More on Parenting Styles

[elfundeb]

No: HPFGUIDX 36077

I promise, this is my last response on this topic.

--- In HPforGrownups at y..., Edblanning at a... wrote:
> 
> I love Molly. Of course she's not a perfect parent. Which of us is? 
There 
> seems to me to be an ironical situation on this list when it comes 
to 
> parenting. We like our good guys grey, many want their bad guys 
grey, but 
> when it comes to parents, they're supposed to be squeaky clean, 
bright, 
> shining white and from where I'm standing it just ain't like that!
> 
> Like Molly, I shout ( but not as 
> effectively, alas!). I often get it wrong. I often regret the way 
I've 
> handled situations. But I'm sure my kids know that they're loved 
(we tell 
> each other often enough) and that however stressy Mum is, she's 
actually got 
> their best interests at heart. That's how I see Molly. 

I doubt that most of us who have criticized Molly think she is a bad 
parent, or think her kids don't know they're loved.  I don't doubt 
that she would sacrifice herself for any of her children, and they 
know that.  Nor do we want her to be perfect (pinning on my PACMAN 
badge as I say this).  I doubt most of us parents would want our own 
parenting skills put under a perfection microscope -- we would all 
fail miserably!  And Molly has drawn a particularly tough assignment 
with five children at home whose needs are so different.  Rather, 
I've tried to focus in this debate on the effect of her parenting on 
Ron, and no one seems to have challenged the assertion that Molly 
pays less attention to him than the others.  
>  
> As Jo says, Molly treats her kids differently from each other. 
That's because 
> they're individuals. .
> 
> > She's proud of Percy, but much of the pride expressed, the 
favouritism seen 
> by some, seems to be for the benefit of the twins. 

Actually, this is one of my biggest concerns about the Molly/Ron 
relationship.  Molly can't be everything to all of her children, and 
she has effectively adapted her style to deal as effectively as she 
can with the twins, who outwardly are the two most in need of 
correcting.  Given the number of Molly/twins episodes we have seen in 
the last three books, they must happen quite frequently.  However, 
whatever the beneficial effect of her extolling Percy's virtues on 
the twins, it seems clear that they have affected Ron very 
negatively.  Ron doesn't want negative attention, so he tries to deal 
with Molly's criticism of the twins by escaping (at least that's what 
he tries to do when Harry's around).  This is natural enough, but it 
allows Molly not to notice his reactions.  On the flip side, I think 
he really craves approval from Molly, but the Molly/Percy/Twins 
dynamic has convinced him he needs to do something really spectacular 
to deserve it. Another collateral consequence of this dynamic is that 
Ron has developed, if not a dislike, at least suspicions about 
Percy.  This is really a shame, because I think Ron is more like 
Percy than any other member of his family and if it were not for 
Molly's fueling resentment of Percy among his younger brothers, 
fueling increased pompousness/ambition/sensitivity on Percy's part, 
Percy could have served as a good mentor for Ron.

I'm not saying that it's 
> easy being the youngest boy, who gets everything second-hand when 
he has a 
> younger sibling, who because of her sex, gets new stuff ( though 
not 
> everything, books, for example), its not; but he does have a bit of 
a  chip 
> on his shoulder. [snip] We're affluent enough that I can give my 
younger girls 
> some new stuff to supplement the second hand, but it must hurt 
Molly. Hurt, 
> because she doesn't want to give her child second best, hurt 
because she's 
> criticised for something over which she has no control.

If there's one thing I've learned from discussion groups such as this 
is that we all have different life experiences that inform our views 
on each discussion topic, and this one is no different.  I'm very 
touchy on the matter of hand-me-down clothes, since by accident of 
relative age, gender and size I was the only person in my family to 
wear them.  Because I was small and we were less affluent than most 
in my school, I was often expected to wear hand-me-downs in hideous 
colors (that my mother adored) and from younger children that were 
too childish for me.  So nothing in HP made me empathize with Ron 
more than his dress robes.  And although maybe Ron has never told 
Molly that he hates maroon, I still have a vision of Molly at the 
thrift shop selecting the lace-cuff robes over another choice in a 
different color that Molly didn't like.
> > 
A child wants you to 
> be there simply because you love them and they are the most 
important thing 
> in the world to you.  
> None of us is a perfect parent. But there is a concept, I should 
know where 
> it comes from, but I'm afraid I forget, of the 'Good enough' 
parent. On good 
> days, perhaps I'm better than that, but it's what I cling to when 
the going 
> gets tough, and I'm sure that Molly is good enough. >

I only hope that I'm "good enough" -- which would be a tremendous 
compliment.  Eloise, you, on the other hand, sound like a highly 
effective parent.

Debbie, who will henceforth shut up on this topic now that I've 
ground my axe into the stump