TBAY/OoP: Ashes to Ashes and a lucrative marketing opportunity

[Kirstini]

No: HPFGUIDX 66017

Down at the Souvenir Shack, Kirstini was raking it in. Who would 
have thought Kingsley Shacklebolt thongs to be such a big seller? 
She took a quick note of this in a small book, and looked up to see 
most of her customers moving away, muttering to each other about 
a "funny smell". Kirstini sniffed. Something not unlike bathroom air 
freshener was wafting her way, rather overpoweringly. She located 
the source as a strange, straggly woman with very odd hair, who was 
making her way towards the shack.
"Blimmin' `Eck" thought Kirstini, the Cockney spell obviously 
working on her inner monologue as well. "That's bleedin' torn it! 
Better try and get a sale out of this one
"
She cleared her throat as the woman reached the shack and leant 
heavily on the hatch.
"Any HUMBLE PIE for ya' guv'? `Aven't 
managed to shift any to them crowd wot just left" she added, rather 
emphatically.
The woman sniffed the theory, chewing quite happily on the filling, 
before screaming and spitting out the PIE crust.
"No, No!" she shouted, much to Kirstini's embarrassment. "This 
tastes all wrong. Percy is a Weasley after all and is simply 
misguided. He's in Gryffindor, not Slytherin - he's just a lost, 
very naïve and misguided young man. He's obviously conscious about 
his family's deprivation - that whole "no house elf" business must 
have been particularly humiliating for a Head Boy to deal with. 
Who can blame him for wanting to be rewarded for all of the hard 
work that he put in at the MoM? Besides which, surely his career is 
over following this second misjudgement about his superior. 
Incompetence and naivety do not equate with being ESE DE. I'm 
confident that he will mend his ways and return to the Weasley fold, 
lest he becomes an easy target for Voldemort's Imperius Curse."

"Keep yer bleedin' voice dahn!" Kirstini muttered. "I've got a 
livin' tah make here!"
"Sorry," said the woman, spitting onto the ground.
"Listen, I'm not saying yah right or anyfing. If yah ask me that 
boy's just a ridiculous little snob `oo  turned `is back on 
Dumbledore at the first sniff of power. But," Kirstini's voice 
lowered conspiratorially "I'll do yah a deal," 
She whacked her wand against the open PIE and Transfigured it into a 
small, clay pipe with pink, rather sickly-smelling smoke wafting out 
of it.  "'Owsabout an `Umble PIPE?"
"A HUMBLE PIPE?" repeated the oddly-coffiured woman.
"Yep," said Kirstini, scratching her head under the flat cap. "One 
for the SYNCOPHANTS, I'd imagine. How Umbridge Modernises 
Badness/Light Enquiries: Percy Is Potentially Evil." She took a puff 
on the pipe, and pulled a face. "Naow, I generally prefer sahmefing 
a little stronger. But there's business can be got from this. By the 
way, yah' name gov, didn' catchit, I'm afrayed." 

The woman turned around, her straggly hair narrowly missing a 
commemorative photo of four heavy-lidded individuals in what 
appeared to be a hovercraft.

"Me, oh, I'm Sara-ELL."
"Strike a light!" exclaimed Kirstini, "Not Sara of the `Ouse Elf 
Liberation League? Yoo got anymore of them badges? Could do you a 
deal, yunno. `Owsabout fifty, plus a few of them `UMBLE FISHFINGERS, 
an I'll frow in a Kingsley Shacklebolt matching lingerie set tah go 
wiv that thong yah got there. Naah, they don't come in grey. They'll 
only get that way if yah par-tic-oo-lary un`igynic. 
Listen, `owsabout we go for a drink an' discuss it furver? Yoo dahn' 
mind if I just
"
She raised her wand to her throat and muttered "Finite Incantatum"
"Phew, that's better," she observed, in a much more natural-sounding 
Scottish accent. "Interesting hairdo you've got there, by the way."