TBAY: Filch's Double-Cross

[Cindy C.]

No: HPFGUIDX 46004

Exhausted after a long day of preparing the Big Bang Destoyer for 
the coming storm, Cindy was looking forward to a stiff drink in 
George's Tavern in town.  The place was almost empty this late at 
night, with most of the chairs overturned on top of the tables.  A 
single patron remained –- a slender British woman with auburn hair, 
her wrists adorned with a few too many diamond-encrusted bangles.  
Her shoulders slumped as she hunched over a tall glass of bitter 
ale.  Several drained glasses stood on the bar in front of her, and 
she repeatedly waved off the bartender's efforts to clear them away.

Cindy heaved herself upon the empty stool next to the 
woman.  "What'll it be?" asked the bartender, wiping his hands on a 
stained kitchen rag.

"I'll have an Ambush."

"A . . . a *what?*" asked the bartender.

"An *Ambush!*"  Cindy rolled her eyes in exasperation.  "You know -- 
one ounce Bushmills and one ounce Amaretto, strained into a large 
shot glass?  Honestly, George!  How long have you owned this place, 
anyway?"

"Did . . . did you just order an *Ambush?*" asked the woman.  "Oh, 
there's nothing I like better than a cold Ambush!  George, make it a 
couple!"  Her eyes widened suddenly, and she sat upright on her 
stool.  "You wouldn't happen to be . . . are you . . . are you 
*Cindy?*  From the Big Bang?"

"Yes, I am," replied Cindy in a long-suffering tone.  "And who, 
might I ask, are you?"

"Jo.  I mean, Jo Rowling.  I, uh . . . .  I've written a few 
children's books.  Maybe you've heard of them?  There's, um, 'Harry 
Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone,' and then there was another one -- "

"Yes, yes, I've read the books," Cindy said, waving her hand 
impatiently.  "What on earth are you doing here?  You're supposed to 
be writing the fifth book!  What brings you to George's this late at 
night?"

"It's that kid," Jo said curtly.  "That *Oprah* kid!  He's ruined 
*everything!*"

"'That Oprah kid?'" Cindy repeated blankly.

"That's right.  See, there's this kid who is a big fan of Harry 
Potter, and he wrote to me, and we started exchanging letters.  And 
he kept asking me what was going to happen in the next book.  Again 
and again he asked, and I wouldn't tell him.  But he just kept 
*hounding* me.  So finally, I Cracked!  I told him something about 
OoP –- something that wasn't even *true,* just to throw him off -- 
and then he went and *blabbed* it on international television –- 
right there in front of God and Oprah and everyone!"

"Oh, I heard about that show.  Oprah kept mispronouncing your name, 
didn't she?"

"Can you believe it?"  Jo scowled.  "Someone named 'Oprah' can't say 
*my* name right?  'Rowlings' –- where did she get *that?*  Sheez!

"Anyway . . . "  Jo paused to slam her shot glass on the counter and 
knocked back her drink in one gulp.  "I told the kid that muggles 
were going to invade the wizarding world in the next book.  What was 
I *thinking?*  I've finished the whole manuscript -– I have it right 
here, in fact –- but now I'll have to toss the whole bloody thing 
into a *raging* bonfire because there's not a word in it about 
muggles invading the wizarding world.  It's going to take me *years* 
to re-write the thing.  Oh, thanks a *lot,* kid!"

"Hold on, hold on now," Cindy said.  "Maybe we can save it.  I mean, 
the concept of muggles invading the wizarding world isn't 
ridiculous, right?"

"Oh, it's ridiculous, all right," Jo said glumly.  "I've thoroughly 
painted myself into a corner in the first four books.  Muggles never 
believe magic when they see it, right?  Wizards can do all these 
spells to make muggles forget things, remember?  All of the scenes 
with the Dursleys and the Robertsons firmly establish that muggles 
have victim status in the books and are completely helpless, see?  
Even electricity doesn't work when muggle devices get near Hogwarts, 
not to mention concepts like unplottability that make it hard to 
explain how muggles could even find wizards to invade their world.  
And if a muggle did manage to attack a wizard, the wizard would 
simply throw up a Shield Charm and the muggle would bounce right 
off, wouldn't he?  Oh, I really dug my own grave this time."

"No, no, I think you can make it work," Cindy broke in 
quickly.  "There are ways muggles might invade the wizarding world, 
right there in the first four books."

Jo raised her eyebrows contemptuously.  "Oh, really?  Name one."

"Well, there's Filch, for one thing.  Filch really gets a raw deal 
in the wizarding world, don't you think?  He's a squib, so he's 
technically a wizard, I suppose.  He's part of the wizarding world, 
in any event.  He seems to harbor a great deal of hostility toward 
wizards, though, so he's clearly not happy with his station in life.

"See, Jo, I've always wondered why Filch remains on as the Hogwarts 
groundskeeper.  I mean, why not go live as a muggle?  Why be at the 
very bottom of the heap in the magical world when he instead could 
go live a perfectly nice life as a muggle, maybe using whatever 
teensy bit of magical power he has to make life in the muggle world 
a touch easier.  You know, small fish in a big pond versus big fish 
in a small pond and all.

"Not only that, Filch seems almost to be the wizarding world patsy.  
Fred and George disrespect Filch to the point of deliberately making 
his job difficult by doing things like setting off dung bombs and 
stealing things from his office.  Snape orders Filch around and 
snaps at him.  And Filch is reduced to trying to cure his squib 
status with Snake Oil remedies like the Kwick Spell course.  That's 
just plain humiliating.  No way is Filch a happy man."

"That's true," Jo allowed, nodding slowly.  "Why would anyone be 
content with that?"

"Heck, look at the name you picked for Filch.  Argus Filch.  'Argus' 
is a beast in Greek mythology, and 'filch' means to steal.  Yet you 
haven't done anything with that in the books.  So far, Filch has 
done almost nothing."

"Hey, I did give myself some room to work there, didn't I?" Jo asked 
hopefully.

"Oh, that's just the beginning.  Look at Filch's characterization.  
He *hates* the students, and he is vindictive and horrible to them.  
He keeps chains and manacles in his office.  He knows the secret 
passageways of Hogwarts better than most anyone."

"But what am I supposed to *do* with all of this Filch canon," Jo 
asked beseechingly.

"Oh, that's where the fun begins.  Obviously, if the muggles are 
going to invade the wizarding world, they're going to need some 
help, right?  They'll need someone who knows all about the wizarding 
world –- its history, its vulnerabilities.  Perhaps someone who 
knows the wizarding world will soon be divided against itself and 
therefore weakened.  Filch knows all of these things, including how 
to get to one of the most powerful wizards there is –- Albus 
Dumbledore.  Filch is someone with a motive –- a desire to avenge 
years of shabby treatment at the hands of wizards -- "

"You don't mean –-"

"I most certainly do!"  Cindy cried.  "Turncoat!Filch is the way you 
can save OoP *and* keep your little pen pal happy!  Argus Filch goes 
over to the muggles and organizes them.  He spills the darkest 
secrets of the wizarding world to the muggles, rallying them to rise 
up against the treatment they have received at the hands of 
wizards!  He tells them how and where to strike the wizarding world 
-– hard!  If the muggles join with him, Filch says, they will be rid 
of wizards once and for all -– especially now that muggle-torturing 
DEs are on the loose again.  Oh, Filch sees what might be his only 
chance to make his big move, and he doesn't let it slip away -- 
especially if you make Filch the person who discovers magic late in 
life!  Don't you see, Jo -- it's *perfect!*"

"I don't know," Jo said doubtfully.  "I mean, I've already come up 
with this detailed outline of the book, and I have my themes all 
set."

"Oh, that's no problem at all.  Turncoat!Filch fulfills all that 
stuff like narrative function and theme and . . .uh . . . whatever."

Jo narrowed her eyes in suspicion.  "Uh, Cindy, aren't you getting 
out of your league just a bit here.  I mean, no offense or anything, 
but *you?*  Discussing theme and narrative function?"

"Hey, hey now!  I've been reading up on this theory-type stuff, and 
I'm ready to start popping off about themes and narrative function 
and even subversive readings of the text if you want.  See, one of 
the big themes in the books is that it isn't what you're born, it's 
what you choose to become that matters, right?"

"Uh, if you say so."

"Right," Cindy went on.  "So Filch was born a squib.  He could 
choose to continue the honorable work of groundskeeper.  I mean, 
it's a living, and Filch is surely better off in the wizarding world 
than Lupin, who can't get paid work at all.  Dumbledore has been 
kind enough to allow Filch this toehold into the wizarding world, 
even though Filch can't use magic to do his job.  But that's not 
good enough for Filch.  No, he makes another choice.  A choice to 
betray Dumbledore.  In this way, Filch chooses what is easy over 
what is right.

"And not only that," Cindy said with a twisted smile.  "Turncoat!
Filch is *Bangy,* Jo.  And that's the Biggest theme of them all."

"Hey, you might have something there!" Jo said, clapping Cindy on 
the back.  "Let me give it some thought.  You know, this 
Turncoat!Filch thing could be just what I'm looking for.  A few 
quick edits and I can have the next book out in no time.  Thanks a 
lot, Cindy!"

Cindy slammed her own shot glass onto the counter and drained it, 
wiping her mouth with the back of sleeve.  "No trouble at all.  Can 
I treat you to another round, Jo?"

"No thanks, I have a craving for something different.  George, I'd 
like a shot of Vodka, a shot of Chambord, and just a splash of 
cranberry juice."  She gave Cindy a sly smile.  "You know -- 
a 'Vampire.'"

************

Cindy 

*************

Cocktail recipes courtesy of 
http://cocktails.about.com/library/recipes/blambush.htm and 
http://cocktails.about.com/library/recipes/blvampire.htm

************

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