parenting

[susanmcgee48176]

No: HPFGUIDX 86695

> You wrote:
> But some don't WANT to ! For some it's simply painful to be away 
from
> their family, even for the shortest of times !
> 
> The thing is, though, even if you don't want to be away from them, 
> they're going to want to be away from you.  School, friends, summer 
> camp-all those things take them away from us and into their own 
> lives.  Maybe it's good to get some practice before it's forced on 
> us.  And it's a good thing to spend some time alone with your 
> partner-kids take up so much time and emotional energy that 
> sometimes you neglect the other adult you live with.

They are! They are going to want to leave me! I can't stand 
this..nope, can't deal with this news (my kids are 6 and 4)



>> 
> > You wrote:
> So maybe you can help me with a problem I'll have to face in a few
> years : how do you tell a child about sex offenders that prey on
> kids ? 
> 
This is something I can help with..have some professional expertise 
about it...

Okay, first, the bad news...most sexual offenders are members of the 
family or extended family. The vast majority of kids  are molested by 
someone they know...(if you're interested I will point you to the 
plethora of research now on the  web) majority are  sexually molested 
by fathers, step fathers, uncles, male friends of the family. 
(Profound apologies to those who think this is anti-male, it's the 
truth. Women do sexually abuse..no question..but the vast majority of 
perpetrators are male. Most men would die before sexually abusing a 
kid, this is not about men, it's about perps)

Only about 10% of children are sexually abused by strangers.  There 
are relatively few stranger abductions. Most kidnappings are by 
family members.

The good news is that you can give your kids tools of prevention. If 
they are molested, they can and will recover quickly if they have the 
right kind of support.

Here's the deal. Start at age 2 and keep repeating this stuff.

First, teach your children the correct names for body parts (which 
means you have to get over your own squeamishness).

Second, tell your kids that these are your private parts: Penis, 
testicles, vulvas, inner thighs, buttocks (you can use butt if it's 
easier), breasts..these are private parts. Parts that are covered by 
bating suits (usually) are private parts.

Third, tell your kids that these are their own private parts and no 
one can touch them without permission. Sometimes parents have to 
touch them to wash the private parts, or help put medicine on the 
private parts, but EVEN PARENTS have to have a GOOD REASON to touch 
private parts.

Doctors and nurses may have to examine/treat private parts, but even 
doctors and nurses have to have permission from parents to touch 
private parts.

Fourth, what should kids do if someone tries to touch their private 
parts?
Kids should say "no!" (No is our safe, strong and free word)
And then they should TELL SOMEONE.....

What if that person doesn't believe them? They should keep telling 
adults until someone does believe them..then you list people they 
could tell...

Okay, here's the deal about stranger danger..for young kids..

Who is a stranger? 

A stranger is someone you don't know.

Can I talk to strangers?

If a parent or a teacher is with you, yes...If not, you can say 
hello, good day, excuse me, or good bye to a stranger....it's okay to 
be polite...but that's it...

Could a stranger be beautiful or handsome?

(this is important because kids have the idea that bad guys/women are 
ugly).

YES!

What if a stranger said "come with me and I'll give you candy..or 
come with me I've got some wonderful puppies/kittens in my car..."

What do you do? 

You say "No!" And then you go tell a trusted grown up? Who could you 
tell?

Code words are good. 

Also, teach kids how to dial 911. 

Okay, now about kids "playing doctor"..(euphemism from my childhood).
That's normal with kids who are generally the same age. 
Unfortunately, children who have been sexually abused might act out 
and sexually abuse a younger child. Usually, the four year rule is 
the key. If the child is four years older than yours, you should 
worry.

If you find that your child has been "playing doctor", be cool. Ask 
whose idea was it, act pretty uninterested, gather information..was 
your child upset, frightened, felt that the other kid was making him 
or her do it? Usually, if the other child is four years older we 
think of it as abuse...this is not a rigid rule...

If you yourself don't know a lot about sexuality, go get a copy of 
Our Bodies Ourselves for the New Century...it's oh Amazon.com of 
course...

We've already talked to our kids about condoms...latex condoms used 
properly...

My apologies to anyone I've offended, and my apologies to the list 
owners for being off topic. 

Susan McGee
former director, the Child Abuse and Neglect Council of Jackson 
County, Michigan
former director, the Domestic Violence Project, Inc., Ann Arbor, MI
(http://www.dvpsh.org)