One last try (re: Parenting Harry (was: Re: I don't like him much))

[delwynmarch]

No: HPFGUIDX 120305


Alla wrote:
"OK, I think I have an example of what kind of fairness parent should
 have. I think (and this is of course just my guess :o) that when your
boy will grow up, he will PERFECTLY understand why you had to punish
him. For him looking back at his life as an adult, he will understand
the fairness of your actions (and yes, of course we all screw up
SOMETIMES)."

Del replies:
In a perfect world, yes he would. But if I end up being like my mom
(who was a great mom, but not perfect), then he will unfortunately
realise that I was often unfair, that I had non-valid reasons to do
some things I did, and hopefully he will have compassion on me and
forgive me. That's what I had to do with my mom and with some other
adults who played a significant role in my life as a child. I can do
that because I know or suspect that they had my best interests in mind
most of the time. But they were just human.

Alla wrote:
"Do you remember when Harry with Ron and Hermione were outside  and 
Harry was reading the book and Snape came up to them and took points
from Harry for reading the book outside?

Ummm, what rule was Harry breaking at that moment?"

Del replies:
My mom would do that quite often, punish me for almost no reason, just
because she was upset by something in *her* life. And scarily enough,
I find myself doing the same thing to my son.

People do that *all the time* : bosses to their employees, spouses to
their partners, parents to their kids, kids to their parents, and so
on. Even Harry does it, especially in OoP, taking out his anger or
frustration on people around him.

I'm not condoning that behaviour, mind you, whether in me, Harry or
Snape. But we're all human, so it happens. Snape was wrong to punish
Harry that time, I'm wrong to punish my son sometimes, and Harry was
wrong to take out his own frustration on his friends. That's life.

Alla wrote:
" Do you think that if adult Harry will look back, he will think that
 Snape's  attitude were in any shape or form fair to him?"

Del replies:
As Eloise keeps pointing out : who else consistently berates Harry for
breaking the rules? Answer is : nobody. So strictly speaking, NOBODY
is being fair to Harry. Snape is being unfair by doing ONLY that, but
everybody else is being unfair by not doing it near-enough.
Appropriate discipline and punishment *are* part of good parenting.

For example : when Ron and Harry took the Flying Ford Anglia to go to
school, Ron got Howlered by his mom. Not so for Harry. Both DD and
McGonagall expressed their disappointment, but they acted very much as
Headmaster and Head of House that time, definitely not as parents.
Only Snape berated Harry on a personal level.

Alla wrote:
"Oh and of course another thing - this question could sound as 
rhetorical, but it is not really. Do you agree that parent has to LOVE
the child? I am not talking about constantly show warm,fuzzy feelings,
but just letting the child know that he/she is loved?"

Del replies:
You have no idea how non-rhetorical this question is to me...

I have found from my research that a child *needs* to be loved. He
needs it biologically, psychologically, mentally, on every level. It's
more biological in an infant, and mental in a teenager, but the need
is always there. And it doesn't disappear in adults either (I remember
reading a study that showed that men who had had a stroke had a much
better life expectancy if they *felt* loved by their wife). In fact,
this issue of love is the very reason I'm so interested in Tom
Riddle's potential psychopathy, but that's another post.

So yes, a child needs to be loved by his parents. But unfortunately,
love isn't something that can easily be summoned (don't ask, but
believe me I *know* that). It is possible to force oneself to develop
feelings of love, but it's very hard work. So I would not go as far as
saying that a parent *must* love their child, because if they don't,
that's for good reason, and as long as that reason isn't dealt with,
love won't come. The Dursleys, for example, didn't fall in love with
what must have been an adorable 15-month-old baby, because they had
extremely deep and painful issues concerning that baby. And since they
felt no inclination to deal with those issues, and nobody prompted
them in that direction, love never had a chance to come.

Alla wrote:
" Do you think that Snape LOVES Harry?"

Del replies:
Probably not, but I wouldn't bet on it. I'm pretty sure the Dursleys
don't love Harry, because they completely ignore him. But Snape has
strong feelings for Harry, and there's no being absolutely sure that
those feelings aren't so strong *precisely* because they are
conflicting : love for the kid vs hate for the father, admiration for
the kid vs jealousy for the father, gratitude for the kid vs
resentment for the father. I'm not saying this is the way it is, I'm
just expressing a possibility.

There *are* parents out there who are so mixed-up emotionally that
they can't express their love for their children through any other way
but abuse, *especially* verbal abuse. Personal and family therapy can
be a life-changing experience for those parents and their kids. But
the WW seems to be blissfully ignorant of such things as therapy and
counseling.

So I doubt Snape loves Harry, but I wouldn't be surprised if he did.

Del