RADIO TBAY: The News

[Barry Arrowsmith]

No: HPFGUIDX 107541

"It's just past the Witching Hour on the Wizarding Wireless Network and 
that means it's time for the News.

"There has been another mass break-out from Azkaban Prison and ten 
prisoners are missing. Their absence was discovered by Ethelfrida 
Cluckbucket, a meals orderly, when she realised that she had ten more 
breakfasts than prisoners  to serve them to.

"Concern over potential security breakdown was voiced last month after 
Dementors abandoned their posts after receiving what they referred to 
as  "A more attractive professional package that gave them greater 
scope for individual decision-making and a more hands-on approach to 
cross-species interactions" from an unknown entrepreneur who was intent 
on diversifying his work-force.

"In a statement made at the scene earlier today Cornelius Fudge 
expressed dismay at the events."

[Cue Fudge]

"This has been a great shock to us all -  why, I was here myself only 
last night and it seemed secure enough then. We found notes in the 
cells claiming that the prison issue sheets were in fact Lethifolds and 
that the prisoners were being eaten alive. Further investigation has 
revealed that the woodwork classes, recommended as social therapy by 
Cissie Fluffbunny, a renowned expert in the rehabilitation of 
offenders, was in fact used as a cover to make a loom. Sheets and 
blankets were unravelled and re-woven into a magic carpet on which the 
miscreants made their escape. This is unconscionable; don't they 
realise that magic carpets are illegal? The full weight of the 
Wizengamot will fall on these malefactors."

[End Fudge]

"The Minister refused to  comment when questioned about the rumoured 
relationship between Ms Fluffbunny and a female inmate who was one of 
the escapees, or to suggestions that the wood used was from a batch of 
non-standard Quidditch brooms stored in the Ministry while awaiting 
testing by the Broom Regulatory Office.

"Other news.
"A militant faction of  House Elves Against Clothes, the Elvish  
organisation dedicated to resisting enforced freedom, admitted 
responsibility for yesterdays attack on the  'Mrs Skowers Household 
Cleansers' facility where all the magical cleaning products were turned 
into chocolate milk shakes. They gave the place a good dusting, ironed 
the curtains and polished the brassware before leaving.

"A disaster was averted when an elite Muggle Protection Squad apparated 
into the centre of Coventry  to remove a dragon. After stunning the 
beast the Squad spelled onlookers into believing that they had been 
watching a Chinese New Year Parade, handed out fireworks and apparated 
out with the dragon. The fireballs that had engulfed the local swim 
centre and scorched the geraniums outside the Town Hall were later 
attributed by the Muggle authorities to over-exuberant celebrations.

"The great and the good of the Wizarding World flocked last night to 
the premiere of "Heartburn" - a romantic comedy set amid the Salem 
witch trials. Our Arts Correspondent reports.

[Cue rec.]
"This has been a night and a show to remember.
The  stars of the piece, Jocinta Love - who plays 'Flirty' Gertie 
Kettlebum, an innocent but determined sorceress and Lance Broomhandle 
who portrayed 'Burn 'em' Mather, the prosecutor with a heart of gold, 
had no  less than nine curtain calls. The inspired casting of Eric the 
Educated Ferret as the go-between for the star-crossed lovers drew 
universal admiration.
This one will run and run.
This is Artie Plonquer, the Cauldron Theatre, Ipswich."
[End rec.]

"And news just in. East African wizards are battling to  subdue a Nundu 
that has been ravaging the countryside.  Villages have been evacuated 
and domestic cattle as well as tens of thousands of wildebeests have 
been wiped out.

"That is the end of the news - or should that be gnus."