FILK: This Secretary Is Not A Joy

[Caius Marcius]

No: HPFGUIDX 88529

WARNING: While this filk contains absolutely nothing related to 
goats, it does have a a bit of stage business inspired by Monty 
Python and the Holy Grail. 

Today's vocabulary word – munity – not to be confused with a 
rebellious mutiny  - is defined as "freedom" or "liberty". Umbridge 
is described below as an "Opponent of educational munity" which is my 
filking of the original line, "Component of operational unity"

This Secretary Is Not A Joy (OOP, Chap. 13 and etc., etc. etc.) 

To the tune of A Secretary Is Not a Toy from Frank Loesser's How to 
Succeed in Business Without Even Trying (i.e., the 1996 revival with 
Matthew Broderick)

Dedicated to Iggy McSnurd

THE SCENE: The DADA Office. UMBRIDGE and the INIQUISITORIAL SQUAD 
prepare for another evening of detention with Harry Potter. The SQUAD 
is already present as UMBRIDGE enters.

DRACO (spoken):
Slytherins! Slytherins!

May I present Dolores Jane Umbridge, Senior Undersecretary to the 
Minister of Magic


UMBRIDGE (music):
This Secretary is not a joy,
No, my boy;
Not too coy to butcher and batter
And permanent shatter
Those who won't comply with my ploys.

THE SQUAD:
No, this Secretary is not,
Definitely not a joy.

THE SQUAD (spoken, variously, smirking)
You're absolutely right, Ms. U!
We wouldn't have any other way, Ms. U!
It's a Ministry rule, Ms. U!

UMBRIDGE (music, flirting with DRACO in a stylized manner):
This Secretary will prove a joy
For Malfoy,
He's my boy.

So all of your wiles employ, 
Boy! 

UMBRIDGE & THE SQUAD:
This Secretary is not...
As far as Harry J. Pott,
This Secretary is not ...a joy!

THE SQUAD:
She's a highly glacialized key
Opponent of educational munity...
To foul and primitive organisms 
She never will grant immunity
She started our Inquisitor Squad


PARKINSON:

That is straight from the pages of Marquis de Sade!

MONTAGUE:
This Secretary is quite a threat,
Much to Potter's regret

BULSTRODE:
Her quill
That he writes with
Is what she indicts with 
For all those who dare to annoy, 
Boy!

(THE SQUAD leap unto the desktops to continue their dance)

THE SQUAD:
This Secretary's going to be
Issuing stern decrees.

PARKINSON:
Oh, she supports Draco Malfoy, boy!

DRACO
I am her greatest ally
I trust all of you know why

UMBRIDGE
This foe of Harry's my pride... and joy!

(The members of the Squad simultaneously don glasses with black 
frames and slap a stick-on scar tattoo shaped like a lightening bolt 
on their foreheads. They take their seats in a mock-Harry Potter-
detention, as UMBRIDGE tosses black quills to the Quartet)

UMBRIDGE (spoken):
"I" "I" "I" "I" "I"

THE SQUAD (pretending to write)
"I" "I" "I" "I" "I"

UMBRIDGE:
"Will Not" "Will Not"

THE SQUAD (pretending to write)
"Will Not" "Will Not"

UMBRIDGE:
"I will not tell lies"

THE SQUAD (pretending to write)
"I will not tell lies"
"I will not tell lies"

(The SQUAD leap from their desks displaying their left hands with the 
word "LIES" seemingly carved in blood.) 

Lies! Lies! Lies! Lies! Lies! 

(The SQUAD dissolves in laughter – the red letters are also of course 
tattoos.)

MONTAGUE (inscribing the parchment with his black quill): 
"The slick green snake sneaks over the lousy lion"

(His entire arm gushes a geyser of make-believe blood, which causes 
the SQUAD to again dissolve in laughter). 

THE SQUAD (in mock anguish)
Nurse! Nurse! Nurse! Nurse!

(UMBRIDGE uses an Evanesco spell to clear the stage for the big 
chorus-line finale. The SQUAD and UMBRIDGE are now all on desktop)

UMBRIDGE & THE SQUAD (music):
We've no need for Bellatrix!
Harry will get his licks
>From MOM's dominatrix!
(Oh, we're so sick!)
Our id's right out of Freud!
Our wrath he can't avoid!
This Secretary predicts
He'll be destroyed!

(As the final chord resounds, the SQUAD withdraws into the shadows. 
UMBRIDGE quickly takes her proper seat, assuming  her usual unctuous 
manner. Enter Harry, with a stoic look.)

UMBRIDGE (spoken, directing him to his desk)
Good evening, Mr. Potter

Well, sit down



(Black-out)


   -	CMC

HARRY POTTER FILKS
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