Overcrowding on the Fourth Man Kayak

cindysphynx cindysphynx at comcast.net
Tue Mar 19 16:29:15 UTC 2002


No: HPFGUIDX 36676

Too bad the boards came back up.  I thought for a moment I had 
secured for myself the last word on Fourth Man, and I was feeling 
mighty pleased with myself.  ;-)

But then came this:

****************

Elkins complained about the kayak (which incidentally is a two-
person, not a four-person, vessel):

>I don't know about anyone else, but I'm 
> freezing my character right *off* in this wretched thing.  And I 
> don't know that anyone else is entirely happy with the situation, 
> either.  

Well, *fine* then.  It is getting rather crowded, and I don't want to 
fall overboard because, uh, I can't even swim.  That's why I am 
huddled smack in the middle of a theory that I didn't even invent.

We can offload the kayak in favor of the hovercraft, OK?  I assume 
that hovercrafts come with electricity, so we can have blended drinks 
with goofy umbrellas and other creature comforts.  Seems like a fair 
compromise.  

If it is all right with everyone, I will lash the kayak to the 
ToadKeeper, which is lashed to the Big Bang.  Henceforth, the two-
person kayak will house the Florence Trapezoid believers.  Right now, 
the Trapezoid kayak is operating at only 50% occupancy.  I will make 
another membership pitch at the next opportunity.

Elkins (explaining Fourth Man With Remorse):

>This is a 
> relative of Cindy's "In Over His Head Fourth Man" approach: it 
> suggests that while Avery was indeed at that point in his life 
> perfectly *willing* to engage in the uglier aspects of being a 
member 
> of a terrorist organization, he just plain didn't have the stomach 
> for it.  The spirit was willing, but the viscera was weak.  

Yes, but Fourth Man With Remorse is actually weaker than In Over His 
Head Fourth Man.  Hard to believe, I know, but true.  You see, In 
Over His Head Fourth Man (IOHHFM, for short) copes the best he can 
with his lack of competence and fortitude.  I can relate to that.  
Soldiering on despite desperately-average talent.  Trying to raise 
one's level of performance, only to be dragged down again and again 
by the ever-present anchor of mediocrity.  Watching your peers win 
the praise of the Evil Overlord while you receive only a half-hearted 
insult from your master when he is not ignoring you entirely.  Oh, it 
is no fun, no fun at all.

Fourth Man With Remorse, however, resorts to the wizarding equivalent 
of a mood-altering drug.  Fourth Man With Remorse doesn't know how to 
s--- it u-, so he has his buddies take the pain away.  Fourth Man 
With Remorse is having an "Up With People" kind of existence premised 
on the Imperius Curse.  Ick, ick, ick.

I think it is bangier to have IOHHFM, who has to suffer his internal 
conflict every time the Dark Mark burns.  Who has to practice his 
Crucio curses so they hit their targets instead of hitting the DE who 
is holding the victim's hands behind his back.  Who has to look in 
the mirror every morning and slap his face, resolving that today he 
will turn it around once and for all and be Evil To The Core.

But hey, it's your hovercraft.  I'm just along for the ride.  
Although I'm bringing my paddle and resting it across my knees as a 
tray for my drinks and snacks.  So if you see me moving my potted 
meats and mimosa onto the floor of the hovercraft, that means I am 
about to use my Big Paddle for something else, and I'm *not* 
referring to its potential as a flotation device.

Elkins continued (about her dream Avery):

> A somewhat submissive personality.  I think that it gave him a 
secret 
> sick *thrill* to allow more dominant types to "force" him to do 
> Things No Decent Person Would Ever Do.  I don't think that he 
fought 
> very hard against it at all.  I think that he kinda liked it.

Can I raise a quick Tew Eww to be Trew objection?  I mean, Ewwww!  
Avery *likes* being dominated?  Where on earth are you getting that?

<thumbs GoF>

Oh, you mean because Avery practically volunteered for Voldemort's 
very first non-slimy-baby Cruciatus?  You think maybe those were 
screams of pleasure?  Well, OK.  Harry is too young to know the 
difference between screams of pain and screams of pleasure, so it's 
possible.  I'm with you then.  Avery likes pain.  He likes to be 
tortured.  He likes to squirm.  It's Bangy.  Definitely Bangy.  In a 
twisted, NR-17 kind of way. 

Elkins again (listing Avery's options):
 
> 1) Not apparating to the graveyard when the Dark Mark burned, but 
> instead staying home and reading a nice book.
> 

Well, there is an option 1(a):  Avery could have sought out 
Dumbledore and inquired about an opening.  DADA teacher, CoMC 
teacher, Charms, groundskeeper, whatever.  Avery is very flexible 
about his career options.  

Avery, if he really felt remorse (as opposed to, um, a secret desire 
to be tortured and dominated), could have pulled a Snape.  He could 
have gone to Dumbledore and begged for a safe haven.  It worked for 
Snape, right?  Dumbledore could have twinkled at Avery and 
immediately discerned that his conversion was sincere.  It's not like 
Avery didn't have notice.  The Dark Mark was simmering for a while 
before Voldemort returned.  Avery had plenty of time to line up an 
interview.

Now that you mention it, why didn't Karkaroff seek a safe haven with 
Dumbledore?  Maybe it had to do with that little spitting incident.  
But Karkaroff could have apologized and pledged to keep his saliva to 
himself, and Dumbledore would have forgiven him . . . 

Oh, yeah.  Wizards don't apologize.  Never mind.

Elkins again:

> Remorse isn't the same thing as "atonement."  One can certainly 
feel 
> genuine remorse and yet prove too weak or too frightened to act 
upon 
> it.  Taking heroic action to redeem oneself would indeed be the 
> *admirable* response, but Fourth Man With Remorse *isn't* 
admirable.  
> He's just remorseful.  
> 

OK, now I think I get it.  In Avery's case, remorse is just a 
feeling.  A vague feeling with no outward manifestations, except 
perhaps the inability to put any Oomph behind his Cruciatus Curses.  
In that case, sure, Fourth Man can be Fourth Man With Remorse, 
because the Remorse part doesn't count for much and is pretty 
meaningless and impotent, really.

Elkins:

> It Just Makes Sense, Cindy!  Fourth Man With Remorse Just Makes 
Sense!

Yeah, OK.  I guess Fourth Man With Remorse can stay in the 
hovercraft.  As a sign of respect for Captain Elkins, I also pledge 
not to throw him overboard when no one is looking.  

Note that I'm not denying that I have other plans for Fourth Man.  If 
he happens to recline his hefty backside into the hot tub, I might be 
tempted to hand him a plugged-in electrical appliance.  So, uh, the 
rest of you had best stay out of the hot tub if Fourth Man is in 
there, because the water might suddenly get a little hotter than 
Fourth Man is expecting, if you catch my drift.  

Elkins again:

> And Eileen's right about the Big Bangs too, you know.  Fourth Man 
> With Remorse really *does* offer better opportunities for Big 
> Banginess than No-Frills Fourth Man does.  Just think of the 
> weeping!  (Or do you only enjoy weeping when you can manage to 
force 
> Snape to indulge in it?)

Well, you know, I relate to Toughness, so I'm not a big fan of all 
the weeping.  Weeping from grown men who are supposed to be Tough is 
especially hard to swallow.  I know JKR is with me on this anti-
weeping thing, too.  When Pettigrew weeps, she writes:  "Pettigrew 
burst into tears.  It was horrible to watch, like an oversized, 
balding baby cowering on the floor."  JKR detests Pettigrew and his 
weeping.  

No, I much prefer the yelling, the sarcasm, the Edge, and the snappy 
insults, myself.  Watching a SYCOPHANT like Avery weeping is really 
kind of redundant -- it's just watching the weak be weaker.  What a 
snooze!  It's overkill.  It's something Chris Columbus would do, and 
I can think of no higher insult than that.

Now Snape is another thing altogether.  Oh yeah.  After 4 books of 
terrorizing people and rarely for good reason, I will really be 
excited when Snape gets his.  And you know he will.  Deep down, you 
know.  JKR doesn't like Snape.  To us, he's all mystery.  To her, he 
is just a prop used to complicate things, upset Harry and upset the 
reader.  Snape is going to get one of those long, inventive, painful 
DE deaths Elkins was talking about.  Maybe one of those Evil Overlord 
overly complicated deaths involving alligators and huge saws and 
walls that slowly move toward each other.  Oh, man, it is going to go 
on for chapter after chapter after chapter.  But Snape will not weep, 
and I will respect him for that.  

Yet, I will grieve for Snape.  Simply out of respect for the 
Snapefans, I will grieve.  I will wear black for Snape, and not 
because it is slimming.  I will grieve because there aren't that many 
Tough characters, and it will be quite a shame to lose one.

Elkins again:

> (Incidentally, has anyone but me noticed that all of the No-Frills 
> people are also members in good standing of the Order of the Flying 
> Hedgehog?  Just as the SYCOPHANTS all favor their Fourth Man with 
> some side-helping of Remorse?  It's just disgusting, isn't it?  I 
> mean, we're all so grotesquely *predictable!*)

Oh, no.  I think if you were to check the badges closely, you'd find 
quite a bit of disagreement about things like LOLLIPOPS, FLIRTIAC, 
and Florence.  Although I think you could find a very fast consensus 
on ToadKeeper.

Cindy (noticing that Avery is disrobing and thinking we need an 
executive decision on whether swimsuits are optional in the 
hovercraft hot tub)





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