Overcrowding on the Fourth Man Kayak

[lucky_kari]

No: HPFGUIDX 36675

Scene: Outside the Ancestral Home of the Averys, A Dark night.
Lord Voldemort and Peter Pettigrew apparate.

Voldemort:(looking around) This is Avery's ancestral home? (The yew 
trees have been chopped down and demolition work has begun on the 
Tudor-era mansion.)
Pettigrew: My lord, this seems to be the place.
Voldemort:(reading a sign) Tudor Towers: A New Way of Living.
(Lucius Malfoy apparates in)
Voldemort: Lucius, my slippery friend, can you enlighten us as to what 
is going on?
Malfoy: Is Avery here?
Voldemort: No. 
Malfoy: He's been missing for days. At first we thought the aurors 
might have got him again, but then we began to hear strange news of a 
kayak.
Voldemort: A kayak, Lucius?
Malfoy: That's what the rumours said. And then, last fortnight, a 
woman, an American Muggle, came to London and said she was Avery's 
representative and he wanted to sell this place so they could build 
Muggle flats. She had Avery's signature and all, but you know how 
easily you can put him under Imperius.
Voldemort: And who are these... kayakers?
Malfoy: They're shopping around for a hovercraft now. Our informants 
can't make head or tail of them. Except they've somehow got Avery with 
them. One of them tried to drown him. 
Voldemort: Well, you must retrieve Avery, then, mustn't you?
Malfoy: My lord, they have... a little canon on board.
Voldemort: I do not hear excuses, Lucius. 
Lucius: Yes, my Lord. The Fourth Manners will not survive.
<Lucius disapparates>
Pettigrew: Fourth Manners?
Voldemort: (looking about) Wormtail, do you think we could get much 
money for *my* ancestral home? A hovercraft... hmmm...

Meanwhile, back at the crowded kayak.

> <Deeply flustered, Elkins stumbles her way across the beach and back 
> to the Fourth Man kayak, where she notices Avery watching her with a
> commiserating -- if also rather unpleasantly knowing -- expression. 
 
> "What are *you* staring at?" she snaps.  He quickly looks away.>

"You know," said Eileen, massaging her legs, and gathering shells off 
the beach for future defense against attack. "That's the good point 
about Avery. If you can stare him in the eyes, he stops looking at 
you. Of course, it takes nerve to stare into those big brown miserable 
eyes and not break down and apologize for stuffing him under the 
seat." 

Elkins has come with glad news:
>I don't know about anyone else, but I'm 
> freezing my character right *off* in this wretched thing.  And I 
> don't know that anyone else is entirely happy with the situation, 
> either.  I mean, poor Avery's already nearly drowned once, and 
Jake's 
> been underwater for months trying to waterski, and just think of 
> Dicentra's chiropracty bills!  I'm tired of it, and because I'm a 
> sycophant, I don't mind whining piteously about it to anyone who 
will 
> listen.  I am *tired* of getting splashed all the time, and I'm 
tired 
> of being wet and cold and exposed to all of the elements, and I'm 
> tired of getting blisters on my hands from these rotten paddles, and 
> I'm tired of having nowhere to mount the few measly little canons 
> that we possess, and I'm *particularly* tired of having no bar on 
> board.  

Hear! Hear! We need a hovercraft, and even tough Cindy will be very 
happy about this, as we can keep Avery on one side, and she can stay 
on the other. 

Elkins is explaining:
> A somewhat submissive personality.  I think that it gave him a 
secret 
> sick *thrill* to allow more dominant types to "force" him to do 
> Things No Decent Person Would Ever Do.  I don't think that he fought 
> very hard against it at all.  I think that he kinda liked it.

HMMMMM.... you may be converting me to Fourth Man with Imperius... 
unless you have me under Imperius. Eileen casts her mind back to a 
certain scene when Elkins was yelling, "Jump! Jump!" up to the deck of 
LOLLIPOPS, and Tabouli caught her by the scruff of her neck just as 
she was about to fall into eel infested water. 

Still, I think I will sign up for Fourth Man with Remorse and some 
form of Imperius after all. It's very big bangy if you think about it. 
I'll abstain from SHIP, though. Like Cindy, "Mrs. Lestrange's Little 
Pet Avery" gives me the creeps. 

Elkins:
> And if Avery really *had* been under the Imperius Curse at some 
point 
> in his DE career, then that might well have contributed to his 
> ability to wrangle an acquittal or a pardon later on, thus allowing 
> this entire far-fetched theory to stay afloat, no?

Brilliant point. He'd have a better case than Malfoy and the rest. 
People, especially Percy Weasley, might actually believe him. (N.B. We 
can't forget Percy Weasley. He's an important part of my Fourth Man 
relevance theory, and when are you going to write that massive 
Percy-post, Elkins?) 

Elkins:
> And Eileen's right about the Big Bangs too, you know.  Fourth Man 
> With Remorse really *does* offer better opportunities for Big 
> Banginess than No-Frills Fourth Man does.  Just think of the 
> weeping!  (Or do you only enjoy weeping when you can manage to force 
> Snape to indulge in it?)

Cindy likes weeping Snape? Eileen turns and looks at Cindy in a new 
light. Is this true? And you call yourself tough?

Cindy, in a heroic attempt to give her no-Frills Avery big bang 
qualities has otherwhere posted a scenario in which Sirius worked for 
Magical Catastrophes, and then his colleagues Avery and big bad death 
eater Fudge showed up, showed him no sympathy and support, and 
proceeded to... ummmm fudge the evidence. She pictured Sirius looking 
Avery in his big brown eyes, and suddenly realizing that he has been 
betrayed for the second time in 24 hours. 

First of all, the thing does have Big Bang potential, even if it makes 
for a redundant Big Bang. However, it couldn't have happened.

How one earth is Avery going to be acquitted the first time around if 
he waits to frame Sirius before giving himself in? 

"I was under Imperius, Moody, you'll understand that. One of those 24 
hours after the fact relenting varieties." It doesn't make sense and 
furthermore, it's not BIG BANGY.

I prefer Avery already being at the Ministry, working the night shift. 
Avery suddenly senses Voldemort's destruction, and breaks down RIGHT 
THERE. Not understanding his wild babblings, they first attempt to 
comfort him, thinking he's broken down under too much stress, but draw 
back in horror, when they begin to understand. And Avery is taken away 
by the dementors, pleading, crying etc. That would make a good movie 
scene, especially shot from the point of view of his friends at the 
Ministry. The sudden realization thing always gets me. 

> <Elkins notices Avery's hand creeping towards a Fourth Man With 
> Innocence paddle and slaps it away irritably.>
> 
> No, Avery.  Some of us here may sympathize with your plight, but I'm 
> afraid that not a one of us really believes a single word of that 
> story of yours.  Sorry.

Good call there, Elkins. He may be remorseful or he may not, but we 
still have to remember we've got a full-fledged Death Eater on board. 
To get into the circle, he must at least know Avada Kedavra. We'll 
have to keep a close watch on him, and make sure he doesn't get hold 
of any paddles he could use on our heads.

Have fun shopping for the hovercraft.

Eileen goes back to telling Avery about her lifelong fascination with 
SYCOPHANTS, a subject he seems to appreciate, as he never 
interrupts... Just those eyes.