Source of "Good Enough Mother" (WAS Re: More on Parenting Styles)

[naamagatus]

No: HPFGUIDX 36087

> A child wants you to 
> > be there simply because you love them and they are the most 
> important thing 
> > in the world to you.  
> > None of us is a perfect parent. But there is a concept, I should 
> know where 
> > it comes from, but I'm afraid I forget, of the 'Good enough' 
> parent. On good 
> > days, perhaps I'm better than that, but it's what I cling to when 
> the going 
> > gets tough, and I'm sure that Molly is good enough. >


It was Winnicott who coined the term "good enough mother."

"British psychoanalyst Donald Woods Winnicott was early convinced, by 
his own clinical experience as paediatrician and child psychiatrist, 
of the over-riding importance, to psychic health, of the first weeks 
and months of infancy. This implies, of course, the mother's 
essential role at the very outset of the maturational process. 

The "good-enough mother" (an odd term, by which however he only meant 
an ordinary woman whose maternal instincts are not deflected by her 
own disabilities or by so-called "expert" advice) protects her infant 
from the primitive anxieties; she lets it enjoy that illusion of 
omnipotence which will later be a source of creativity 
and "contributing in", but she also provides for disillusion (reality-
sense) without despair." 
(from http://home.sol.no/~vals/winniA.html)

IMO, Molly is a good enough mother, and then some. I think Abby's 
description of her as a "fierce mother" who can get a trifle 
illogical is just perfect. That's exactly my take on her. 

The first and most consistent adjective applied to her is kindness. 
Molly's behavior to her kids should be taken within this context, and 
in this context, the incidents discussed (corned-beef, maroon, etc.) 
become evidence of her (rather lovable) imperfections and not 
symptoms of neglect. 

I also think that Ron's insecurities arise from the whole familial 
situation - many siblings with a lot of success stories. I think that 
he has long gone passed the age where self-esteem arises solely from 
parental attitude. At some point (10? 12?), you start to compare 
yourself with others (your siblings and your peers), you feel the 
need for objective success. He is at that age. I'd say that Molly's 
attention, or lack thereof, has little to do with his present 
insecurities (just as it has little to do with Ginny's insecurities). 
To generalise - life is tough, and good parenting doesn't preclude 
any and all insecurities in the child, it provides a strong base from 
which to overcome them - with time. 


Naama