TBAY Humpty-Dumptying the Bangs (or not)

[Eileen]

No: HPFGUIDX 54627

Abigail and Derannimer are holding a private
conference in the corner of the Royal George when
suddenly the door smashes down. 

They jump, and then draw a huge breath of relief. It
is only Eileen at the door. 

But a very different Eileen, an Eileen with a long
black cloak, with wand out and at the ready an Eileen
with jackboots.  

"All right! Put your hands up! I'm bringing you in for
treason!"

"Treason?" asks Abigail. 

"Insinuating that there's such a thing as too many
bloody ambushes!" says Eileen. "Treason to the Big
Bang Manifesto!

"Is that treason? I don't think it's treason. I think
we can be reasonable Big Bangers without..."

"Would you get a move on, or do I have to give you a
dose of Cruciatus?"

Cindy smirks, leaning back at the bar counter. 

"Errr... do I get a trial to explain my position?"
asks Abigail.

Cindy thinks about this. "Hmmmm.... no. I'll decide
the case myself, and then it's off to Azkaban.
Prisoner, sit down." Cindy jumps up on the counter.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, this foul supporter of the
Steady State Theory..."

"I don't support Steady State!" cries Abigail.

"I say you do," says Cindy, "And have I not given
throughout my career many proofs that I detest Steady
State theories and those who advocate them?"

"You're humpty-dumptying the court procedure!" screams
Abigail. 

"Take her away," says Cindy curtly. 

A few minutes later, the floor of the Royal George,
Cindy and Eileen celebrate a day's work well done over
drinks. 

"Who should we go after next?" asks Cindy.

"I've heard they have a nice ping-pong table over at
the Safe House," says Eileen pensively. 

"The Safe House is rather into bloody scenarios,
though," says Cindy. "I don't know whether it would be
politically expedient... errr... whether it would be
good for the general safety of the Bay."

"Strike hard," says Eileen. "We must make them fear
us." She downs her whiskey. "By the way, Captain, do
you think there can ever be too much carnage?"

"Theoretically, I suppose it's possible," says Cindy,
"but really, do you really think we're looking at
that. The problem ahead will be that JKR will be too
sparing with her carnage. Look at her track record.
All those people miraculously spared in CoS. That
grand finale was a bit goofy, if you ask me. And in
GoF, the great and painful death turned out to be
Cedric Diggory. The series needs blood and carnage, to
be taken seriously, and we FEATHERBOAS are just
acknowledging the fact. She runs no danger of
desensitizing us to death, as it stands right now."

"But Abigail seemed to think that we had too many
deaths planned out."

"We need to be prepared for everything," says Cindy.
"Look, I've predicted that Hagrid will kill his
mother, and that his mother will kill Hagrid. These
are both just possibilities. Both can't happen
simultaneously. Though I suppose they could wound each
other so badly that they died slowly of blood loss...
while Harry watches on, bound to a rock. But the only
certainty is Hermione will die in Book V."

"I'm not proposing too many deaths," says Eileen
thoughtfully. "I only think Lupin will die. And
Dumbledore. And Hagrid. And possibly Snape. And
definitely Percy. And Voldemort. And Lucius Malfoy.
And Peter Pettigrew. And Mrs. Lestrange. And Fudge
will get his soul sucked out by a dementor. And sundry
other deaths. That's not too much for three more
books, surely? Come on, who doesn't subscribe to those
last five fates?"

"Why don't we go around and see?" asks Cindy,
grinning. I'll buy you a drink if you can dispose of a
supporter of the Steady State theory in less than a
minute."

Eileen, with apologies to the memories of Barty Crouch
Sr. and Frank Longbottom

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