TBAY: MATCHINGARMCHAIR: the Debate Rages On (WAS: Yellow Flags and Jobberkno

Sun May 19 20:53:16 UTC 2002

No: HPFGUIDX 38898

The second part of the Symposium had dragged on longer than she had 
expected, and Elkins was getting tired.  Fortunately, she only had 
one more theory to cover before the scheduled break: the Reverse 
Memory Charm Theory, M.A.T.C.HI.N.G.A.R.M.C.H.A.I.R.   This would be 
a breeze.  After all, Elkins had once (as she now recalled with some 
degree of embarrassment) ascribed to the Reverse Memory Charm theory 
herself.  

But that had been a long time ago.  Back in the halcyon days.  Back 
before she and Cindy had been forced to sever their engagement.  Back 
before Cindy had grown bitter and started carrying around that great 
big *paddle.* 

Elkins scanned the audience thoughtfully, wondering if it contained 
anyone who might now remember that -- or worse yet, call her on it.  
Fortunately, she seemed to be safe.  Eloise might have been a risk, 
but she had fallen asleep in the armchair and was now mumbling 
something about Sun Gods and hieroglyphs.  Dogberry was far too busy 
rejecting the entire notion of Memory Charm'd Neville.  And Naama was 
scribbling furiously in her notebook, her head bent far down over 
what appeared to be an anti-DEPRECIATION argument.  

Yup.  It looked as if Elkins just might get away with this after all.

"But speaking of those yellow flag violations..." she began, hoping 
that no one would notice how really very awkward the segue was, "we 
now come at last to..."

The door at the back of the room flew open.  Elkins glanced up, and 
her voice died in her throat.

It was She.  The Cinister one herself.

And she'd brought her Big Paddle with her.

There were shiftings and shufflings and murmerings of dismay as Cindy 
strode confidently across the room to pour herself a glass of 
unsweetened Kool-aid and load up her Big Paddle with snacks.  The 
occupants of the front row gathered up their notepads and pencils 
with trembling hands, scrambling to their feet as Cindy approached to 
allow her her pick of the best seats.  A few of them flashed quick 
ameliorating grins in her direction as they scurried out into the 
aisle to relocate to seats further back, but most tried not to meet 
her eyes.  "You don't want to get involved in this," they were 
telling themselves.  "Remember Cedric Diggory."  

Only Eloise remained seated, snoozing away in her matching armchair.  
The crowd watched in tense silence as Cindy stared blankly down at 
the sleeping Eloise, then heaved a huge collective sigh of relief 
when she merely shrugged and slowly eased herself into the matching 
matching armchair right beside it.  

George, grateful for this show of noblesse oblige, stepped forward to 
offer Cindy a GIANTCUSHION upon which to rest her feet.  Cindy kicked 
it roughly in the direction of the podium and fixed Elkins with a 
withering stare.

Elkins swallowed hard.  She looked down at her notes and started 
leafing through pages, glad of any excuse to avoid meeting Cindy's 
gaze.

Well, she thought.  This *will* complicate things.

><(("> ><(("> ><(("> ><(("> ><(("> ><(("> ><(("> ><(("> ><(("> ><((">

Elkins (citing her canonical objections to Reverse Memory Charm'd 
Neville):

> There's his overall demeanor, and his reaction to the Second Task's 
> mermaid song, and his reaction to the Dementor on the train... 

Cindy:

> Ah, but that is because you have apparently turned the Dolby sound 
> up really high to the setting marked "Earsplitting Shrieks". You've 
> also apparently selected the "Continuous Loop" setting in which 
> Neville hears these magnified shrieks 24/7. That's very courageous 
> of you, really it is.

Cindy:

> But you can tone it down a bit if you like. . . .Personally, I'd 
> recommend the intermittent Dolby screaming for you, Elkins. That 
> way, Neville doesn't have to be a complete basket case. There's the 
> extra added bonus that Neville never knows when he's going to get a 
> huge blast of his mother's screams. I like the tension there. He 
> can be brave and heroic at times, and he can be melting cauldrons 
> at other times. Can you work with that?

Well...

Er, no, Cindy.  See, I can't.  Because even if you turn the volume 
knob all the way down to "intermittent cries of agony," and the 
frequency dial all the way to "only when Snape picks on Neville in 
Potions class," you're still left with the problem that Neville ought 
to *know* what people in pain sound like, and that they really don't 
sound the slightest bit like a ghost orchestra playing on the musical 
saw -- which is what the mermaid song from Harry's Egg sounds like.  
So the Egg Problem still stands. 

It also doesn't fix the Dementor problem.  If Neville had a Reverse 
Memory Charm, then the Dementor on the train at the beginning of PoA 
really should have been able to dredge that memory up for him.  He 
would have been reliving the experience of having witnessed his 
parents being tortured.  And if he really had been reliving that 
experience, then I just can't imagine that he wouldn't have 
been in far worse shape than Ginny.  Or Harry, for that matter.  But 
he wasn't.  He was doing better than either of them.  Harry passes 
out.  Ginny looks "as bad as Harry feels." But Neville's just pale 
and shaken.  So that's a problem too.

> Now, me? I can live with the 24/7 earsplitting shrieking because it 
> is so Bang-worthy. 

<soothingly>

Yes, yes.  It is indeed most cruel and morbid.  There's just no 
question about that.  And you *know* how much I like that sort of 
thing.

But it's *wobbly,* Cindy.  It really really is.

And about that yellow flag violation...

><(("> ><(("> ><(("> ><(("> ><(("> ><(("> ><(("> ><(("> ><(("> ><((">

Things seemed to be have been going all right, really.  So Elkins 
probably shouldn't have brought up the yellow flag again.  But she 
just couldn't resist, somehow.  

It must have been the podium.  Most of her soft tissues were actually 
*behind* the podium.  This made Elkins feel safe.

"I hate to hurl such monstrous accusations in a public forum," she 
said apologetically (if not altogether sincerely), "but there are 
times, terrible times, Long Dark Nights of my Soul, when I almost 
find myself suspecting that Cindy..."

Elkins winced, then lowered her voice.

"Well, that Cindy might have just made the Reverse Memory Charm *up.*"

Cindy raised her eyes from her Symposium Notebook.  Her brow furrowed,
and her knuckles tightened on her Big Paddle.

Elkins froze in place.  But it was all right.  Cindy seemed to think
better of it.  Slowly, her grip on her paddle relaxed.  From the
expression on her face, Elkins imagined that perhaps she was thinking
that coerced submission just wouldn't be very satisfying here.  That 
it would be better to try for a genuine and sincere Full-Fledged 
Conversion.

Elkins only felt marginally reassured by this.  Perhaps it was just 
all of this talk about torture and mental domination, but it occurred 
to her that Winston Smith's conversion at the end of _1984_ was 
really *very* sincere.

For now, though, Cindy seemed to be taking the gentle and easy 
approach.

><(("> ><(("> ><(("> ><(("> ><(("> ><(("> ><(("> ><(("> ><(("> ><((">

Cindy:

> In fact, I'm glad you mentioned it. Because you have led me toward 
> a *Huge* Blockbuster New Canon for Reverse Memory Charm Neville. I 
> can't believe I didn't catch on to this months ago. It's been right 
> there under my nose the whole time.

> OK. It's time for *me* to swing for the fence, so stand back -- 

> <Dixie cup and refreshments fly into the crowd as Cindy hoists her 
> Big Paddle to her shoulder>

Cindy:

> How about if I find something in canon related to memory that JKR 
> has already established, something that is right there in black and 
> white, but something that JKR seems to have intentionally left 
> vague? 

Then I will retract my yellow flag accusation.

> How about if I can even link it to Truth Serum, which is similar to 
> the Reverse Memory Charm? 

Yeah, yeah, Cindy.  Spit it out already.

> OK, here goes . . . 

> Fantastic Beasts and Where To Find Them, p. 23. "Jobberknoll: The 
> Jobberknoll (northern Europe and America) is a tiny blue, speckled 
> bird which eats small insects. It makes no sound until the moment 
> of its death, at which point it lets out a long scream made up of 
> every sound it has ever heard, regurgitated backwards. Jobberknoll 
> feathers are used in Truth Serums and Memory Potions."

Yeah.  Yeah, okay.  That's, uh...that's pretty good, actually.  
Yellow flag retracted.

But you've still got the Egg and the Dementor to deal with.  The 
Jobberknoll doesn't fix those.  If you really want to convert me to 
your Reverse Memory Charm cause, then you're going to have to find 
some way around the Egg and the Dementor.  Otherwise, I just can't go 
for it.

And just calling Reverse Memory Bangy and FEATHERBOASish isn't going 
to convince me.  It is indeed true that the Reverse Memory Charm is 
appealingly cruel and horrid.  But it's hardly the *only* appealingly 
cruel and horrid Memory Charm theory floating around in the Bay, you 
know.  Many far more stable Memory Charm theories give every bit as 
much Bang for the buck -- and a number of them are every last bit as 
ghastly as the MATCHING ARMCHAIR.  Can't I interest you in a Ministry 
Cover-up instead?  One with an option on Ever So Evil Moody, 
perhaps?  That one's pretty Bangy.  Or how about Debbie's Memory 
Charm Most Foul flavored DEPRECIATION variant?  That one has Bang 
*and* cruelty!  Won't you at least try it on for size?

Also, I would like to point out that when it comes to the Bang 
quotient...

Well, how to say this?

<deep breath>

The Reverse Memory Charm actually isn't even all that Bangy to begin 
with, now, is it?  I mean, the idea that Neville might be hearing his 
parents screaming in torment all the time is indeed cruel, and it 
does indeed please my featherboas, but it isn't really in the 
*slightest* bit Bangy.  It doesn't offer any opportunities for a 
Great Character-changing Catalyst, or for a Shocking Revelation, or 
for a Mind-Blowing Plot Twist, or for an Oscar-worthy Cinematic 
Moment, or *any* of that.  

I mean, where's the Bang?  What's the Bang supposed to be?  

In fact...

<Elkins draws herself up to her greatest height -- even standing on 
her very tippy-toes to do so -- and offers a silent word of thanks 
for that nice thick wooden podium that is currently standing between 
Cindy's Big Paddle and all of her innards>

In *fact,* I don't think that Reverse Memory Charm belongs on the Big 
Bang Destroyer at *all*.  I say that it's a *Dud,* and should be 
stowed away in the hold until it can prove its merit!

><(("> ><(("> ><(("> ><(("> ><(("> ><(("> ><(("> ><(("> ><(("> ><((">

There was a very long silence.

Uh-oh, thought Elkins.  Now I've done it.

-- Elkins