No-choice parenting (was One last try)

[lupinlore]

No: HPFGUIDX 120226


--- In HPforGrownups at yahoogroups.com, "delwynmarch" 
<delwynmarch at y...> wrote:
> 
> 
<SNIP>
 
> And honestly, I think that either all the adults that Harry comes 
into
> close interaction with can be called parental figures, or none of 
them
> can. The only exception is the one Harry himself identified : 
Sirius.
> 
> Del

I think this is a very important statement.  I really don't think any 
of the figures in Harry's life can be called "parental."  And I don't 
think so for a very specific reason:

Parenting (and especially single parenting) involves a large element 
of having no choice.  That is, you don't get to pick and choose which 
aspects of your children's basic development you will be involved 
in.  You don't get to say that I'll just deal with the discipline and 
not the emotions or I'll do the practical teaching but not the life 
skills, etc.  You may want to do that.  You may not be equally good 
at everything.  But being a parent means... well, that you're stuck 
with the kid.  You don't get to send them away or say, except under 
rather dire circumstances, "I can't deal with this."  It's your lot 
in life to deal with your kid's life in all its messy glory.

Maybe this is part of what underlies the saying that "Home is the 
place where they HAVE to let you in when you show up."

Now, and this is VERY important -- I'm using the word "parent" in a 
normative sense, not a biological or social sense.  Of course there 
are parents in the biological sense who aren't involved in their 
kid's lives.  Of course not all people who are socially and legally 
recognized as parents of "X" live up to their responsibility.  But 
that isn't what I'm talking about here.  I'm talking about parenting 
in the sense of what *should* be emotionally and supportively.  And I 
really don't think it makes much sense to approach it any other way 
in Harry's case, since he doesn't *have* parents in the biological or 
legal meaning of the term.

I don't think that Harry really has a parental figure because he 
doesn't have anyone who has taken on this type of "no holds barred" 
commitment.  In other words, I don't really think you can be parented 
by several people, each of whom fulfill a specific function.  I think 
the functions of parenting have to be be condensed into one or two 
people, pretty much by definition.  Snape disciplines Harry, yes.  
But I don't think it's appropriate to call him parental because of 
that.  Lupin shows sympathy.  But once again I don't think it's 
appropriate to call him a parental figure because of *that*.

Truly parenting Harry would, I think, involve one of the characters 
saying that they *will* take on this type of commitment.  That is, to 
say (figuratively), that they are going to make it their job in life 
to take care of Harry in, as far as possible, a full spectrum way.  
And to regard themselves as *having no choice* from that point on 
when it comes to taking care of Harry's needs because parents really 
don't.

Lupinlore