FILK: "S.P.E.W."

[Haggridd]

No: HPFGUIDX 55757

Gilbert, Rodgers, Lerner, Kander, Flanders--Move aside!
Sullivan, Hart (or Hammerstein), Loewe, Ebb , Swann-- you're all 
passe!  Make way for the team of the new millennium, "Amy Z. & 
Haggridd"!

Our first offering is a filk of the Tom Lehrer song 
"Smut", titled "S.P.E.W."

Italicized passages are indicated by enclosing them between asterisks.

This filk is dedicated to Joywitch, who ought to write filks herself.


                             S.P.E.W.

SCENE:  Hermione has come into the Gryffindor common room carrying a 
roll of parchment and a box.  She corners Harry and Ron to tell them 
all about her newly founded Society for the Promotion Of Elvish 
Welfare.  The box contains membership badges.  What has not been 
revealed until now is that on the parchment that held the S.P.E.W. 
manifesto, "Stop the Outrageous Abuse of Our Fellow Magical Creatures 
and Campaign for a Change in Their Legal Status", was also written 
the organization's anthem.

HERMIONE:
S.P.E.W.!
Let's give the house-elves all they're due.
And any sniggering from you
Two must be mu-ted.

You can't be fickle,
Just pay a Sickle
Or two and I'll give you a badge made of nickel.
Ron can be the Treasurer and Harry can be Secretary,
Now in S.P.E.W.
We have you two 
That makes a total of three; isn't that merry?

We
Will change the non-wand-use decree,
House-elves won't have to work for free,
Or wear those tea-
Towels. Can't you see?

 
*They cook the food we eat, do the dishes, do our 
laundry, clean our filthy common rooms, dormitories, 
dungeons, loos, stained-glass windows-- everything!  
'Til they're paid, we'll never be satisfied!*
 

(A house-elf wanders in to clean the grate.  Hermione takes the 
opportunity to raise the elf's conciousness.)
 
Not to be nosy,
But is that tea-cosy
Really all you have to wear?
That's not fair.
You won't go sockless,
You'll be auction block-less
Once you stand up for yourselves.
*Let's face it, I love elves.*

(To Hermione's surprise, underneath that tea-cosy is the familiar 
ugly face of Dobby.)

DOBBY:
A hundred weeks this job I seeks;
At Hogwarts I is staying.
Professor Dumbledore will pay if Dobby wants his paying.
That's not all, there's more,
Vacations galore!

RON:
*The house-elves all think that Dobby's depraved,
Hermione. They. Like. It. They like being enslaved!*

Give in,
They think not working is a sin.
This is a struggle you can't win.
I'm much too thin
To lose my din-ner.

HERMIONE:
Who needs a hobby, like Quidditch or Astronomy?
I've got a mission-- winning Elf autonomy.
To all who would oppress them, I'm afraid we must be blunt,
We cannot fail!  We will prevail, the House-Elf Liberation Front!
In other words,
S.P.E.W.!
The ways of justice we'll pursue.
The revolution's overdue.

RON:
I can't think who
Might want to *spew*
And trouble you.

HERMIONE:
*Ron, that's "S-P-E-W".*
 
HARRY AND RON:
Okay, we'll do it for you.


(Harry and Ron reluctantly pin the S.P.E.W. badges on, and they leave 
the Gryffindor Common Room with sheepish expressions on their faces.)


-Amy Z. & Haggridd