What you WON'T read in OoP

[jgabriel66]

No: HPFGUIDX 61183

--- In HPforGrownups at yahoogroups.com, "Marie Jadewalker" 
<marie_mouse at h...> wrote:
> 
> 1. From Hagrid : " Now Harry, I'm supposed to tell you this 
> secret....."
> 2. "Fawkes! Stop flicking your ash on the carpet!"
> 3. At the Dementors : "Now give auntie a nice big kiss!"
> 4. Snape : "Well done, Neville! 50 points to Gryffindor!"
> 5. Madame Malkin : "This year the mini is 'in'!".
> 6. Colin Creevely, pointing his camera : "Keep moving, please!"
> 7. Ollivander : " For the budget minded we have the PVC model with 
> simulated grain."
> 8. " Neville! Can't you control Trevor? There's toadstools all 
over 
> the place!"
> 9. Ron : " That won't work, Harry. According to the Theory of 
> Indeterminancy...."
> 10. Dumbledore : " Harry, what I have to tell you 
is...Arrrgggghhhh!" 
> Body hits floor. 
> 11. Ron: "I read in "Hogwarts' a History.........."
> 12. Hermione: "Well it hardly matters if we miss just one lesson.."
> 13. Snape: "Thankyou." to any Gryffindor you please
> 14. Moody: "I was just taking a little relaxation break."
> 15. Arthur Weasley: "Its just some *ordinary* muggle thing."
> 16. MacGonagall to Moody: "Really, relaxation well that was just 
the 
> thing on my own mind today."
> 17: Neville: "Harry, why do you always forget your passwords?"
> 18: Hermione: "Maybe he apparated into Hogwarts?"
> 19: Petunia: "Do you want to invite your friends to spend the 
summer 
> with us, Harry?"
> 20: Snape to Sirius: Don't worry about it; I forgive you.
> 21: Sirius to Snape: I've always liked your hair.
> 22: Draco to Harry: I can't help it. I love you.
> 23: Lucius Malfoy: One mustn't take this pure-blood stuff too far.
> 24: Lily Potter to Harry: You're adopted.
> 25. Draco asks Harry to sit with him at the Great Hall for kidney 
> and beef pie.
> 26. Crabbe and Goyle refuses dinner in order to study.
> 27. The Fat Lady goes on a diet.
> 28. Peeves asks Moaning Myrtle for her hand in marriage.
> 29. Prof. Trelawney: "It's just a lump of tea leaves"
> 30. Crabbe and Goyle: "This feast food is just way too fattening"
> 31. Prof. Snape: "I think I'll lay out in the sun for a bit....I 
> could use a tan"
> 32. Uncle Vernon: "Harry, you're an absolute rail. Petunia, fix 
> Harry a nice big steak dinner."
> 33. Uncle Vernon: "Pleasure to see you again Mr. Weasley. You must 
> come see my new mechanical tie rack."
> 34. Voldemort (dressed in drag): "Hi everyone. I'm your new DADA 
> teacher."
> 35. Hermione: "Arithmancy is such rubbish. I should have stayed in 
> Divination."
> 36. Any Trio member: "I guess they'll have to call us the 
> 'Threesome' now."
> 37. Wormtail: "M-master? C-could I have a different hand, please? 
> This one clashes with my robes."
> 38. Dumbledore (to Voldemort): "Tom... I am your father. *heavy 
> breathing*"
> 39. "Is it just me, or are those... highlights... in Professor 
> Snape's hair?"
> 40. Fred (or George): "Geez... go away, Percy! I've got to finish 
> this report on cauldron bottom thickness before tomorrow!"
> 41. "And our next model for Madam Malkin's House of Style, the 
> lovely Severus Snape, is wearing..."
> 42. Cedric: "What worms? I don't see any worms."
> 43. "My Lord?" "What, Lucius?" "My Lord, some of the lads and I 
got 
> together and, um, we got you a present. Just something we chipped 
in 
> for to... to show our appreciation." "Well... I... I don't really 
> know what to say, Lucius. I'm... touched." "*hands over package* 
> It's a clock, sir. And we've got you this watch as well, Lord, and 
> Goyle, here, baked you a cake..." (yeah, yeah - bad Python 
takeoffs 
> are my specialty)
> 44. "You know, Potter, this Dark Lord business is all well and 
good, 
> but all I've ever really wanted is a kitten of my very own." (from 
> Sushi, who will stop before she gets to Dumbledore saying, "THIS 
is 
> an EX-DIGGORY")
> 45. Dobby: Join me in the boycott against clothes! Wheeeee! *runs 
> around naked* Down with socks!!! 
> 46. Dobby/Ginny/Colin: I hate Harry Potter. Down with scar boy! 
> 47. Hagrid: Eep! I'm not going to get near that thing...it looks 
> dangerous! 
> 48. Voldemort: Harry...it is time you knew the truth....Dumbledore 
> never told you what happened to your father Harry: He told me 
> enough! He told me you killed him! Voldemort: No. *I* am your 
> father! 
> 49. Dudley: "Please pass the broccoli."
> 50. Hermione (whisper): "Neville, do I add the diced toadstools 
> before or after taking the cauldron off the fire?"
> 51. Ron: "Harry, I'm glad I don't have to deal with managing a 
huge 
> vault of gold like you."
> 52. Harry: "I hate Quidditch!"
> 53. Lee Jordan: "After that revolting bit of cheating by the 
> Gryffindors on the Slytherin keeper..."
> 54. Gred and Forge: "We've given up on the joke shop idea to open 
a 
> cauldron factory. Percy's owling over the requirements."
> 55. Percy: "I am *so* into the Wierd Sisters! When's the next 
> concert?"
> 56. Arthur: "Lucius, I *love* what you've done with your hair!"
> 57. Petunia: "I'd really rather not know what the neighbors are 
> doing."
> 58. Vernon: "So Harry, tell me all about Hogwarts."
> 59. Molly: "Good grief, Harry, must you *always* spend so much 
time 
> here?"
> 60. Cornelius: "Albus, I was thinking that you were right about 
Vol-
> You Know Who being back."
> 61. Amos Diggory: "My Ced couldn't hold a candle to Harry Potter 
> when it comes to flying."
> 62. Hagrid: "Great man, Voldemort, great man..."
> 63. Viktor: "I'd like to thank 'Witch Weekly' for presenting me 
with 
> their Most Charming Smile award..."
> 64. Ludo: "I'd prefer not to capitalize on my fame as a top-notch 
> Beater."
> 65. Dobby: "Come to think of it, I'd rather be back with the 
> Malfoys."
> 66. Winky: "Winky wants paying!"
> 67. (Any centaur): "Why yes, Harry, the stars say you will die a 
> hero's death on May 14, 1999, through an Avada Kedavra curse 
> performed by Lucius Malfoy at the dying request of Tom Riddle aka 
> Voldemort in the graveyard at Little Hangleton after you kill him 
> following his murder of Albus Dumbledore on May 3, 1999."
> 68. Trelawney: "I'm really not very good at this Divination stuff."
> 69. McGonagall: "I really wish I possessed the Eye like Sibyll."
> 70. Snape: "Five points from Slytherin for your attitude, Malfoy."
> 71. Fred and George: "Make way for the heir of Gryffindor, 
seriously 
> mundane offspring coming through."
> 72. Dumbledore: "No Harry, the Dursley's cannot keep you safe this 
> Summer. But I have found a distant uncle who is happy to look 
after 
> you. His name is Count Olaf."
> 73: Bobby Ewing: "So Harry, Hogwarts, and the whole Wizarding 
world 
> was just a dream?"
> 74. Harry: "Sure Malfoy, you can have my Invisibility Cloak"
> 75. Draco: "I caught the snitch!"
> 76. Ron: "Hermione, I want to be president of S.P.E.W."
> 77. Dobby: "Harry Potter is a bad, BAD wizard!"
> 78. Hagrid: "No, I'm no so much into dragons anymore... I'm 
looking 
> for a nice little fluffy bunny rabbit"
> 79. Snape: "Harry, can I have your autograph?"
> 80. Dudley: "Hey Harry, you got anymore of those magical toffees?"
> 81. Rita Skeeter: "I've thrown away my Quick Quotes Quill"
> 82. Dumbledore: "You know, I'm thinking it would be much easier to 
> just go ahead and join Voldemort... I'm getting too old for this"
> 83. Fred & George: "Percy told us the BEST joke the other day!"
> 84. Sirius: "You know, I've been missing Azkaban lately..."
> 85. Voldemort: "Wormtail? No, I just keep him around to lend a 
hand 
> occasionally."
> 86. Lupin: "I've been moonlighting as a guard dog."
> 87. Prof Sprout : " Found thish weed (puff) growing by the (puff) 
> broomshedsh. Weee!"
> 88. Wormtail: "The cheapskate! It's not even hallmarked!"
> 89. The Wizarding World - where a green light means stop.
> 90. Sign in Flourish and Blotts "We accept no responsibility for 
> your spelling mistakes."
> 91. The sorting hat : "Gryffindore! But I wouldn't start any long 
> books, if I were you."
> 92. Trelawney: "Ah, Harry! You have a bright future in store!"
> 93. Skeeter: "In light of the newly-emerged evidence, it is my 
duty 
> to print the following retraction..."
> 94. Snape: "50 points from Slytherin!"
> 95. Fleur: (To Ron) "I want your body, big boy!"
> 96. Harry: "Oh Auntie Petunia! There's no place like home!"
> 97. Scholastic & Bloomsbury: "Any part of this book may be 
> reproduced in any form by any electronic or mechanical means and 
> disseminated on the internet without permission of the publisher. 
> Adult themed fiction using the characters from this publication is 
> encouraged by the author."
> 98. Snape: "I vant to drrrink your blood."
> 99. Dumbledore: "Yes Harry, I knew everything. I am the alpha and 
> the omega; I carefully planned and executed all that has happened 
to 
> you; I am Ron and I am Crookshanks; I am old and I am young; I am 
> Lord Voldemort and I am Arabella Figg; I am your father and I am 
> your grandfather."
> 100. JKR in postscript: "In order to spend more time with my 
family 
> I will not be writing any further books."
> 101. Hermione: "**** it, let's party"
> 102. Snape: "You are right, I never wanted to be the Hogwart's 
> Potions Master. I wanted to be a lumberjack."
> 103. Lily or James: "Surprise!"
> 104. Hermione: "I just love fixing my hair!"
> 105. Harry: "My hair never sticks out."
> 106. Harry'-"Draco...Will you please be my friend?".
> 107. Draco: Ron can I borrow a Galleon from you?-".
> 108. Everyone "Oh Ron your school uniform is so nice"
> 109. Harry "Dobby, I just love what you have done, with your odd 
> socks..The glitter really makes them stand out more."
> 110. Snape "Harry I am your father-".
> 111. Dudley "Harry, do you want my roast dinner? while I have your 
> cheese and dry bread?"
> 112. Uncle Vernon-"We are taking Harry out Dudley, to buy him some 
> new clothes."
> 113. Lucius-"I feel I must appologise Arthur, my bahaviour to you 
> over the years has been unforgivable...Please forgive me."
> 114. McGonagall "Harry has been injured, so he will not be playing 
> in the quidditch tornament this year...Gryffindors new seeker will 
> be.....Neville Longbottom."
> 115. Harry: "It's okay Peter. Everyone makes mistakes."
> 116. Any Gryffindor: "Double Potions with the Slytherins? Oh boy!"
> 117. Dudley: "I don't need all this stuff. You take it, Harry."
> 118. Dobby: "Lucius, I've been thinking...I kinda miss what we 
had."
> 119. Winkey: " I'm Freeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"
> 120. Fred and George to Percy: "We were thinking of applying for a 
> summer internship in your office. Be a sport and put in a good 
word 
> for us."
> 121. Harry: Hermione! Ron! I've done it! I've killed Lord 
Voldemort! 
> Voldemort: No you haven't. Harry: What? I mortally wounded you 
just 
> a moment ago. Voldemort: It's just a flesh wound. Harry: Your 
arm's 
> off! Voldemort: Hey. Wormtail made it alright. Why can't I?
> 122. Lucius: NOBODY expects the Death Eaters! Our chief weapon is 
> surprise...surprise and fear...fear and surprise.... Our two 
weapons 
> are fear and surprise...and ruthless efficiency.... Our *three* 
> weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency...and an 
almost 
> fanatical devotion to Lord Voldemort.... Our *four*...no... 
> *Amongst* our weapons.... Amongst our weaponry...are such elements 
> as fear, surprise.... I'll come in again.
> 123. Dumbledore: "And that is why your sister remains safely 
> anonymous." Harry: "Hermione! Hermione is my sister."
> ......
> Harry: "I have it. My father has it. And my **sister** has it." 
> Hermione: "I know. Somehow, I've always known."
> ...
> Hermione to Ron: "I can't tell you!" Ron: "But you could tell 
> Harry?!!" Hermione: "Hold me."
> 124.. Dumbledore : "For 800 years I have trained wizards. My own 
> counsel I will keep on who is to be trained." 
> 125. Voldemort grasping hungrily for Harry's wand: "My 
> precioussssss. Wicked wizard! It's ours! We wantssss it."
> 126. Harry: "Where's my Firebolt? I really need to sweep the 
> dormitory."
> 127. Crabbe and Goyle: "We need to go to the library to understand 
> the theory behind cross-species transfiguration."
> 128. Neville: "Don't say that about Snape! He's my favorite 
teacher!"
> 129. Hermione: "We have a test TODAY! I haven't studied for it!"
> 130. Malfoy: "House elves get a raw deal."
> 131. "And here we have our newest model for Sleekeazy's Hair 
Potion: 
> Rubeus Hagrid. See how sleek and smooth his hair is, pulled back 
in 
> a low-pony tail?"
> 132. Ron: "Veela aren't all that attractive."
> 133. Filch, to Fred and George: "Don't worry about setting off 
that 
> dung bomb. It was really quite funny. I'll just clean it up with 
my 
> wand."
> 134. Aunt Petunia: "Stop teasing Harry, Dudley. Now go to your 
room 
> and stay there, you great big lump."
> 135. Madam Pomfrey: "Have you tried putting some aloe vera on that 
> scar?"
> 136. Voldemort: "No pain, no gain."
> 137. Narcissa Malfoy: "My brother! My son! My brother! My son! 
My... 
> Oh, so now you get it."
> 138. Ron: "Sometimes a broken wand is just a broken wand."
> 139. Snape to Dumbledore: "Are you on crack?"
> 140. McGonnegal: "Let me slip into something more comfortable."
> 141. Voldemort: "Boo!"
> 142. Dobby: "Fuck."
> 143. Harry to Voldemort: "I'm your what?"
> 144. Draco to Harry: "You're my what?"
> 145. Draco: "I'm just an inbred hemopheliac."
> 146. Hagrid: "Harry - yer a bastard."
> 147. Dumbledore singing to McGonnegal the Magnetic Field's "Let's 
> Pretend We're Bunny Rabbits"
> 148. Dobby singing to Winky the Magnetic Field's "Let's Pretend 
> We're Bunny Rabbits"
> 149. Any character singing "Let's Pretend We're Bunny Rabbits"
> 150. Hermione wearing a t-shirt that says: "Mudbloods like it 
dirty."
> 151. Voldemort: "Really we're not so bad. I mean, yeah, Death-
Eaters 
> sounds wicked, but that's why we chose it. Would you call your 
gang 
> the Daisy-Eaters? No. Not cool, ya know?"
> 152. Voldemort: "Dear Harry, as part of my twelve-step program..."
> 153. Snape: "Linux is sooo much better than Windows."
> 154. Voldemort: "Bill Gates. Now there's a guy I identify with."
> 155. Dobby: "We're not going to thank anyone, not you, not MTV, 
and 
> not those pixel pushing pin-dicks at ILM. And Jo Rowling, my 
> precious? Who do you think you are you fucking hack? Shame on you! 
> Shame on you!!!" (Special nod to the Gollum MTV acceptance speech 
> and the pixel-pushing pin-dicks at WETA Digital)
> 156. Pettigrew: "Stuff it up yer bum, Slit-nose."
> 157. Remus lay on the ground, bleeding. It looked bad. He was 
> groaning, "Please, don't let me die, not yet, I have to protect 
> Harry." Sirius leaned over him, "Hang in there, Moony." Suddenly, 
> Remus grabbed his nose and cackled, "Hah, tricked you!"
> 158. Voldemort was broke. He needed money to finance his scheme 
for 
> World Domination. And he knew just how to get it. He opened a new 
e-
> mail and typed, "My father, who died in tragic circumstances, was 
an 
> official for the Nigerian government..."
> 159. Dumbledore to Voldemort: "Don't get snippy with me."
> 160. Fudge: "People misunderestimate me."
> 161. Voldemort singing "I did it my wayyyyeee"
> 162. The Sorting Hat: "The cat ate me. Get it? The Hat in the Cat? 
> Damn, I crack me up sometimes."
> 163. Ron: "Harry take a toke. Harry: "Damn, this is good shit."
> 164. Hermione: "I don't know why, but, well, I kind of *like* 
> Eminem."
> 165. Jo Rowling: "You're 38 years old and you're wearing a Harry 
> Potter costume? For God's sake, get a life."
> 166. Neville to Draco: "Suffer, Ferret-boy."
> 167. Hermione: Oh, Draco, you make me feel like a real woman!
> 168. Crabbe (or Goyle): No thanks, I'm full.
> 169. Ron: Fleur's looks are really overrated, you know.
> 170. Aunt Petunia: Welcome Home Harry! You know, having you is 
> almost like having my dear sister back with us!
> 171. "Ni!"
> 172. Death Eater: "I've had it trying to be Lord Voldemort. I'm 
going 
> to work for someone truly evil: Martha Stewart!"
> 173. Harry: "Uncle Vernon - did you know that if you go all the 
way 
> to the back of the cupboard under the stairs, there's no wall and 
it 
> turns 
> into a winter wonderland?"
> 174. Hermione: "Harry, I thought I was through having crushes on 
> teachers after Lockhart but I'm finding myself more and more 
> attracted 
> to Professor Snape."
> 175. Neville: "I've had it with you picking on me and my toad, 
> Professor 
> Snape! I'm getting Buffy the Vampire Slayer to kick your ass!"
> 176. Harry: "Ron, you're my best friend and all, but I think I 
want 
> to dye 
> my hair blond because I really want to be more like Draco."
> 177. "Class, from this day on, don't call me Professor 
MacGonagall. 
> Call me Minnie!"
> 178. Dudley: "Harry, I'm so glad you're my cousin. Will you teach 
me 
> some magic?"
> 179. Ron: "Aw, who's the nice puddy tat? Look at how Mrs. Norris 
> loves 
> it when I scratch behind her ears. She's purring so loud!"
> 
> 180. McGonagall: (singing) "I want to **** you like an animal" by 
NIN
> 181. Fred: "George, did you here?  I got us those deputy positions 
> under Filch, just like we've always dreamed!" 
> 182. Dudley: "I'd like to know what it's like to live in a 
cupboard.  
> Why does Harry always get everything?"
> 183. Hermione: "Pansy's just invited me to a slumber party!  What 
> should I wear?" 
> 184. Trelawney: "I think I need to redecorate.  Severus, Minerva, 
how 
> would you like to Trade Spaces with me?" 
> 185. Norbert: "Mummy!"
> 186. Harry: "Thanks, Professor Snape."
> 187. Ron: "Voldemort"


Most of these are too long for the list, so I'll just post them 
rather than add them to it:

Fred to George (or vice versa): "You know, I don't really think 
Angelina would notice any difference..."


Voldemort believed in the green light, the orgiastic future that 
year by year recedes before us. It eluded us then, but that's no 
matter -- tomorrow we will run faster, stretch out our arms 
farther.... And one fine morning ----

So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly 
into the past. (apologies to Fitzgerald)


...and Gibraltar as a girl where I was a Flower of the Court yes 
when I put the rose in my silver hair like the Andalusian girls used 
or shall I wear a red yes and how he kissed me under the Beauxbaton 
wall and I thought well as well Ron as another and then I asked him 
with my eyes to ask again yes and then he asked me would I yes to 
say yes my court flower and first I put my arms around him yes and 
drew him down to me so he could feel my breasts all perfume yes and 
his heart was going like mad and yes I said yes I will Yes. 
(apologies to Joyce)


To His Coy Prey

Had we but world enough and time
This coyness Harry were no crime
We would sit down, and think which way
To blow your existence away
Thou by the Mudblood Granger's side
Shouldst haven find; I by the tide
Of Anger would complain. I would
Chase you ten years to spill your blood
And you should, if you please refuse
Till Crookshanks meets Wormtail and mews.
My evil dominion should grow
Vaster than empires, and more slow.
A hundred years should go to braise
Thine scar that on thy forehead blaze;
Two hundred to torture each breast,
But thirty thousand to the rest;
An age at least to every part,
At the last age, I shall eat your heart.
For, Harry, you deserve this state
Nor would I hate at lower rate

But at my back I always hear
Time's winged chariot hurrying near;
And yonder all before us lie
Deserts of vast eternity.
Then thy power shall no more be found
Nor, in thy burial mound, shall sound
My echoing song; then worms shall try
That long-preserved saguinity
And thy quaint courage turn to dust
And into ashes all thy gust
The grave's a fine and private place
And there your death I shall embrace.

Now, therefore, while the greenish hue
Sits on thy skin like morning dew
And while thy dying soul transpires
At every pore with instant fires
Now, let us sport us while we may
And now, like amorous birds of prey,
Rather at once your time devour
Than languish in my slow-chapped power.
Let me roll all my strength and all
My hatred up into one ball,
And tear with pleasure your rough life
Thorough the iron gates of life.
Thus, though I cannot make the sun
Stand still, yet will I make it run.

(apologies to Andrew Marvell)