TBAY: The good news is...

[Barry Arrowsmith]

No: HPFGUIDX 93577

"Good evening.
The previous management having abandoned their desks, taking the tea 
money with them, a handful of enthusiasts have been living a dream: to 
bring Radio TBAY back to life. And this is proof that  we have 
succeeded at long last.

"My name is Snakey and I'll be specialising in hard-hitting political 
comment. Tonight I'll be holding an exclusive interview with the 
renowned Lord Voldemort,  trying to determine if he can make that 
all-important break-through in his political fortunes. Does he have 
that magic touch?

"The good  news from JKR is that Voldy will really be getting into his 
stride in the next book. It's about time. We're five volumes into the  
series and he's hardly killed anyone  yet. Any comment Lord  
Voldemort?"

LV:
"That's hardly fair, given the circumstances. These things take time."

S:
"Nor does your  dastardly plan to  rule the world look to be more than 
a pipe-dream at the moment -  that much-feared clutch of desperado  
henchwizards are currently serving time  in Azkaban and while you're 
hunkered down in some hidey-hole with a silver-fingered rat and a 
pissed-off Joan Crawford look-alike for company. Hardly likely to 
impress potential supporters, is it?"

LV:
"Good help is  so hard to find these  days. There was a time when I 
really did start to have second thoughts, maybe pack in this wannabe 
super-tsar lark and open a little establishment down Nocturn Alley 
providing discreet services for the discerning pureblood. But  of 
course I couldn't let down all those many thousands who rely on our 
organisation to voice their opinions. So public pressure and the crying 
need for fundamental political reform strengthened my momentarily 
weakened resolve."

S:
"Very laudable; most public spirited of you, But despite what you say 
the situation doesn't look promising from where I'm sitting. How would 
you describe the events up to now?"

LV:
"Admittedly it's all been a bit  of a frost so far; started so well 
too. All the headlines anyone could wish for, lots of street cred, 
opposition reduced to a  senile old ding-bat  and his bunch of deluded 
do-gooders - and then what  happens? Godrics Hollow, that's what. All 
the rat's fault, of  course. "Guess what, Boss! I know where the 
Potters are stashed! Now's your chance!" Might have known that a 
half-wit wouldn't have the full story. So - tip-toe through the tulips 
to chez Potter, no opposition to speak of, yet end up getting 
disembodied by some brat in Pampers!  I ask you, is that fair or 
reasonable?"

S:
"It seems you had your chance and blew it. Hardly likely to inspire 
confidence in the uncommitted wizard in the street, is it?"

LV:
"Hrrrummph!"

S:
"Ah, no need to take it personally Lord Voldemort, and I would remind 
you that wands are not allowed in the studio. Put it away please. 
Please. Thank you. Could you remove the snake from the microphone? It's 
dripping venom on my notes. Very good. Thank you again.
So  what happened then?"

LV:
"Ten years! Ten years in the arm-pit of the universe before there's a 
chance to get back to the top table - and what a chance! The 
Philosophers Stone, no less. Immortality, riches - just what the doctor 
ordered; all problems solved. Even worth spending months resting my 
chin on someone's back collar stud, staring at the inside of a turban. 
And it was so close! I could almost taste it, but then along comes that 
interfering, can't-mind-his-own-business, scruffy little oik Potter and 
Quirrell just  goes to pieces."

S:
"That must have been a real disappointment. Could nothing be salvaged?"

LV:
"No, it was back  to square one. Only for three years this time. The 
rat turned up again - claimed he wanted to help. Admittedly, he did 
have some use, luring the most boring witch since Hansel and Gretel 
swore off gingerbread into my  grasp. Interesting information she had 
to tell, once she'd had a bit of encouragement. Saw a neat way to kill  
two  birds with one stone - make a grand come-back and zap that little 
bugger at the same time. Give the lads a bit of a show, sort of a 
combined coming out and putting down, just to show who's who and what's 
what. Coming out went well; checked the recipe, cauldron simmering 
nicely, Wormtail even managed not to cock-up the spell. Worked a treat; 
got the white skin, red eyes, cute little nose -  really striking, I 
thought. Sent out the invites to the party and just for the hell of it 
gave 'em all a good bollocking  when they finally turned up. Suitably 
servile, all of them. Everything going according to plan."

S:
"So  victory looked certain. But it didn't turn out the way you 
expected, did it? What happened this time?"

LV:
"Why didn't somebody tell me about the wands? How can I be expected to 
nail the little creep when there's a wand conflict? Do I have to check 
everything myself? Remind me to have a few quiet words with Ollivander, 
let him know which side his bread's buttered.

"And the upshot is that he gets away *again*. There really is no  
justice. He couldn't spell 'cat' without getting a nosebleed, but 
somehow that bunch of incompetents let him get away. I'm going to have 
to think up something really special for that little toe-rag, something 
nasty and permanent."

S:
"Yes, well. When you do  perhaps we could send along our Curse and  
Poisons expert to give us a detailed report. But as it is your success 
rate is not very impressive, is it? Are you ever going to get him?"

LV:
"Nearly  did  it last time - got inside his squalid little mind, almost 
turned him against that old fool Bumblebore - never mind, got him to  
the Ministry, just  as I planned it, but that clutch of cretins let him 
off the hook and got themselves caught into  the bargain! I  couldn't 
believe it. They let  a bunch of school kids run rings round them until 
that other  mob arrived. Ridiculous. "Keep it quiet and low key," those 
were the instructions, "that way nobody need ever know what  we've  
done. Grab the Prophecy, stuff Potter  through the veil and Bob's your 
uncle" Simplicity itself. By the time I arrived it had all gone truly 
pear-shaped. What a disaster. Tried to retrieve it, but even I can't 
hold off whatsisname *and* possess Potter *and* rescue that mad bitch 
all at the same time. Only got one  pair of hands, haven't I? Sometimes 
I wonder why I  bother. Do they  truly deserve me?"

S:
"You know, Lord Voldemort, I think they do. But  despite all the 
setbacks, the author says that you're  gonna get another crack at the 
top spot. What do you have to say to our listeners about that?"

LV:
She obviously recognises talent when she sees it and this time I'll  
give it my best shot, I promise. Lots of ideas,  I can't be too 
specific at this stage, you understand. But I  think I can  promise 
some exciting developments in our strategic planning  and in the 
implementation of tactical  decision-making. It  won't happen 
over-night of course, but in the longer term I see no reason why our 
supporters, our many supporters, shouldn't have something to cheer  
about."

S:
"That's good news, isn't  it? I'm sure our listeners will follow your 
progress with great fascination.
Thank you and goodnight."