One last try (re: Parenting Harry (was: Re: I don't like him much))

[delwynmarch]

No: HPFGUIDX 120224



Alla wrote:
"TO ME, being parent includes being FAIR (I mean warmth will be nice 
and I am one of those types), but FAIR is a necessary requirement and
Snape is not fair, IMO at least."

Del replies:
Because of my past abuse (even though it wasn't coming from my mom), I
became completely terrified of turning out a horrible and abusive
mother, back when I was pregnant, and during the first months of my
baby's life. So I studied all possible sources to discover what being
a good parent meant. I read material from pediatricians, child
psychologists, other parents, and also from my church. And, well, I
must say that being fair was definitely not one of the main points
that were emphasized by anyone. Being consistent was, being forgiving
and charitable were recommended by many, but being fair wasn't high on
anybody's list, for one obvious reason : it's often impossible. There
are situations where it's possible, but there are also situations
where a parent MUST be unfair. The parent is the parent, and the child
is the child, and often this reality must be enforced on the child,
even through unfair means if necessary. And this happens most often
when the child must be punished : too often, it's not fair to punish a
child, but it's necessary. When I punish my son because he's done
something yet again even though I've told him three times already in
the last half hour not to do it, it's not really fair, because he
might have forgotten in the 10 minutes since last time, and also
because he's not delibaretely trying to annoy me. But I *have* to
punish him, or he's not going to learn not to do that thing, and worse
he's not going to learn to obey me when I'm serious.

Harry is much older than my son, but he's still a child, and Snape is
an adult. That's why, for example, I still argue that Harry should
show respect to Snape, even though Snape doesn't show respect to
Harry. It's not fair, but Snape is an adult and Harry is a kid, so
that's the way it should be IMO. Snape should in turn be punished by
his own superior for not showing any respect to one of the students
(*if* showing respect to the students is required of the teachers at
Hogwarts), but whether Snape is indeed punished or not shouldn't have
any influence on Harry's actions. That's not his business.

So in short, I'll say that I disagree that a parent must be fair.
Consistent, yes. Nice enough, yes. But fair, no, or at least not
necessarily all the time.

Alla wrote:
"Sure, children rebel against parents, but when we as adults look at 
those rebellions, we can determine that parent was correct in doing 
such and such thing, in assigning such punishment, therefore from my
adult POV parent was doing the job right."

Del replies:
The only problem is that there is no ONE definition of what doing a
good parenting job means. The only basic definition pretty much
everyone could agree on is that parenting includes making sure that
the child will be able to fit in one way or another in society. But
only terribly dysfunctional parents couldn't achieve that goal. Even
the Dursleys are training Dudley to fit in society, even if their way
is by using force and intimidation.

I've seen tons of contradicting pieces of advice given concerning the
parenting of *babies and toddlers*. I can't begin to imagine what I
would have read if I had been looking into parenting teenagers...

There isn't one perfect way of raising kids, and especially teenagers.
Every parent must pick and choose his or her own way. Snape, as the
archetypical child-less* disciplinarian, thinks strict discipline is
the key to everything. That's one way of parenting. It has some good
sides, and some (many) bad sides, but it's a valid way. It's not the
way recommanded by most specialists, because most children under that
rule don't take it too well, so it often leads to violent conflicts,
but it's not an inherently evil way. Counter-productive in most cases,
yes, but not evil or wrong. And it is definitely one type of parenting.

*We don't know for sure that Snape ever had any kid, and he definitely
doesn't seem to be closely parenting any kid of his at the moment.

Alla wrote:
"If you determine Snape's function as  "BAD PARENT", then I will 
concede to that, but not just a parent, not to me."

Del replies:
I'm not sure Snape is a bad parent, because a bad parent is IMO one
who isn't trying to do his job as a parent : make sure the kid will
fit in society. And I think Snape *does* try to raise Harry in what he
thinks is the right way to best fit into society now and later.

Snape is a highly ineffective parent, for sure. But that doesn't make
him a bad parent, because he's *trying* (unlike DD, for example, who
is pretty much letting Harry grow up any way he likes).

Alla wrote: 
"Dumbledore, Minerva, Molly, Sirius, Lupin - all of those people I can
 call Harry's parents, who screwed up badly at one point , but who had
 Harry's best interests in mind and who (which I think parent should 
have) love Harry.

Sorry, but I don't think Snape can be called one."

Del replies:
But Snape *does* have *some* of Harry's best interests in mind.

For example, judging from what he said in the Shrieking Shack, he
seems to think that James got himself and Lily killed because he was
so big-headed that he couldn't think straight anymore. As a
consequence, he tries to prevent Harry from developing such a big head
too, something he sees as an inevitable consequence of Harry's fame,
his success at Quidditch, and the fact that DD is so lenient with him.

Another example is his insistence that Harry follows the rules. He
knows what dangers lurk around (he is, after all, a Dark Arts
specialist), and he doesn't want Harry to run into them.

Even as a teacher, he does have some of Harry's best interests in
mind. He keeps giving him additional homework whenever he feels Harry
hasn't learned a Potions lesson well enough, and he threatens to
poison him in order to make sure that Harry will know his antidotes by
heart.

And honestly, I think that either all the adults that Harry comes into
close interaction with can be called parental figures, or none of them
can. The only exception is the one Harry himself identified : Sirius.

Del