FILK: My Hair

[Susan Miller]

No: HPFGUIDX 97101

This is the second installment from my musical, Cap Awry (Cabaret).
In the first installment, we were introduced to the characters and
the setting of the Hogs Head where most of the action takes place.
The story proceeds in parallel paths - the 'Backstory' which is the
live action taking place during the time of the Order of the Phoenix,
and the 'Floorshow' in the Hogs Head which attempts to lighten the
mood by parodying the live action.

Backstory:

Harry knows that Wizard War is imminent, but nobody seems to care.
Nothing on the news. No messages from friends or headmasters. Even
dementors in Little Winging isn't enough to get anyone's attention -
everybody seems to be only concerned with trivialities like students
doing magic outside of Hogwarts, a water shortage, birds who waterski
and looking good.

The scene abrubtly changes to the Floorshow at the Hogsmead. Gilderoy
Lockhart sings from the spotlight.

My Hair

(To the tune of Mein Herr - from Cabaret)

http://www.hamienet.com/6875.mid

You ask me what's the envy of the land? - My hair!
The golden crown atop a face that's tanned? - My hair!
Impervious to any breeze that's fanned - My hair!

Can it be?
What's the key?
To look like me
Do like me.
Guarantee!
(For a fee)

Try .. my .. Shampoo-For-Hair!
Delightful Goo-For-Hair!
No need for rueful hair: Buy Lockhart's Lotion.
Although it's awfully rare
I have a vial to spare
The only stuff I'll wear on My Hair!

It will caress the curls
As every shaft unfurls
A recipe for love in a potion
No need to hide your gray
It's just a dab away
Of course, there's no toupee in My Hair!

The compliments you'll get when you display - your hair.
Why should you go for anything halfway - with hair?
A galleon's such a tiny price to pay - for hair.

Just one left...
Last one sold...
Don't be shy...
Best be bold...
Going fast...
(I take gold)

(Getting into the selling mode now:)

Buy my Shampoo-For-Hair!
Delightful Goo-For-Hair!
No need for rueful hair: Buy Lockhart's Lotion.
Although it's awfully rare
I have a vial to spare
The only stuff I'll wear on My Hair!

It will caress the curls
As every shaft unfurls
A recipe for love in a potion
A brew without compare
Of herbs and perfumes rare
So try it - you'll find your devine hair!

(The house lights come up to show Quirrell, Lupin, Moody and Umbridge
appear amongst the crowd, dressed like cigarette girls in corsets and
garters carrying trays of Lockhart's Hair Care products. The audience
begins to take interest in the products.)

(Gilderoy, really getting into the spirit up on stage:)

You can be debonair!
Your image can repair
No point in solitaire or deferring
With just a drop of this
You'll find it's not amiss
It's just a simple case of coiffuring.

(The crowd clammers among the "girls", holding up galleons and trying
to get some product. Hermione is seen in the midst of the melee
clutching a vial of Lotion.)

The "girls" join Gilderoy in singing the final verse:

It will caress the curls
As every shaft unfurls
A recipe for love in a potion
A brew without compare
Of herbs and perfumes rare
So try it out - on your Hair!

Buy! Buy! Shampoo-For-Hair!
Delightful Goo-For-Hair!
No need for rueful hair: Buy Lockhart's Lotion.
Although it's awfully rare
I/We have a vial to spare
The only stuff I/we'll wear on My/our Hair!

Buy! Buy! Fine hair!
Buy! Buy! Fine hair!
Buy! Buy! Fine hair!
Buy! Buy! Fine hair!
Buy! Buy! Fine hair!

(As the house lights come fully up, Severus Snape is seen quickly
leaving the premises carrying an armful of vials of Lockhart's
Lotion.)


~ Constance Vigilance