FILK: I Am The Hogwarts High Inquisitor (Trelawney's Inspection)

[Anne]

No: HPFGUIDX 69212

*pokes head into HPfGU*

Here's my first filk in a couple of months. I'm more into trying to 
write fan-fiction these days, but this filk-bunny wouldn't go away.



I Am The Hogwarts High Inquisitor (Trelawney's Inspection)

To the tune of "Behold The Lord High Executioner," by W.S. Gilbert 
and Sir Arthur Sullivan: 
http://www.broadwaymidi.com/opera/mikado.html
 

The scene: 
Madam Trelawney's tower. Dolores Umbridge arrives to inspect the 
fifth-year Gryffindor Divination class.

(overture, Umbridge enters, Trelawney and students glare)

UMBRIDGE:
I am the Hogwarts High Inquisitor
Here to ensure your class is really up to snuff.
I'll just sit down like I'm a visitor;
Oh, don't mind me, I'll watch and learn and write some stuff
HEM HEM, HEM HEM
I'm the Hogwarts High Inquisitor
HEM HEM, HEM HEM
Pledge allegiance to me, or the Ministry
Will boot you out on your kee-ee-ster


Tell me, Madam Trelawney,
How long have you taught at Hogwarts?

TRELAWNEY:
Sixteen years it soon will be.
(aside) Why must I be grilled by upstarts?

UMBRIDGE (smirking):
So, you have the Inner Eye? 
Please, then, make me a prediction.

TRELAWNEY (affronted):
Seers See not, if they try,
And their trances are not fiction!
Why must you interrogate?
I don't understand your diction.
My technique you do berate
This inspection's an affliction.

HARRY & RON (fretting):
Must the cow interrogate?
Force her to make a prediction?
Oh dear, we fear Trelawney
Will receive a malediction....

UMBRIDGE:
HEM HEM, HEM HEM,
I'm the Hogwarts High Inquisitor
HEM HEM, HEM HEM
So in ten days' time you'll discern if I'm
Going to pass you or toss out your keester.

TRELAWNEY (angrily):
You'd dare, you'd dare, you'd dare, you'd dare?

UMBRIDGE (gleefully):
I would, I would, I would, I would!

GRYFFINDORS: (fearfully):
She would! She would! She would! She would! 
No good! No good! No good!

UMBRIDGE (triumphantly):
HEM HEM,
I'm the Hogwarts High Inquis-
The High In-quis-i-tor!

(Umbridge struts out like a toady peacock. Trelawney breaks down. 
Gryffindors huddle morosely.)


***

Anne U
(back to lurking)