TBAY/SHIP: Romance on the Big Bang

[Cindy C. <cindysphynx@comcast.net>]

No: HPFGUIDX 49127

Why in the world did Cindy just hand Derannimer her Big Paddle?

This was not a good idea.  No, this was most definitely a very *bad* 
idea.  Cindy had just hoped to test the mettle of this new 
crewmember.  Most recruits flinched when they caught sight of the 
Paddle.  Or wept openly.  Or fainted dead away.  In the past, Cindy 
had only willfully allowed one other person to use her Big Paddle, 
if you can count having it *wrenched out of her hand* as willful.  
And that person had smashed it into a pile of jagged splinters.  

Cindy lifted her gaze from the paddle to Derannimer.

Who smirked.  

And made a sudden motion with her arm that strongly resembled a 
backswing.

"SAILOR!," Cindy barked.  "I've got to get back to my ship. Got to 
try and round up the darn crew and all . . . ." 

"Captain, please," Derannimer carefully held the Paddle out to 
Cindy. "Please, I *really* think you better keep this. I *really* 
don't think I'm cut out to carry this thing around.

"Besides, no one will take my shipping seriously if they see me with 
your Big Paddle.  People usually flee the instant they see it."

"There is that . . . " Cindy allowed thoughtfully, hiding her 
immense relief.

"Besides, Captain.  There's . . . well, there's a problem. Captain, 
you evaded a great many of my points back there.  Correct me if I'm 
wrong, but for whatever reason, you *mangl*--you. . . didn't quite 
seem to address--what I meant about FITD. 

"The whole *point* of FITD is that it *cuts down* on mating 
rituals!" Derannimer continued recklessly. "The whole point of FITD--
the *definition* of FITD--is that everybody's love is *unrequited.* 
UNREQUITED! Meaning that no one is going to be kissing anyone! I 
mean, for an example, under R/H, Ron can kiss Hermione. Under H/H, 
Harry can kiss Hermione. Under FITD, Ron sure can't, because 
Hermione *doesn't want him to,* and if he tries to without her 
wanting him to (which he better not) she will smack him upside the 
head! And Harry can't either, because he's got no interest in --" 

"OK, now I've heard everything," Cindy interjected.  "Not only are 
you trying to sell me on this idea that romance is Bangy, now you're 
trying to tell me that romance is Bangy even if there's no . . . 
even if no one . . . er . . . 

"Even if no one *gets any?*" Cindy finished uncomfortably, blushing 
a deep scarlet.

"Face it, Captain: unrequited love is a lot less irritating than 
requited love is. Unrequited love is sappy angst. Requited love--the 
lynchpin of most other shipping theories--is sappy *sap.*  Under 
FITD, no two people are going to be in a position to exchange any 
promise rings or any saliva, because no two people are reciprocating 
*anything.*" 

"Ah-ha! Unrequited love is *superfluous*, almost by definition!  You 
just said it yourself -- nothing happens with unrequited love!" 
declared Cindy.  "All we need to do is find Dicentra on the 
GARBAGESCOW and we can –-"

Derannimer rolled her eyes.  "Focus *up,* Captain.  The other nice 
thing about FITD, besides its blessed lack of happy, giggling 
couples, is the fact that we might not see it all.  That is to say, 
since everybody is *unhappily* in love, everybody will be trying to 
act like there not in love. Successful love is *public*; 
unsuccessful love does its best to be *private.*" 

"WHAT?!" Cindy shrieked, flinging her hands upward.  "Oh, this 
simply will not do aboard Big Bang!  What is the overriding 
principal of Big Bang?"

Cindy took a single step forward, her nose now an inch from 
Derannimer's.  "I said," she repeated in a deadly whisper, "what is 
the overriding principal of Big Bang, Sailor?"

Derannimer's unflinching eyes bored into the Captain's.  "If we 
can't imagine a climactic Oscar-worthy scene in which a character 
chooses a dramatically different path because of a Big Event, then 
the theory won't fly under Big Bang," she recited in a dead, hollow 
sort of voice.

"So," Cindy said, exhaling as she stepped backward, "you and your 
little FITD theory have a Big problem, don't you?  If we don't see 
something, it is not Bangy.  Repeat after me –- if we don't see 
something, it is not Bangy.

"Go on.  Do not make me wait."

"If we don't see something, it is not Bangy." 

"Right.  Now, am I making all this up about how Banging works?  
Faith might think so, but what on earth does she know?  JKR is a 
Banger!  She loves to milk drama for all it is worth, right where 
you and I can see it!  Personally, I did not think that graveyard 
scene in GoF would ever end!  Or the Shrieking Shack scene.  Oh, 
no.  She doesn't let anything Big and Bangy happen off-screen if she 
can possibly help it.  Look at what she has used so far to make sure 
the reader experiences first-hand the Bangs that JKR sets up.  Dream 
sequences galore.  Time Turners.  Portkeys.  Pensieves.  Foe glasses.

"And you expect me to believe that if JKR decides to do romance, the 
reader won't *see* it?  That it will all be private?  That Big Bang 
can accommodate romance that will be unrequited?  No, shipping has a 
Big problem finding a place on Big Bang.  Either it is requited and 
therefore Tew Eww to be Treww, or it is unrequited and therefore 
doesn't Bang and might even be superfluous."

"Well," Derannimer said lightly, "Like it or not, Captain, we're 
going to have romance. The most we can hope for is that it doesn't 
get Light and Fluffy. FITD, whatever its faults, is not Light and 
Fluffy." 

"The most we can hope for," countered Cindy, "is that the romance is 
confined to less important characters, and stays outside the Trio! 
Now, what about Hermione and Neville? That could be -- what?" 

Cindy stopped abruptly as Derannimer collapsed to her knees in a fit 
of hopeless giggles.

"What's wrong with Hermione and Neville?" 

"Captain, *Neville?* Poor little pudgy woobie *Neville?*" Derannimer 
managed to say this much, but then started giggling again. 

Cindy waited patiently for them to subside.  "Well, Hermione might 
not see him that way!" 

Derannimer stopped laughing, and looked the Captain squarely in the 
eye. "Captain, please. Hermione *pities* Neville. Hermione 
*condescends* to Neville. If you honestly consider that the basis 
for a healthy relationship, then you are welcome to it. I think it 
would be kind of ugly to watch, myself." 

"Oh, now those are fighting words right there."

"*Pity,* Captain?  You're going to sustain the mighty SHIP 
Hermione/Neville with *pity?*"

"Darn right I am," Cindy shot back.  "Pity.  The Ultimate 
Aphrodisiac."

Derannimer threw back her head and laughed openly.

"Oh, laugh all you want, but don't knock it 'til you've tried it, 
Sailor.  Once you've had a man no one else wants, you'll never go 
back."

Derannimer stood speechless.  "Permission to speak freely, Captain."

Cindy nodded slowly, silently wondering just what might be coming if 
Derannimer actually opened up a bit.

"Frankly, Captain, you are just no good at this whole Ship thing.  
You have no flair for it at all.  Do you have any experience with 
romance?  Anything at all to report there?"

Just then, a majestic horse pawed the ground next to Cindy, seeming 
to have appeared out of nowhere.  She reached up and idly stroked 
the bridge of his nose.  

"There's no reason to get into that, really," Cindy said in a vague 
tone.  She turned to face Derannimer, reaching deep into the pocket 
of her Captain's uniform.  "Maybe you have a point.  I think 
shipping just isn't my long suit."  She pulled a single golden key 
from her pocket, fingering the chain which held it.  Stenciled 
neatly on the side of the key were the words "Shipping Wing."

"Derannimer, how would you like to be in charge of Big Bang's 
shipping wing?  It's empty now because, well . . .  We've never had 
shipping on Big Bang.  But we should start right now, I think.  Just 
keep the crew happy and make sure they Bang on a schedule.  You 
don't want them going soft.  Think you can handle that?"

"Captain I –- why, yes!  I think I can handle that."  Derannimer 
beamed at Cindy, took the key and hung it around her neck, tucking 
it into her uniform for safekeeping.

"Excellent."  Cindy turned toward the horse and vaulted herself onto 
its back, stretching her legs as much as she could to reach the 
stirrups.  She flipped the horse's name tag over and regarded it 
quietly for just a moment:  "AFFECTIVE FALLACY."

"Anyway, Derannimer.  I think you might want to keep something in 
mind when you do your shipping and Banging and whatever else you'll 
be doing in the Shipping wing."

"What's that, Captain?"

Cindy gathered the reins and pulled the horse's head gently in the 
direction of the Destroyer, which sat motionless on the 
horizon.  "Always remember, Derannimer.  Romantic relationships are 
a zero sum game."

******************

Cindy

*******************

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