TBAY - Banging About In SHIPs

[Eileen]

No: HPFGUIDX 49608

"Yes, Elkins, I do know that I'm supposed to be
working on Part Seven of my Crouch responses," says
Eileen, "But look at that. They're trying to make
SHIPs bang! As a fervent shipper and Big Banger I need
to be there."

Elkins glares down from her hobbyhorse. "You know what
I think of shipping. And banging."

"Yes, but I can't help it. I'll be back to talk Crouch
as quickly as possible."

Eileen makes her way to a spot on the quay where a
group of TBAYers are watching the ships battle in the
sky above.

"What a sight," she murmurs. "Oh, look. The Good Ship
R/Hr totally dismasted the H/Hr vessel there."

Cindy twirls around. "You're a shipper?" she says with
distaste.

"Guilty as charged. I'm taking Elkins' five step
program to non-shipping, but until then... I'm pretty
firmly R/Hr."

"R/Hr can't bang," says Susanna.

"Ships don't bang," says Cindy. "Ships are soppy. They
take away from the bangs. I want 38 bangs in OotP, and
shipping just means time diverted from bangs, time
spent on mushy, sappy teenage romance."

"I feel your pain," says Eileen. "In fact, the first
time I read GoF, I screamed when Harry said, "They
make them all right at Hogwarts." But actually, I
quite enjoyed the "romance" in the end."

"How?" asks Cindy.

"You weren't choking from laughter all through the
Yule Ball scene? See, bangs are nice, but you don't
really want a 100% bangy OotP, Cindy, trust me. You
want a bangy and funny OotP, and JKR's shipping so far
has been *very* funny. Teenage love may not be
serious, but it's hilarious to see caricatur in people
like Ron, Hermione, Viktor, and Harry."

"JKR's teenage love ends up with you getting married
at nineteen, and dead at the age of twenty-one," says
Cindy. 

"Yes," says Eileen with a frown. "That does bother me
more than a little. It seems inevitable that everyone
will find their "soulmate" by the end of the series.
But oh well, it's a book. Meanwhile, it's fun to watch
R/Hr. R/Hr involves Ron and Hermione being funny. I
doubt Harry will ever get any more soppy describing
that pairing. R/Hr doesn't demand screentime. R/Hr
does not detract from your bangs. It gives you
something to laugh at between them. Now, H/Hr..."

"H/Hr can bang," says Susanna.

"You're quite right," says Eileen. "But there's bangs
and then there's bangs. The way H/Hr bangs is if
there's a love triangle, or even worse, FITD. But this
bang detracts from the other bangs. We want bangs that
involve bloody ambushes, not Ron discovering that
Hermione's cheating on with Harry."

"Ron could go evil," suggests Susanna.

"You know, despite how often we R/Hers make fun of it,
Evil!Ron is the only form of H/Hr that I find
acceptable. Evil!Ron would be bangy and fit in with
the very bangy plot. But currently, I don't see it - I
won't go into that here - and even if he were to go
evil, I'd rather not that love be at the root of it.
Going to the dark side is a big important thing, and
JKR would cheapen her treatment of it to base it off
someone being slighted in love. It wouldn't be bangy
enough."

"Well, what about bangless H/Hr?" asks Cindy. "How
come you're so enthusiastic about bangless R/Hr and
not bangless H/Hr?"

"Because, my dear Cindy, R/Hr will not take up much
screentime. It will never be sappy and soppy. Harry
will not obsess about it. We'll just see it in the
banter between Ron and Hermione. H/Hr means that we'll
be subjected to long, serious romance with Harry as a
participant. Harry will be too busy snogging Hermione
and JKR will cut down on the banging."

"But," says Susanna, "You do know that the same goes
for H/G."

"That would be why I ship N/G," says Eileen, a smile
on her face. "But H/G does have the advantage in my
mind that it'll take quite a journey to get there.
Harry has to notice Ginny's existance first, so he
won't have as much time to obsess as he would have
over Hermione. Or so I hope. I really am not looking
forward to Harry falling in love with anyone. But up
with R/Hr, which although completely unbangy,
harmonizes perfectly without bangs, will not be
sickeningly unreadable, and supplies us with tons of
laughs. And now I must get back to Elkins. Have fun
Ship watching."

Eileen

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