The REAL reason Snape's hair is greasy!

[Sushi]

No: HPFGUIDX 50105

         Sinead1916 wrote:

>I've been reading some very interesting theories as to why Snape's
>hair is so greasy, and I've come up with my own theory. I warn you
>now; I'm a bit of a Snape fan, so the post might need to be taken
>with a grain of salt. Anyway, I theorize that Snape's greasy hair
>and overall unattractive appearance (yellowish teeth, sallow skin,
>etc.)is all a front. In reality he is quite dead sexy. He has to
>*cover up* his dead sexiness because if he didn't all the female
>students would be swooning over him and never get any work done.
>Without his faux-greasiness, he'd be a constant distraction ;-)


         Ah, me.  Hate to break it to you, but this theory (or variations 
thereon) have been running rampant in Snape-centred fanfic for quite some time.

         Personally, I hold to one probable theory and several unlikely, 
fic-based ones.  There's a small degree of crossover, mainly with his 
teeth, but this varies.  (Just to note, I, too, fall into the category of 
those who think Snape is, as I heard once in from a very bizarre woman in a 
cowboy hat, "sexier than socks on a rooster" - I assume this is a 
compliment.  I also think Voldemort - not Tom Riddle, Voldemort - is one of 
the sexiest characters ever to grace a page.  You may take this information 
as you see fit.)

         1. Hair and skin

         I don't remember who first forwarded this theory on one of my fic 
lists, but it's the best explanation I've ever found for limp, greasy hair: 
he's standing over cauldrons all day.  As someone who's spent a good deal 
of time poring over stoves, chemistry sets, and various and sundry 
chemicals used on metals, I can tell you that the combination of steam and 
airborne particles results in the most disgusting, slimy, foul layer of 
sludge you can imagine.  It gets on your hair, your skin, your clothing, 
down your throat, you name it, it goes there.  It refuses to wash out 
properly, especially if you get a daily buildup, and it can make your skin 
look more like wax.


         2. Skin (con't.)

         Severus doesn't leave the dungeons very much.  We see him outside 
at Quidditch matches and such, but for the most part he's stuck downstairs 
or in the Great Hall.  As one who gets approximately the same amount of sun 
exposure he does, I can tell you it can make you pale, sallow, and 
generally unhealthy-looking.  If the person in question is of a Caucasian 
bent and has a warm skin tone to start with, he or she turns yellowish.  On 
the plus side, he's not so likely to end up with raging melanoma.


         3. Teeth and Bitterness

         If Snape loves his job, I'll eat my aviation shears.  This man is 
a sullen, angry, bitter academic if I ever saw one, and he's got to do 
*something* to deal with it.  Three substances come to mind:

         Coffee
         Tea
         Nicotine

         Frankly, I have a hard time picturing him *not* scurrying to his 
office between classes to choke down a fortifying cup of caffeinated tar, 
or out to some secluded back wall of the castle to light up once the last 
of his students has left him to a few moments' peace before he has the 
*wonderful* privilege of marking their sad excuses for homework.  Given 
that nicotine and caffeine are both stimulants, it would explain some of 
his tense, vengeful swooping.  He's either buzzed on the stuff or coming 
down and needing a serious fix.  Caffeine has a tendency to turn teeth 
yellow or light brown, and nicotine does the same to both teeth and skin.
         I just want to know what he was taking in the Seventies...


         4. Voice

         Again, we get into either cauldrons or smoking.  Severus seldom 
raises his voice over a silken whisper.  This might be the sign of a 
long-term smoker, or it could be a side effect of someone who spends every 
waking moment leaning over somebody's cauldron.  Acidic or alkaline fumes 
(or even sheer quantities of moisture) can irritate tissues in the throat, 
especially the vocal cords, causing anything from difficulty to pain on 
speaking over a whisper.
         Or there is another theory.  We've seen how seldom he truly loses 
his temper.  He's often threatening (GoF, the Veritaserum), will get upset 
when necessary (CoS, Harry and Ron in his office), but rarely ever gets 
angry enough to seem like he's going to snap (PoA, the Shrieking 
Shack).  He may keep himself deliberately reserved and quiet because he 
knows what sort of person he is deep inside.  The man was a Death Eater (we 
presume).  He's got some moral boundary set differently from the norm, and 
if he is afraid of what he'll do if he crosses it, he might very well keep 
himself in check to either prevent harming someone else or prevent 
self-incrimination.  (While not necessarily an advocate of the 
Monster!Snape theory, I have been known to dabble with the concept.)  A 
strong, ascetic individual afraid of himself and his past can and will go 
to great lengths to avoid confronting the beast within.


         Hmm.  Got a wee bit longer than intended.  Sorry about that, all; 
this is a subject on which I've done a great deal of analysis.  Needless to 
say, once OotP is released, I expect I shall have a great deal more to add, 
plus at least one major revision.

Sushi


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