FILK: Dark Defense Tutorial

[pippin_999]

No: HPFGUIDX 45674

Dark Defense Tutorial
A filk by Pippin to the tune of 
Gilbert and Sullivan's I am the very Model of a Modern Major 
General
Hear the original at 
http://math.boisestate.edu/gas/pirates/p13.mid

Dedicated to CMC

The Scene:
Lockhart's Office, September, 1992
Lockhart sings  while putting up posters and photographs of 
himself.
The images join in on the chorus

LOCKHART:
I'll teach the very model of a Dark Defense tutorial
I'll cover subjects vegetable animal and mineral
I know the spooks of England, and the lore of beasts fantastical
>From to Augereys to Unicorns in order alphabetical
I'm very well acquainted too with matters on the Quidditch pitch
I could have played for England if I hadn't caught the Dark Arts 
itch
And when it comes to potions I am teeming	with a lot of brews
Restoratative draughts  are something I can whip up while I 
snooze

ALL:
Restoratative draughts are something we can whip up while we 
snooze

LOCKHART
Oh I have even cured a werewolf  having mastered Homorphus 
And I've dealt with a vampire so that he could only suck lettuce
In short in matters sorcerous tenebrous and black magical
I'll teach the very model of a Dark Defense tutorial

ALL:
In short in matters sorcerous tenebrous and black magical
We'll teach the very model of a Dark Defense tutorial

****
WIZARD CALENDAR PAGES flip past to June: 
Ron and Harry have come to offer their help in rescuing Ginny
Lockharts sings a reprise as he packs
*****
LOCKHART:
Oh I've a real talent when it comes to turning pixies loose
For dimly signing forged requests for students wanting polyjuice
And whilst I gladly act out all the scenes from my collected books
If you believe I did that stuff you really are a pair of schnooks.

RON AND HARRY:
And while he gladly acts out all the scenes from his collected 
books
If we believe he did that stuff we really are a pair of schnooks?

LOCKHART:
In fact if I knew what  was meant by kneazle and  Abraxian
If I could tell at sight a hippocampus from a pogrebin
And if I knew  precisely how the leprechaun can do its  tricks
And if in facing basilisks no other Auror took such risks
If I had learned what progress has been made in fighting You 
Know Who
And if my lilac robes had all assumed a much more modest hue
In short if I'd a smattering of dark arts fighting strategy
I wouldn't have to hex you both and say it was a tragedy.

RON AND HARRY:
He's going to try and hex us both and say it was a tragedy

LOCKHART:
For though I've boasted daily in my Dark Defense tutorial
My dark arts fighting knowledge, I'm afraid, is rather minimal
Besides the winning smile with which I hawk my wares authorial
The only skill I really have is with my charms memorial

[Harry performs Expelliarmus and Lockhart's wand flies from his 
hand]

RON AND HARRY:
If he had mastered magic other than his charms memorial
We'd say  there never was a better Dark Defense tutorial