really 
did care about the lazy rat, and he acts the same way about Errol, 
and later about Pig.  I see that as an indication that it's a general 
tendency that probably carries over into other belongings and even 
his family.  He loves them, and will defend them against all takers, 
but it doesn't stop him from wishing things were a little different.

kimberly
who was also going to comment on Deb's statement, which started with 
this:
<<Moreover, Ron needs to be taken seriously by somebody-- anybody.>>
But realized that she's already probably gone on too long.