FILK: OK, I Lied

[Caius Marcius]

No: HPFGUIDX 93584

Song #9 for my CoS musical A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the 
Chamber. 

OK, I Lied (CoS, Chap. 16)

To the tune of Bring Me My Bride, from Sondheim's A Funny Thing 
Happened on the Way to the Forum 

Text and a brief excerpt here (you'll have to scroll down)

http://users.bestweb.net/~foosie/forum.htm

Dedicated to Lilac

NOTE: The device of having Lockhart accompanied by a Chorus of his 
own images is borrowed, with thanks, from Pippin. 

http://home.att.net/~coriolan/faculty/lockhart.htm#Dark_Defense_Tutori
al

Also, I just made up a middle initial for Lockhart so his name would 
scan properly to Miles Gloriosus 

THE SCENE: The DADA Professor's office. With a flourish of trumpets, 
LOCKHART is seen hurriedly packing. As he sings, he is accompanied by 
a CHORUS of LOCKHART IMAGES on the covers of his books

LOCKHART (spoken):
Stand aside, everyone! I have large trunks!

CHORUS OF LOCKHART IMAGES:
For, feit, for, feit

LOCKHART:
It's now time to flee, the game's forfeit 

CHORUS OF LOCKHART IMAGES:
For, feit, for, feit
Left, Right? Left, Right?

(A loud knocking on the  door)

LOCKHART:
Just tell them I've already left, right?

CHORUS OF LOCKHART IMAGES:
Right! Left! . . . Uh . . . Ri . . . Uh . . . Left!

(The door swings open, revealing HARRY and RON, who enter)

LOCKHART :
Yikes!

HARRY (spoken)
Hail, Gilderoy J. Lockhart. Welcome to our cause, great Defense 
Professor. Victory awaits you.

(LOCKHART tries unsuccessfully to barge out the door past HARRY & RON)

LOCKHART:
(spoken) One side
..
(music) I lied! I lied!
My deeds are all denied!
To Harry and to young Ron I must confide!
Ginny is trapped
My job title I've scrapped
There are books to author
Signings to sign
For fans who are enrapt!

CHORUS OF LOCKHART IMAGES:
Look at our fees!
Look at our sales!
Look at them!

LOCKHART:
All from telling my tales!
So I fudged some details
.

I lied! I lied!
OK, OK, I lied!
My teaching Dark Arts Defense is not applied!
I'm just a sham
It's time for me to scram
There are yarns to pilfer
Legends to swipe
And tours in which I ham!

HARRY & RON
Oh, what a dolt!
Oh, what a heel!
He has the rigid backbone of an eel!

LOCKHART:
I hate this ordeal!

I, Gilderoy J. Lockhart,
I, wanderer with werewolves,
I, the gadder with the ghoul,
The master of the duel 
Five times voted most cool,
The traveler with the troll,
Each memory I stole!

LOCKHART & (IMAGES)
I, Gilderoy J. Lockhart (Him, Gilderoy J. Lockhart)
I, parable of swindlers (Him, parable of swindlers) 

CHORUS OF LOCKHART IMAGES:
A Wiz among Wiz
At least in show biz!

LOCKHART:
I, accomplishments compiled
The Wizard World beguiled
Could yet end up reviled
My exit now delayed,
I am so afraid!

HARRY & RON
Look at him sweat
Look at him shake
Wouldn't you bet that this threat
Proves him merely a rake?

RON 
This is the sweatiest threat ever faced by this flake
So fake. . .

(Segue to the underground corridor leading to the Chamber, as 
LOCKHART seizes RON'S wand)

LOCKHART:
Your wand! Your wand! 
I'll now escape your bonds!
The fabled stream of Lethe is like a pond!
Adventures end!
Your minds I'll apprehend
There are thoughts to be erasing,
Selves to be effacing
Consciousness I shall obliterate!
Obliviate!

SEMI-CHORUS I OF LOCKHART IMAGES (off-stage):
Obliviate!

SEMI-CHORUS II OF LOCKHART IMAGES (off-stage): :
Obliviate!

    -	CMC (and that's the funny thing that happened on the way to 
the Chamber)

HARRY POTTER FILKS 
http://home.att.net/~coriolan/hpfilks.htm