On the other hand (was Re: Disliked Uncle Vernon)

[suehpfan]

No: HPFGUIDX 93296

---Snip of earlier posts by Sue and DEl
Del wrote:
> Okay, I didn't express my feelings clearly on that one.
> What I am against is that idea that the Dursleys should change on 
> their own, that they should wake up one day and say : "Hey, we've 
> been lying for years, we always knew we were doing wrong, we are 
> evil, what we've done to Harry is horrible !" That would be awful 
in 
> my idea, because it would imply that whoever is doing bad things 
> (things the kids think are bad) necessarily knows they are doing 
> something evil and they are doing it out of pure evilness and they 
> can just be forced to admit it and to change it. It's just not 
> always that simple. The Dursleys probably know that their solution 
> to their problem (Harry) is not the only one, the one the WW would 
> approve of, but they might not see a way out. I would like them to 
> be shown the way through *love* and help, not through force. After 
> all, many people on this list believe that Harry will beat LV 
> through love, so what's so crazy about my request that the Dursleys 
> should be shown love as well ?? I want the kids who read the books 
> to learn that too often, when some people do bad things, it's 
> because they don't know much better, but they will change if they 
> are guidely nicely. I want the kids to learn that the school bully 
> might need just as much help as the kids he's beating, that the 
> nasty teacher might be hurting just as much as the kids he's 
> belittling (as some say Snape does), that the grouchy old neighbour 
> might just be desperately alone, etc... I want kids to learn that a 
> behaviour can be bad, but that most of the time the person isn't, 
> and that with adequate help (not beating and hate) they can change 
> that behaviour.
> And yes in my idea abuse falls under the category of bad 
behaviours. 
> And I also know it's hard to love an abuser.
> 
> Del

This is the first thing you have written which made sense to me. 
Remember, I'm the one who chose to teach in South Central Los 
Angeles. It has never been my belief that anyone should by forced to 
say "I'm sorry" by someone more powerful than they are.  I don't even 
force my kids to apologize, not until they understand the reason they 
are doing it.  I believe the Dursley's (at least Petunia and Dudley) 
are capable of understanding the "wrongness" of their choices, and 
they were choices.  As I said they are redeemable.  In the end, and 
maybe in the beginning of book 6 given the circumstances, I think 
Harry will actually feel gratitude for the fact that he is still 
alive because of them and probably say so to his aunt.  That, I 
believe, will be the beginning of the dialogue between them.  
Undoubtedly Harry will have to make the first move for that dialogue 
to happen. And you are right in saying the only way to solve any of 
the hurt is for two way understanding and (sap, sap, sappy) love, or 
at least an agreement to stop hating.

As for choice in the matter DD said:
"But she took you....  She may have taken you grudgingly, furiously, 
unwillingly, bitterly, yet still she took you." (OotP US 836) 

There is no question she did not want to raise Harry, but she didn't 
want him dead either.  The implication of the statement DD makes is 
that she did exercise choice.  She may have felt there was no way she 
could live with herself if she let the child die and she spent the 
next 10 years punishing Harry because of her own feelings of 
entrapment and resentment.  We don't know. I hope we will.  With 
every act of abuse toward Harry, Petunia knew what she was doing and 
who she was betraying: "but your eyes, they're exactly like your 
mother's", Lilly knows those eyes too.  Vernon was betraying only 
Harry, he was scapegoating and so was Dudley.  

I'm glad we finally hit some common ground (at least a little).
Sue