TBAY: DIMINISHED CAPACITIES (was: Humpty-Dumptying the Bangs)

[abigailnus]

No: HPFGUIDX 54666


Cindy and Eileen are just getting ready to toast their recent victory, when a rather begraggled figure appears at the door of the Royal George.  Abigail is looking distinctly ruffled.  Her many-pocketed coat is scuffed and torn, and there are a few twigs and leaves in her hair.

"Abigail!"  Eileen calls in dismay.  "What are you doing here?  You should be halfway to Azkaban by now!  I sent my best men to escort you!"

"I told them their shoes were untied and ran off before they could figure out they were wearing loafers."  Abigail says, still catching her breath.  "Incidentally, you might want to look into your hiring practices.  I don't think you're getting the best quality."

Eileen colors, but rallies quickly.  "Well, it doesn't matter, I'll take you to Azkaban myself if I have to!"

"Yeah, do you think we could maybe revisit that decision?"  Abigail asks, having recovered herself, thanks in no small part to a drink provided by George.  "What exactly was I accused of?"

"Why, treason, of course!"  Eileen cries.  "Insinuating that there's such a thing as too many bloody ambushes!  Treason to the Big Bang Manifesto!"

"And you're sure that's treason, are you?"  Abigail says.  "Because, last time I checked, I wasn't a crewmember of the Big Bang Destroyer."

"Um, Abigail?"  Derannimer pipes up, "I don't think that's really an issue that you want to raise..."

Belatedly, Abigail remembers that Derannimer is, of course, a card-carrying member of the BBD.  "Well, never mind that, I'm not sure you've met your burden of proof."

"What burden of proof?"  Cindy asks.  "There wasn't even a trial.  I decided your case myself.  And really, you got off easy.  I so detest Steady State theories and those who support them that if we were at sea I would have made you walk the plank!"

"But I don't support Steady State!"  Cries Abigail.

"Then what do you call this new..." Eileen spits out the words "DIMINISHED CAPACITY of yours?"

"DIMINISHED CAPACITY is a Big Bang theory."  Abigail insists.  "Why, under Steady State, it would fall apart.  DC insists that Bangs are important.  So important, in fact, that it is vital to space them and not over-indulge in them, otherwise they become less Bangy, and we end up with a Steady State!"

Eileen and Cindy give Abigail two matching sour looks, and then retreat into a huddle.

"You don't think there can ever be too much carnage, do you Captain?" Eileen asks.

"Theoretically, I suppose it's possible," says Cindy, "but really, do you really think we're looking at that. The problem ahead will be that JKR will be too paring with her carnage. Look at her track record.  All those people miraculously spared in CoS. That grand finale was a bit goofy, if you ask me. And in GoF, the great and painful death turned out to be Cedric Diggory. The series needs blood and carnage, to be taken seriously, and we FEATHERBOAS are just acknowledging the fact. She runs no danger of desensitizing us to death, as it stands right now."

"But.. but.."  Abigail, who has been shamelessly eavesdropping, sputters.  "You just proved my point.  JKR herself doesn't think that too many Bangs are a good dramatic policy.  And I'll tell you what else, you yourself don't think it's a good idea!"

"I beg you pardon?"  Cindy rears up.  "I think I can trust myself to know my own mind, young lady!"

"No, wait!"  Abigail says.  "What are the two plot points that we all least want to see in OotP and the following books?  About what devices do people most often say 'if she uses such-and-such I'll really be disappointed'?"

Eileen and Cindy refuse to meet each other's eyes for several moments.  Finally, Eileen mutters.  "Unregistered Animagus and Polyjuice Potion."

"Exactly."  Abigail says.  "And both of those device were only used *twice*.  Remember how Bangy they were the first time they were introduced?  And now every theory that suggests one or both of them is invariably met with a chorus of 'not that old hat again'."

"Wait a minute!"  Eileen insists.  "You can't equate death to a plot device.  The latter is JKR's invention, the former is a fact of life."

"But we're not talking about death the ultimate reality."  Abigail responds.  "We're talking about death as in death scenes, deaths that advance the narrative, people sacrificing their own lives, Harry experiencing death.  We're talking about plot devices that *involve* death.  Take, for example, the death of someone close to Harry - it's a plot device.  If it happens once, it's devastating.  If it happens twice, we're very distraught.  By the third time, we're so paranoid and, yes, desensitised, that we can't work up the emotion to care.  The same dynamic applies to the death of an major bad guy."

"But I'm not proposing too many deaths," says Eileen thoughtfully. "I only think Lupin will die. And Dumbledore. And Hagrid. And possibly Snape. And definitely Percy. And Voldemort. And Lucius Malfoy.  And Peter Pettigrew. And Mrs. Lestrange. And Fudge will get his soul sucked out by a dementor. And sundry other deaths. That's not too much for three more books, surely?"

But if Eileen thought she might stun Abigail into silence, she was sadly mistaken.  Abigail all but leaps in the air, and the proceeds to hug Eileen so enthusiastically that she lifts her off her feet.

"Abigail!"  Eileen sputters.  "What's gotten into you?"

Abigail puts Eileen down and begins dancing around the room.  "Dead!Lupin!  Dead!Lupin!  You believe in him!"  Her eyes are gilttering with excitement. "I thought I was the only one!  Oh, do you think you could agree with me that Lupin is the horrible book 5 death?  Could ya?  Could ya? Huh?"

This is too much for Eileen.  "Silence!"  She cries.  "We've humored you long enough!  You're going back to Azkaban, where you obviously belong!"

"No, I'm not."  Says Abigail.  

"And why," Cindy asks, "may I ask, not?"

"I have diplomatic immunity."

"What?!"  From Eileen and Cindy simultaneously.

Abigail smiles, and produces from one of her many pockets a large and slightly mouldy scroll.  "Having acknowledged that DIMINISHED CAPACITY is a theory of its own, albeit an offshoot of Big Bang, the TBAY charter grants me full diplomatic protection while theorising under the colors of my own acronym.  DIMINISHED CAPACITY may choose to open diplomatic relations with the Big Bang Destroyer, and indeed we'd quite like to, but we neither ackowledge the jurisdiction of the BBD's courts nor do we have an existing extradition agreement."  She sticks her tongue out at Cindy.  "You can't touch me."

"Let me have that."  Cindy grabs the scroll roughly from Abigail's hands and scans throught it.  "Let me see... paragraph (iii)... second subclause... fifth appendix...  Aha!"  She rolls up the scroll and smiles sweetly.  "Abigail, would you mind telling me what DIMINISHED CAPACITY stands for?"

"Of course."  Abigail replies. "DIMINISHED CAPACITY - Death In Massive Increments Negates Its Supposed Horror - EveryDay Corpses And Perpetual Atrocities Cause Indifference To amplifY"

"I knew it!"  Cindy cries.  "It's fudged at the end!  This," She points derisively at the printout bearing the acronym, "is a sub-standard acronym, and therefore enjoys no dimplomatic privileges."

"It's back to the pokey for you, Abigail." Says Eileen gleefully.

"Er, excuse me?"  Says a newcomer to the Royal George, who has been trying, unsuccessfully, to get herself heard over the ruckus for several minutes.

"Who are you?"  Asks Cindy.

"I'm Corinth."  The newcomer replies.  "I've been wandering around this place, trying to get my bearings, and I couldn't help overhearing.  I was wondering if I might add a suggestion to that acronym. Perhaps making it plural would help the ending."

Abigail stares at her in awe and hands her the strip of paper.  Corinth begins scribbling furiously.  Finally she produces:

DIMINISHED CAPACITIES: Death In Massive Increments Negates Its Supposed Horror - EveryDay Corpses And Perpetual Atrocities Create Indifference Towards Increasingly Empty Sacrifices.

"There."  Abigail says quietly.  "Now its perfect."  She gazes for a few minutes in fond awe at the strip of paper in Corinths' hands, and then suddenly she yells.  "GEORGE!  BRING OUT THE BUTTON MACHINE!"

A huge contraption, covered in dust and dripping machine oil, is rolled out by George the barman. It takes up an entire corner of ther room.  Abigail and George argue furiosly for a few moments, and then George does several mechanical looking things, and pulls a lever.

A sound like a cross between an air-raid siren and a lovesick cat pounds into the eardrums of everyone unlucky enough to be within a half-mile radius of the Royal George.  Everyone is the saloon covers their ears, but Abigail is the only one who is smiling manically throughout.

Finally, after what seems like a million years, the noise stops, and is replaced by a steady chuga-chuga sound, as the machine spits out a pile of small, shiny round objects.

"Badges?"  Derannimer asks.  "All this for some stinkin' badges that say DIMINISHED CAPACITIES?"

"That's not all they do."  Abigail enthuses.  "Look, when you press them, they explain the acronym."  She collects the buttons in a box.  "OK, there's one for me, and one for you, and you get one too, of course, Corinth.  I'll be president, and Derannimer, you can be vice-president, and Corinth will be the secratary.  We'll start selling them for two knuts at the pier, everyone will want to join, and..."

Eileen gives Cindy a sad look.  "I think we may have created a monster."  She says.

Abigail
Who would like to thank Corinth for her timely intervention and welcome her to TBAY