On the other hand (was Re: Disliked Uncle Vernon)

[suehpfan]

No: HPFGUIDX 93093

--- In HPforGrownups at yahoogroups.com, "Doriane" <delwynmarch at y...> 
wrote:
> suehpfan wrote:
> 
> > 2.   The image of the baby Harry at the Dursley's is a very 
> > painful one for me.  I cannot imagine the depravity of two adults 
> > in a house with a parentless *baby* not being willing to meet his 
> > needs (both physical and emotional).  There is no excuse.  No 
> > level of fear creates a situation which can in anyway excuse this 
> > behavior.  
> 
> Del answers :
> 
> I quite disagree with you. I know our western culture has this idea 
> that anyone seeing a baby in need will automatically take care of 
it 
> and feel attached to it. But that's simply not true. There are many 
> biological mothers who just don't bond with their babies instantly, 
> it may take days, weeks or even months, and a few will never manage 
> to do it without psychological help. It's still quite a taboo, but 
> it's true. And when there are deep negative emotional issues 
running 
> in the mother's life (abuse, rape, abandonment, etc...), the risk 
of 
> her not bonding correctly with her child is even higher.
> 
> And when there are as deep emotional issues between foster parents 
> and kid as there were between the Dursleys and baby Harry, I'm 
> afraid I have to call Dumbledore irresponsible for forcing Harry on 
> them without providing any kind of help or support : the 
probability 
> of them not bonding with Harry was so high as to be almost 
> inevitable. And it doesn't take an Inner Eye to guess what people 
> like the Dursleys do to kids they have to keep but don't like. It 
> was obvious from the beginning that things would go wrong, it would 
> have taken nothing short of a miracle for Petunia to fall in love 
> with her detested and feared and jealoused sister's baby, and that 
> miracle didn't happen. I don't blame Petunia.
> 
> Suehpfan :
> 
> > IMO, the Dursleys are awful.
> 
> Del :
> 
> In mine, they are Different. They are indeed awful by my moral 
> standards, but I have no right to force those standards on them. 
> They were landed with a baby whose very idea they hated, and they 
> received no help. Not that they would have accepted it, mind you :-
> ), since they didn't think they needed it.
> 
> Suehpfan :
> 
> > That said, I would not be surprised if Petunia and Dudley do a 
> > little bit to redeem themselves before the end.  Vernon? 
> > Impossible.
> 
> Del :
> 
> I don't see it that way. To redeem themselves, they would have to 
> admit they did something wrong. But that would mean they would have 
> to change their moral code to start with. That's quite unlikely to 
> happen and would feel like cheating to me.
> 
> Del

Sue replies:
Wow!  I am responding before I have read the other posts in the 
thread so I apologize if I am repeating but as it was my post, I have 
to.

First off I said *nothing* about bonding.  I don't really care 
whether Petunia bonded to Harry or not.  I also said it was the most 
painful for *me*, very personal, very specific.  It is of the utmost 
depravity in any culture, including most animal cultures (by that I 
mean monkey, wolf, etc.) to not care for the young.  Most of us do 
respond to an infant and small child simply because we are 
genetically programmed to do so, propagation of the species and all 
that.  Petunia *agreed* to take Harry.  There must have been a way 
for her to tell DD to take the bundle put it somewhere else. No thank 
you.  We have no idea what kind of agreement was made or whether 
there was compensation for Harry's care.  I am of the opinion that 
there was.

As far as forcing standards on other people, we all have a 
responsibility to be sure our young are cared for.  As a teacher, I 
was *required* to do so by the state in which I was credentialed or 
risk prosecution for negligence myself.  I am all for "to each his 
own" unless there is someone who cannot protect themselves, then "it 
takes a village" IMHO.

On the point of DD and his decision to leave Harry with the 
Dursley's, I believe he trusted Petunia to care for her nephew with 
honor, she did have a choice and she agreed to take him.  I think it 
was probably only after the charm to protect him was cast DD realized 
how horrible Harry's life was going to be.  It was then a choice 
between two evils and DD chose the one that was most likely to keep 
Harry alive and humble so he could rise to the challenges ahead.

You are absolutely right to say that they would have to realize 
the "wrongness" of their behavior.  If you would be disappointed, I 
would be thrilled.  It is so much easier for people who have suffered 
abuse to heal when the people who did the abusing acknowledge the 
error of their ways.  I wish for Harry some path through the 
wilderness for at least part of what he has suffered.

I suspect we will have to agree to disagree on the Dursleys.  
Everyone is redeemable (even Uncle Vernon :P), I hope they do redeem 
themselves and do something right for once.  As far as I'm concerned 
they have no "moral code" they have a conformist code but there is 
nothing moral about it.

Sue