TBAY- Grand Opening!New Establishment!

[B Arrowsmith]

No: HPFGUIDX 66428

Nice day, thought I'd take a stroll along the shore, see the famous 
TBAY. First time I've been down here; heard about it of course. Not 
what I expected. A few sturdy barques out on the ocean. Thought it 
would be much more  crowded and a bit more raucous. Bit messy too. 
Timbers strewn all along the beach, shipwrecked mariners begging for 
cooling, refreshing draughts of reviving potions - no, it's too late 
for those poor devils. Others gather in subdued clusters, swigging at 
memory modifiers, hoping one day to be able to forget the pain of 
disillusionment.

They need lights, entertainment, intrigue! A  diversion to put a spring 
in the step, to send the blood singing in their veins.

Let's see what we can cobble together. Rummage in the rubbish, a fact 
here, a theory there, connect with a couple of suppositions. Hmm, yes! 
it's taking shape! What we need now is....... What's this! A PVC 
basque! Collect those discarded thongs, quick!

Now we're in business. Well, almost. Need to  write the Mission 
Statement.

The frog turns into a Prince. Cliche. Overdone.
We'll use the other one - Plain Jane turns into Man-eater. Brilliant!

Right -  she's always been bright, hardworking, basically OK. Had some 
challenging dentition, but that got fixed, almost by accident. Bushy 
hair? Not a problem; think Tina Turner.

The Ball, that's where it all came together - taking a bit of extra 
effort; squeezing into the stiletto slingbacks, a dab of belladonna 
here, slap the mousse on there. And what happened? Only snagged the 
superstar of the broom-set, that's all. With lots and lots of wonder 
and amazement from the other boys and lots and lots of daggers from the 
girls. What fun!

Not much of a challenge, though. Doesn't need brains at all.

Wait a minute. The boys don't have a clue. About girls. Well, about 
anything, but particularly girls. So they need some-one to confide in; 
some-one who can offer help, advice, guidance when it comes to the 
hurly-burly of the chaise longue. Yes, now we're getting somewhere. The 
Mata Hari of Magic. The Salome of Spells. After all, giving advice can 
be quite entertaining and not necessarily selfless.

Victor on one string, Ron on another; Harry thinking brotherly 
thoughts. Little does he know. Neville- easy meat. Puppets all of them. 
They're so gullible!

Now, raise the illuminated sign over the door - not green; bad news. 
Red - much better. Switch on -

M.A.D.A.M. W.H.I.P.L.A.S.H.

Males Are Dim And Malleable. Wreaking Havoc In Pubescent Lads Attracts 
Scheming Hermione.

Kneasy, prop.