What you WON'T read in OoP

[Marie Jadewalker]

No: HPFGUIDX 61176


1. From Hagrid : " Now Harry, I'm supposed to tell you this 
secret....."
2. "Fawkes! Stop flicking your ash on the carpet!"
3. At the Dementors : "Now give auntie a nice big kiss!"
4. Snape : "Well done, Neville! 50 points to Gryffindor!"
5. Madame Malkin : "This year the mini is 'in'!".
6. Colin Creevely, pointing his camera : "Keep moving, please!"
7. Ollivander : " For the budget minded we have the PVC model with 
simulated grain."
8. " Neville! Can't you control Trevor? There's toadstools all over 
the place!"
9. Ron : " That won't work, Harry. According to the Theory of 
Indeterminancy...."
10. Dumbledore : " Harry, what I have to tell you is...Arrrgggghhhh!" 
Body hits floor. 
11. Ron: "I read in "Hogwarts' a History.........."
12. Hermione: "Well it hardly matters if we miss just one lesson.."
13. Snape: "Thankyou." to any Gryffindor you please
14. Moody: "I was just taking a little relaxation break."
15. Arthur Weasley: "Its just some *ordinary* muggle thing."
16. MacGonagall to Moody: "Really, relaxation well that was just the 
thing on my own mind today."
17: Neville: "Harry, why do you always forget your passwords?"
18: Hermione: "Maybe he apparated into Hogwarts?"
19: Petunia: "Do you want to invite your friends to spend the summer 
with us, Harry?"
20: Snape to Sirius: Don't worry about it; I forgive you.
21: Sirius to Snape: I've always liked your hair.
22: Draco to Harry: I can't help it. I love you.
23: Lucius Malfoy: One mustn't take this pure-blood stuff too far.
24: Lily Potter to Harry: You're adopted.
25. Draco asks Harry to sit with him at the Great Hall for kidney 
and beef pie.
26. Crabbe and Goyle refuses dinner in order to study.
27. The Fat Lady goes on a diet.
28. Peeves asks Moaning Myrtle for her hand in marriage.
29. Prof. Trelawney: "It's just a lump of tea leaves"
30. Crabbe and Goyle: "This feast food is just way too fattening"
31. Prof. Snape: "I think I'll lay out in the sun for a bit....I 
could use a tan"
32. Uncle Vernon: "Harry, you're an absolute rail. Petunia, fix 
Harry a nice big steak dinner."
33. Uncle Vernon: "Pleasure to see you again Mr. Weasley. You must 
come see my new mechanical tie rack."
34. Voldemort (dressed in drag): "Hi everyone. I'm your new DADA 
teacher."
35. Hermione: "Arithmancy is such rubbish. I should have stayed in 
Divination."
36. Any Trio member: "I guess they'll have to call us the 
'Threesome' now."
37. Wormtail: "M-master? C-could I have a different hand, please? 
This one clashes with my robes."
38. Dumbledore (to Voldemort): "Tom... I am your father. *heavy 
breathing*"
39. "Is it just me, or are those... highlights... in Professor 
Snape's hair?"
40. Fred (or George): "Geez... go away, Percy! I've got to finish 
this report on cauldron bottom thickness before tomorrow!"
41. "And our next model for Madam Malkin's House of Style, the 
lovely Severus Snape, is wearing..."
42. Cedric: "What worms? I don't see any worms."
43. "My Lord?" "What, Lucius?" "My Lord, some of the lads and I got 
together and, um, we got you a present. Just something we chipped in 
for to... to show our appreciation." "Well... I... I don't really 
know what to say, Lucius. I'm... touched." "*hands over package* 
It's a clock, sir. And we've got you this watch as well, Lord, and 
Goyle, here, baked you a cake..." (yeah, yeah - bad Python takeoffs 
are my specialty)
44. "You know, Potter, this Dark Lord business is all well and good, 
but all I've ever really wanted is a kitten of my very own." (from 
Sushi, who will stop before she gets to Dumbledore saying, "THIS is 
an EX-DIGGORY")
45. Dobby: Join me in the boycott against clothes! Wheeeee! *runs 
around naked* Down with socks!!! 
46. Dobby/Ginny/Colin: I hate Harry Potter. Down with scar boy! 
47. Hagrid: Eep! I'm not going to get near that thing...it looks 
dangerous! 
48. Voldemort: Harry...it is time you knew the truth....Dumbledore 
never told you what happened to your father Harry: He told me 
enough! He told me you killed him! Voldemort: No. *I* am your 
father! 
49. Dudley: "Please pass the broccoli."
50. Hermione (whisper): "Neville, do I add the diced toadstools 
before or after taking the cauldron off the fire?"
51. Ron: "Harry, I'm glad I don't have to deal with managing a huge 
vault of gold like you."
52. Harry: "I hate Quidditch!"
53. Lee Jordan: "After that revolting bit of cheating by the 
Gryffindors on the Slytherin keeper..."
54. Gred and Forge: "We've given up on the joke shop idea to open a 
cauldron factory. Percy's owling over the requirements."
55. Percy: "I am *so* into the Wierd Sisters! When's the next 
concert?"
56. Arthur: "Lucius, I *love* what you've done with your hair!"
57. Petunia: "I'd really rather not know what the neighbors are 
doing."
58. Vernon: "So Harry, tell me all about Hogwarts."
59. Molly: "Good grief, Harry, must you *always* spend so much time 
here?"
60. Cornelius: "Albus, I was thinking that you were right about Vol-
You Know Who being back."
61. Amos Diggory: "My Ced couldn't hold a candle to Harry Potter 
when it comes to flying."
62. Hagrid: "Great man, Voldemort, great man..."
63. Viktor: "I'd like to thank 'Witch Weekly' for presenting me with 
their Most Charming Smile award..."
64. Ludo: "I'd prefer not to capitalize on my fame as a top-notch 
Beater."
65. Dobby: "Come to think of it, I'd rather be back with the 
Malfoys."
66. Winky: "Winky wants paying!"
67. (Any centaur): "Why yes, Harry, the stars say you will die a 
hero's death on May 14, 1999, through an Avada Kedavra curse 
performed by Lucius Malfoy at the dying request of Tom Riddle aka 
Voldemort in the graveyard at Little Hangleton after you kill him 
following his murder of Albus Dumbledore on May 3, 1999."
68. Trelawney: "I'm really not very good at this Divination stuff."
69. McGonagall: "I really wish I possessed the Eye like Sibyll."
70. Snape: "Five points from Slytherin for your attitude, Malfoy."
71. Fred and George: "Make way for the heir of Gryffindor, seriously 
mundane offspring coming through."
72. Dumbledore: "No Harry, the Dursley's cannot keep you safe this 
Summer. But I have found a distant uncle who is happy to look after 
you. His name is Count Olaf."
73: Bobby Ewing: "So Harry, Hogwarts, and the whole Wizarding world 
was just a dream?"
74. Harry: "Sure Malfoy, you can have my Invisibility Cloak"
75. Draco: "I caught the snitch!"
76. Ron: "Hermione, I want to be president of S.P.E.W."
77. Dobby: "Harry Potter is a bad, BAD wizard!"
78. Hagrid: "No, I'm no so much into dragons anymore... I'm looking 
for a nice little fluffy bunny rabbit"
79. Snape: "Harry, can I have your autograph?"
80. Dudley: "Hey Harry, you got anymore of those magical toffees?"
81. Rita Skeeter: "I've thrown away my Quick Quotes Quill"
82. Dumbledore: "You know, I'm thinking it would be much easier to 
just go ahead and join Voldemort... I'm getting too old for this"
83. Fred & George: "Percy told us the BEST joke the other day!"
84. Sirius: "You know, I've been missing Azkaban lately..."
85. Voldemort: "Wormtail? No, I just keep him around to lend a hand 
occasionally."
86. Lupin: "I've been moonlighting as a guard dog."
87. Prof Sprout : " Found thish weed (puff) growing by the (puff) 
broomshedsh. Weee!"
88. Wormtail: "The cheapskate! It's not even hallmarked!"
89. The Wizarding World - where a green light means stop.
90. Sign in Flourish and Blotts "We accept no responsibility for 
your spelling mistakes."
91. The sorting hat : "Gryffindore! But I wouldn't start any long 
books, if I were you."
92. Trelawney: "Ah, Harry! You have a bright future in store!"
93. Skeeter: "In light of the newly-emerged evidence, it is my duty 
to print the following retraction..."
94. Snape: "50 points from Slytherin!"
95. Fleur: (To Ron) "I want your body, big boy!"
96. Harry: "Oh Auntie Petunia! There's no place like home!"
97. Scholastic & Bloomsbury: "Any part of this book may be 
reproduced in any form by any electronic or mechanical means and 
disseminated on the internet without permission of the publisher. 
Adult themed fiction using the characters from this publication is 
encouraged by the author."
98. Snape: "I vant to drrrink your blood."
99. Dumbledore: "Yes Harry, I knew everything. I am the alpha and 
the omega; I carefully planned and executed all that has happened to 
you; I am Ron and I am Crookshanks; I am old and I am young; I am 
Lord Voldemort and I am Arabella Figg; I am your father and I am 
your grandfather."
100. JKR in postscript: "In order to spend more time with my family 
I will not be writing any further books."
101. Hermione: "**** it, let's party"
102. Snape: "You are right, I never wanted to be the Hogwart's 
Potions Master. I wanted to be a lumberjack."
103. Lily or James: "Surprise!"
104. Hermione: "I just love fixing my hair!"
105. Harry: "My hair never sticks out."
106. Harry'-"Draco...Will you please be my friend?".
107. Draco: Ron can I borrow a Galleon from you?-".
108. Everyone "Oh Ron your school uniform is so nice"
109. Harry "Dobby, I just love what you have done, with your odd 
socks..The glitter really makes them stand out more."
110. Snape "Harry I am your father-".
111. Dudley "Harry, do you want my roast dinner? while I have your 
cheese and dry bread?"
112. Uncle Vernon-"We are taking Harry out Dudley, to buy him some 
new clothes."
113. Lucius-"I feel I must appologise Arthur, my bahaviour to you 
over the years has been unforgivable...Please forgive me."
114. McGonagall "Harry has been injured, so he will not be playing 
in the quidditch tornament this year...Gryffindors new seeker will 
be.....Neville Longbottom."
115. Harry: "It's okay Peter. Everyone makes mistakes."
116. Any Gryffindor: "Double Potions with the Slytherins? Oh boy!"
117. Dudley: "I don't need all this stuff. You take it, Harry."
118. Dobby: "Lucius, I've been thinking...I kinda miss what we had."
119. Winkey: " I'm Freeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"
120. Fred and George to Percy: "We were thinking of applying for a 
summer internship in your office. Be a sport and put in a good word 
for us."
121. Harry: Hermione! Ron! I've done it! I've killed Lord Voldemort! 
Voldemort: No you haven't. Harry: What? I mortally wounded you just 
a moment ago. Voldemort: It's just a flesh wound. Harry: Your arm's 
off! Voldemort: Hey. Wormtail made it alright. Why can't I?
122. Lucius: NOBODY expects the Death Eaters! Our chief weapon is 
surprise...surprise and fear...fear and surprise.... Our two weapons 
are fear and surprise...and ruthless efficiency.... Our *three* 
weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency...and an almost 
fanatical devotion to Lord Voldemort.... Our *four*...no... 
*Amongst* our weapons.... Amongst our weaponry...are such elements 
as fear, surprise.... I'll come in again.
123. Dumbledore: "And that is why your sister remains safely 
anonymous." Harry: "Hermione! Hermione is my sister."
......
Harry: "I have it. My father has it. And my **sister** has it." 
Hermione: "I know. Somehow, I've always known."
...
Hermione to Ron: "I can't tell you!" Ron: "But you could tell 
Harry?!!" Hermione: "Hold me."
124.. Dumbledore : "For 800 years I have trained wizards. My own 
counsel I will keep on who is to be trained." 
125. Voldemort grasping hungrily for Harry's wand: "My 
precioussssss. Wicked wizard! It's ours! We wantssss it."
126. Harry: "Where's my Firebolt? I really need to sweep the 
dormitory."
127. Crabbe and Goyle: "We need to go to the library to understand 
the theory behind cross-species transfiguration."
128. Neville: "Don't say that about Snape! He's my favorite teacher!"
129. Hermione: "We have a test TODAY! I haven't studied for it!"
130. Malfoy: "House elves get a raw deal."
131. "And here we have our newest model for Sleekeazy's Hair Potion: 
Rubeus Hagrid. See how sleek and smooth his hair is, pulled back in 
a low-pony tail?"
132. Ron: "Veela aren't all that attractive."
133. Filch, to Fred and George: "Don't worry about setting off that 
dung bomb. It was really quite funny. I'll just clean it up with my 
wand."
134. Aunt Petunia: "Stop teasing Harry, Dudley. Now go to your room 
and stay there, you great big lump."
135. Madam Pomfrey: "Have you tried putting some aloe vera on that 
scar?"
136. Voldemort: "No pain, no gain."
137. Narcissa Malfoy: "My brother! My son! My brother! My son! My... 
Oh, so now you get it."
138. Ron: "Sometimes a broken wand is just a broken wand."
139. Snape to Dumbledore: "Are you on crack?"
140. McGonnegal: "Let me slip into something more comfortable."
141. Voldemort: "Boo!"
142. Dobby: "Fuck."
143. Harry to Voldemort: "I'm your what?"
144. Draco to Harry: "You're my what?"
145. Draco: "I'm just an inbred hemopheliac."
146. Hagrid: "Harry - yer a bastard."
147. Dumbledore singing to McGonnegal the Magnetic Field's "Let's 
Pretend We're Bunny Rabbits"
148. Dobby singing to Winky the Magnetic Field's "Let's Pretend 
We're Bunny Rabbits"
149. Any character singing "Let's Pretend We're Bunny Rabbits"
150. Hermione wearing a t-shirt that says: "Mudbloods like it dirty."
151. Voldemort: "Really we're not so bad. I mean, yeah, Death-Eaters 
sounds wicked, but that's why we chose it. Would you call your gang 
the Daisy-Eaters? No. Not cool, ya know?"
152. Voldemort: "Dear Harry, as part of my twelve-step program..."
153. Snape: "Linux is sooo much better than Windows."
154. Voldemort: "Bill Gates. Now there's a guy I identify with."
155. Dobby: "We're not going to thank anyone, not you, not MTV, and 
not those pixel pushing pin-dicks at ILM. And Jo Rowling, my 
precious? Who do you think you are you fucking hack? Shame on you! 
Shame on you!!!" (Special nod to the Gollum MTV acceptance speech 
and the pixel-pushing pin-dicks at WETA Digital)
156. Pettigrew: "Stuff it up yer bum, Slit-nose."
157. Remus lay on the ground, bleeding. It looked bad. He was 
groaning, "Please, don't let me die, not yet, I have to protect 
Harry." Sirius leaned over him, "Hang in there, Moony." Suddenly, 
Remus grabbed his nose and cackled, "Hah, tricked you!"
158. Voldemort was broke. He needed money to finance his scheme for 
World Domination. And he knew just how to get it. He opened a new e-
mail and typed, "My father, who died in tragic circumstances, was an 
official for the Nigerian government..."
159. Dumbledore to Voldemort: "Don't get snippy with me."
160. Fudge: "People misunderestimate me."
161. Voldemort singing "I did it my wayyyyeee"
162. The Sorting Hat: "The cat ate me. Get it? The Hat in the Cat? 
Damn, I crack me up sometimes."
163. Ron: "Harry take a toke. Harry: "Damn, this is good shit."
164. Hermione: "I don't know why, but, well, I kind of *like* 
Eminem."
165. Jo Rowling: "You're 38 years old and you're wearing a Harry 
Potter costume? For God's sake, get a life."
166. Neville to Draco: "Suffer, Ferret-boy."
167. Hermione: Oh, Draco, you make me feel like a real woman!
168. Crabbe (or Goyle): No thanks, I'm full.
169. Ron: Fleur's looks are really overrated, you know.
170. Aunt Petunia: Welcome Home Harry! You know, having you is 
almost like having my dear sister back with us!
171. "Ni!"
172. Death Eater: "I've had it trying to be Lord Voldemort. I'm going 
to work for someone truly evil: Martha Stewart!"
173. Harry: "Uncle Vernon - did you know that if you go all the way 
to the back of the cupboard under the stairs, there's no wall and it 
turns 
into a winter wonderland?"
174. Hermione: "Harry, I thought I was through having crushes on 
teachers after Lockhart but I'm finding myself more and more 
attracted 
to Professor Snape."
175. Neville: "I've had it with you picking on me and my toad, 
Professor 
Snape! I'm getting Buffy the Vampire Slayer to kick your ass!"
176. Harry: "Ron, you're my best friend and all, but I think I want 
to dye 
my hair blond because I really want to be more like Draco."
177. "Class, from this day on, don't call me Professor MacGonagall. 
Call me Minnie!"
178. Dudley: "Harry, I'm so glad you're my cousin. Will you teach me 
some magic?"
179. Ron: "Aw, who's the nice puddy tat? Look at how Mrs. Norris 
loves 
it when I scratch behind her ears. She's purring so loud!"

180. McGonagall: (singing) "I want to **** you like an animal" by NIN
181. Fred: "George, did you here?  I got us those deputy positions 
under Filch, just like we've always dreamed!" 
182. Dudley: "I'd like to know what it's like to live in a cupboard.  
Why does Harry always get everything?"
183. Hermione: "Pansy's just invited me to a slumber party!  What 
should I wear?" 
184. Trelawney: "I think I need to redecorate.  Severus, Minerva, how 
would you like to Trade Spaces with me?" 
185. Norbert: "Mummy!"
186. Harry: "Thanks, Professor Snape."
187. Ron: "Voldemort"