Theory Bay - What is going on? - I'm Leaving LOLLIPOPS

Wed May 22 22:23:14 UTC 2002

No: HPFGUIDX 39000

Well, after two weeks or so away, Eileen comes back, thinking that 
the very interesting discussions about Neville and memory charms must 
have quieted down. She is contemplating a long, comfy post on the 
idea of sacrifice in regards to the whole discussion. Before she 
begins, however, she notices lights in the Theory Museum. It is night 
and the place should be locked up.... Intrigued, and uncowed by the 
knowledge that she is following in the footsteps of Frank Bryce, she 
heads up to the Museum.

Along the way, she passes the beach, where she sees the Fourth Man 
Hovercraft parked, and more frighteningly, even the BIG BANG 
destroyer. The crews are gone. Even Avery is gone. Worse, the paddles 
are gone. Eileen begins to be a little frightened. 

She tiptoes into the Theory Museum by the backdoor. Then she sees a 
sign, "MC Syposium - Downstairs - Follow the Arrows." 

Downstairs is a sight to behold. There is no-one there, but the place 
is strewn with crackers, cheese whiz, Kool-aid... and wait, black-
olive flavoured Kool-aid? Having had it knocked into her head from a 
very young age that she must carry on the proud tradition of her 
maternal family's obsession with olives (they give each other olive 
products for birthdays), she pours herself a glass, and begins to - 
slowly - sip it.

Upstairs, she can hear faint jabberings. Whoever was here in the 
building does not seem to have left. Then, she picks up a pamphlet?

A Memory Charm Symposium? And she missed it? Good grief. Fortunately, 
she notices a small little bird hanging around the premises. A 
Jabberknoll. What luck! With the ruthlessness of the Viking whose 
name bedecks her email address, she strides over and strangles the 
poor little thing. Its feathers will make a nice addition to her 
FEATHERBOA, but she must now concentrate on the sounds of the 
Symposium flowing backwards from the Jabberknoll's mouth.

In the process, she misses some things. She does not have enough time 
to inquire into who Stoned!Harry is, and why he was finally beheaded. 
She only slightly begins to comprehend the parallel universes 
mentioned by certain delegates. And did someone really suggest that 
Avery was the Fourth Man who was Rita Skeeter who was really the 
Weasley's cousin who was Uncle Vernon? No? Well, it's difficult to 
follow those backwards jabberings, sometimes. 

But, she is good at following things backwards, on the whole, and 
learns more about the Memory Charm than she ever wanted to know. Even 
having understood all those posts, her mind is spinning. Will she 
ever be able to decide whether Fudge was framing Crouch Sr., or the 
bad aurors were torturing Frank, or whether Evil!Frank was torturing 
his wife and then got turned on, or whether Avery was baking Frank 
brownies, or Barty Jr. was boasting of his marks, or Gran was 
sleeping with Lucius Malfoy, or Algie was spying on Gran, or Snape 
was in love with Neville's mother... Well, I think it's quite obvious 
that Snape was in love with Neville's mother. In fact, I'd like to 
announce that I am .... errr.... leaving the Good Ship LOLLIPOPS. 

No, not because Elkins has been hypnotizing me about Neville's mother 
and Snape. Not because it's stupid or silly.

It's just that you can't have two major characters in love with Lily 
Potter. That's redundant. It's silly. And, well, it's obvious from 
Canon that there was another who loved Lily from afar. 

<Avery emerges from shadows.>

No, not you, Avery. Yes, I know you were in her year. And you 
probably did admire those green eyes, and that red hair, but you were 
studying to be a DE at the time (don't deny it) and she was a 
Gryffindor and a muggle-born at that. So, you could start cleaning 
up, while I further explore the theme. Don't look at me that way, 
please. 

Now, I see two figures in the shadows. Could you come forward? I know 
who you are. You've been trailing us a long time, seeking to kidnap 
Avery from us whom we rightfully stole from you. Two canonical death-
eaters sent against HPFGU by Voldemort himself. Welcome Mr. Lucius 
Malfoy and Mr. Peter Pettigrew.

Lucius, my slippery friend, did you suppose you could hide from me? 
But, my quarrel is not with you. You'd best be upstairs, defending 
your honour against rumours of your torrid affair with Gran 
Longbottom. 

Well, Peter. We meet again. Did you really think you could postpone 
this moment forever? Did you really think you could mislead us with 
stories of Severus's undying passion for Lily? It was you who started 
that story, wasn't it? Do you want to know, Peter, when I began to be 
suspicious? It was the whole tEWWW EWWW tEWW be trEWWW affair. It 
seemed out of character for Snape and Voldemort. And, yet, it seemed 
like a good plot twist. And, then, someone mentioned that it was like 
something else in a obscure fantasy book, about a dark lord and small 
of stature hero. Except there it involved a man named Wormtongue. 

Come now, you remember. Saruman promised Wormtongue that, if he would 
betray his friends, his king, and his country, he would have as a 
reward.... You remember, Wormtail. 

<Peter goes deathly pale.>

Why did Voldemort offer to spare Lily? 

Peter: That's not true! What has that Sirius Black been telling you? 
He's a madman. He's out to get me because he...

Mr. Pettigrew, I've read Prisoner of Azkaban. I've also read Goblet 
of Fire. I know more of your post-1981 behaviour than Mr. Black does, 
I assure you. And... well, you couldn't look him in his eyes, could 
you? You could bind him to the stone, cut him, stand by while 
Voldemort tormented him, but you just couldn't look into those green 
eyes.

<Peter makes a move for his wand.>

That won't work. If you memory charm me, Cindy will be down in a 
second with a Memory Potions, Elkins will be applying Cruciatus, the 
rest will be pouring Veritaserum down my throat, and putting me under 
Imperius. They might even time-travel to revisit our conversation. 
Whatever the correct answer to our memory charm speculations, you can 
be sure that you'll be found out.

<Peter pauses a second, then raises his wand higher.>

Avada Kedavra, Peter? Isn't that a little extreme? Deep down inside 
you, do you really have all it takes to do that? You do, eh? Oh, 
damnit! Aren't you at all remorseful? Look, let's make a bargain, 
mutually beneficial to us all. I get to keep Avery, and I'll keep my 
mouth shut on this issue. 

What does that gain you? Well, errr... 

Oh, very well. Kill me, and they'll find out eventually. I think 
Elkins very nearly had it once, and the others are hot on your trail. 
I promise. I'll get them not to tell Harry, if you leave me alive.

Why should you believe me? Well, I'm a Gryffindor.

Oh, I see. Right. 

I just didn't see it ending this way.

CINDY, THERE'S A DE MURDERING ME IN THE BASEMENT! AND I WANT TO LIVE! 
I WANT TO LIVE TO RELAX IN OUR NEW CANON SUPPORTED MATCHING ARMCHAIR! 
HELP!

Eileen