Overcrowding on the Fourth Man Kayak
cindysphynx
cindysphynx at comcast.net
Tue Mar 19 16:29:15 UTC 2002
No: HPFGUIDX 36676
Too bad the boards came back up. I thought for a moment I had
secured for myself the last word on Fourth Man, and I was feeling
mighty pleased with myself. ;-)
But then came this:
****************
Elkins complained about the kayak (which incidentally is a two-
person, not a four-person, vessel):
>I don't know about anyone else, but I'm
> freezing my character right *off* in this wretched thing. And I
> don't know that anyone else is entirely happy with the situation,
> either.
Well, *fine* then. It is getting rather crowded, and I don't want to
fall overboard because, uh, I can't even swim. That's why I am
huddled smack in the middle of a theory that I didn't even invent.
We can offload the kayak in favor of the hovercraft, OK? I assume
that hovercrafts come with electricity, so we can have blended drinks
with goofy umbrellas and other creature comforts. Seems like a fair
compromise.
If it is all right with everyone, I will lash the kayak to the
ToadKeeper, which is lashed to the Big Bang. Henceforth, the two-
person kayak will house the Florence Trapezoid believers. Right now,
the Trapezoid kayak is operating at only 50% occupancy. I will make
another membership pitch at the next opportunity.
Elkins (explaining Fourth Man With Remorse):
>This is a
> relative of Cindy's "In Over His Head Fourth Man" approach: it
> suggests that while Avery was indeed at that point in his life
> perfectly *willing* to engage in the uglier aspects of being a
member
> of a terrorist organization, he just plain didn't have the stomach
> for it. The spirit was willing, but the viscera was weak.
Yes, but Fourth Man With Remorse is actually weaker than In Over His
Head Fourth Man. Hard to believe, I know, but true. You see, In
Over His Head Fourth Man (IOHHFM, for short) copes the best he can
with his lack of competence and fortitude. I can relate to that.
Soldiering on despite desperately-average talent. Trying to raise
one's level of performance, only to be dragged down again and again
by the ever-present anchor of mediocrity. Watching your peers win
the praise of the Evil Overlord while you receive only a half-hearted
insult from your master when he is not ignoring you entirely. Oh, it
is no fun, no fun at all.
Fourth Man With Remorse, however, resorts to the wizarding equivalent
of a mood-altering drug. Fourth Man With Remorse doesn't know how to
s--- it u-, so he has his buddies take the pain away. Fourth Man
With Remorse is having an "Up With People" kind of existence premised
on the Imperius Curse. Ick, ick, ick.
I think it is bangier to have IOHHFM, who has to suffer his internal
conflict every time the Dark Mark burns. Who has to practice his
Crucio curses so they hit their targets instead of hitting the DE who
is holding the victim's hands behind his back. Who has to look in
the mirror every morning and slap his face, resolving that today he
will turn it around once and for all and be Evil To The Core.
But hey, it's your hovercraft. I'm just along for the ride.
Although I'm bringing my paddle and resting it across my knees as a
tray for my drinks and snacks. So if you see me moving my potted
meats and mimosa onto the floor of the hovercraft, that means I am
about to use my Big Paddle for something else, and I'm *not*
referring to its potential as a flotation device.
Elkins continued (about her dream Avery):
> A somewhat submissive personality. I think that it gave him a
secret
> sick *thrill* to allow more dominant types to "force" him to do
> Things No Decent Person Would Ever Do. I don't think that he
fought
> very hard against it at all. I think that he kinda liked it.
Can I raise a quick Tew Eww to be Trew objection? I mean, Ewwww!
Avery *likes* being dominated? Where on earth are you getting that?
<thumbs GoF>
Oh, you mean because Avery practically volunteered for Voldemort's
very first non-slimy-baby Cruciatus? You think maybe those were
screams of pleasure? Well, OK. Harry is too young to know the
difference between screams of pain and screams of pleasure, so it's
possible. I'm with you then. Avery likes pain. He likes to be
tortured. He likes to squirm. It's Bangy. Definitely Bangy. In a
twisted, NR-17 kind of way.
Elkins again (listing Avery's options):
> 1) Not apparating to the graveyard when the Dark Mark burned, but
> instead staying home and reading a nice book.
>
Well, there is an option 1(a): Avery could have sought out
Dumbledore and inquired about an opening. DADA teacher, CoMC
teacher, Charms, groundskeeper, whatever. Avery is very flexible
about his career options.
Avery, if he really felt remorse (as opposed to, um, a secret desire
to be tortured and dominated), could have pulled a Snape. He could
have gone to Dumbledore and begged for a safe haven. It worked for
Snape, right? Dumbledore could have twinkled at Avery and
immediately discerned that his conversion was sincere. It's not like
Avery didn't have notice. The Dark Mark was simmering for a while
before Voldemort returned. Avery had plenty of time to line up an
interview.
Now that you mention it, why didn't Karkaroff seek a safe haven with
Dumbledore? Maybe it had to do with that little spitting incident.
But Karkaroff could have apologized and pledged to keep his saliva to
himself, and Dumbledore would have forgiven him . . .
Oh, yeah. Wizards don't apologize. Never mind.
Elkins again:
> Remorse isn't the same thing as "atonement." One can certainly
feel
> genuine remorse and yet prove too weak or too frightened to act
upon
> it. Taking heroic action to redeem oneself would indeed be the
> *admirable* response, but Fourth Man With Remorse *isn't*
admirable.
> He's just remorseful.
>
OK, now I think I get it. In Avery's case, remorse is just a
feeling. A vague feeling with no outward manifestations, except
perhaps the inability to put any Oomph behind his Cruciatus Curses.
In that case, sure, Fourth Man can be Fourth Man With Remorse,
because the Remorse part doesn't count for much and is pretty
meaningless and impotent, really.
Elkins:
> It Just Makes Sense, Cindy! Fourth Man With Remorse Just Makes
Sense!
Yeah, OK. I guess Fourth Man With Remorse can stay in the
hovercraft. As a sign of respect for Captain Elkins, I also pledge
not to throw him overboard when no one is looking.
Note that I'm not denying that I have other plans for Fourth Man. If
he happens to recline his hefty backside into the hot tub, I might be
tempted to hand him a plugged-in electrical appliance. So, uh, the
rest of you had best stay out of the hot tub if Fourth Man is in
there, because the water might suddenly get a little hotter than
Fourth Man is expecting, if you catch my drift.
Elkins again:
> And Eileen's right about the Big Bangs too, you know. Fourth Man
> With Remorse really *does* offer better opportunities for Big
> Banginess than No-Frills Fourth Man does. Just think of the
> weeping! (Or do you only enjoy weeping when you can manage to
force
> Snape to indulge in it?)
Well, you know, I relate to Toughness, so I'm not a big fan of all
the weeping. Weeping from grown men who are supposed to be Tough is
especially hard to swallow. I know JKR is with me on this anti-
weeping thing, too. When Pettigrew weeps, she writes: "Pettigrew
burst into tears. It was horrible to watch, like an oversized,
balding baby cowering on the floor." JKR detests Pettigrew and his
weeping.
No, I much prefer the yelling, the sarcasm, the Edge, and the snappy
insults, myself. Watching a SYCOPHANT like Avery weeping is really
kind of redundant -- it's just watching the weak be weaker. What a
snooze! It's overkill. It's something Chris Columbus would do, and
I can think of no higher insult than that.
Now Snape is another thing altogether. Oh yeah. After 4 books of
terrorizing people and rarely for good reason, I will really be
excited when Snape gets his. And you know he will. Deep down, you
know. JKR doesn't like Snape. To us, he's all mystery. To her, he
is just a prop used to complicate things, upset Harry and upset the
reader. Snape is going to get one of those long, inventive, painful
DE deaths Elkins was talking about. Maybe one of those Evil Overlord
overly complicated deaths involving alligators and huge saws and
walls that slowly move toward each other. Oh, man, it is going to go
on for chapter after chapter after chapter. But Snape will not weep,
and I will respect him for that.
Yet, I will grieve for Snape. Simply out of respect for the
Snapefans, I will grieve. I will wear black for Snape, and not
because it is slimming. I will grieve because there aren't that many
Tough characters, and it will be quite a shame to lose one.
Elkins again:
> (Incidentally, has anyone but me noticed that all of the No-Frills
> people are also members in good standing of the Order of the Flying
> Hedgehog? Just as the SYCOPHANTS all favor their Fourth Man with
> some side-helping of Remorse? It's just disgusting, isn't it? I
> mean, we're all so grotesquely *predictable!*)
Oh, no. I think if you were to check the badges closely, you'd find
quite a bit of disagreement about things like LOLLIPOPS, FLIRTIAC,
and Florence. Although I think you could find a very fast consensus
on ToadKeeper.
Cindy (noticing that Avery is disrobing and thinking we need an
executive decision on whether swimsuits are optional in the
hovercraft hot tub)
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