FILK: The Class of Gildy Lockhart

[Caius Marcius]

No: HPFGUIDX 94136

Song #12 from my CoS musical, A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to 
the Chamber (four more to go)

The Class of Gildy Lockhart (CoS, Chap 6, 10 & 11)

To the tune of The House of Marcus Lycus, from Sondheim's A Funny 
Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum 

Dedicated to Amy z

NOTE: This filk is based on the original version of the song, which 
was dropped from the show during rehearsals. According to Jeffrey 
Lonoff, "the verbal detailing of the delights of Lycus' house 
competed with the very visual detailing performed in the courtesan's 
dance." The song does not appear at all on the 1964 original cast 
recording, and only in its greatly diminished revision on the 1996 
revival. Since I don't have any dancing courtesans at my disposal, I 
opted to go back teh hyper-verbal original. The long version is 
performed on "A Collector's Sondheim," and fortunately, a brief 
excerpt can be heard here (search "Collector's Sondheim", if this URL 
is too long to reproduce here)
 
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-
/B000002W8N/qid=1080357996/sr=1-65/ref=sr_1_65/102-4277107-8951344?
v=glance&s=music

THE SCENE: DADA Classroom. Enter Gilderoy Lockhart, Professor of 
Defense Against Dark Arts

LOCKHART (spoken, accompanied by slow jazzy music) Me. Gilderoy 
Lockhart, Order of Merlin, Third Class, Honorary Member of the Dark 
Force Defense League, and five-time winner of Witch Weekly's Most-
Charming-Smile Award - but I don't talk about that. I didn't get rid 
of the Bandon Banshee by smiling at her!

(music) Pure-blooded, blonde-headed, brave-hearted, cool
Fast-footed, hunk-featured, sharp-witted: drool!
Lilac is my very favorite hue
I warn evil ones to beware
But in secret dreams I want to brew
My own line of hair-care

.

(spoken) Now - be warned! It is my job to arm you against the foulest 
creatures known to wizardkind! You may find yourselves facing your 
worst fears in this room. Know only that no harm can befall you 
whilst I am here. All I ask is that you remain calm



(LOCKHART unveils a cage full of Pixies)

(music) So scary, so screechy, so vicious, so loud

HARRY & RON
So silly, so stupid, so shallow, so proud

LOCKHART:
Here's a horror that is all too grim
Cornish pixies in their rages
They may try to tear you limb from limb
When out of their cages

(LOCKHART opens the cage, then exits after failing to recapture them. 
The following verses are sung as the Pixies wreak havoc)

NEVILLE (overlapping with below, from the chandelier)
Pure-blooded, blonde-brainéd, faint-hearted tricks
Lead-footed, disfeatured, dull-witted shtik
Looks at all the things he claims to do
Babbles on and on the whole day
Live creatures in class are now taboo
Lockhart sticks to role-play

HERMIONE (overlapping with Neville above)
There's a really knight-in-armor dude
In the class of Gildy Lockhart.

HARRY & RON (overlapping with above)
There is really gross ineptitude
In the class of Gildy Lockhart.
Ask poor old Longbottom, he'll agree
That the man is ultra-dense
In the class of Gildy Lockhart,
DA Defense

(Segue to opening of Chap. 10, as HARRY is compelled to re-enact the 
saga of the Wagga)

LOCKHART (spoken): Nice loud howl, Harry - exactly - and then, if 
you'll believe it, I pounced - like this - slammed him to the floor - 
thus with one hand, I managed to hold him down - with my other, I put 
my wand to his throat -I then screwed up my remaining strength

.

(music) Subhuman, substantial subterfuge, such subversiveness 
Subjected, subduing, subsiding, sweet submissiveness
Oh, the villagers were sorely vexed
By all of the Wagga Wolf fuss
Till I used a spell highly complex
The Charm called Homorphus

(spoken) Homework - compose a poem about my defeat of the Wagga Wagga 
Werewolf! Signed copies of Magical Me to the author of the best one!

..but wait

 Professor Dumbledore has granted me permission to start 
a dueling club, to train you all in case you ever need to defend 
yourselves as I myself have done on countless occasions - for full 
details, see my published works.

(Segue to the first dueling club meeting, with LOCKHART, SNAPE & 
CHORUS OF STUDENTS in attendance)

(music) In combat, uncommon valor displayed
There's danger – my wand's out – the threat is stayed
When Expelliarmus is your spell
You're disabling and disarming

HARRY, RON & HERMIONE
Snape is seemingly as mad as hell
With fury he's storming

LOCKHART (simultaneous with below)
Fast-footed

There's danger 
.
Brave-hearted 

In combat 
.
Subduing 
.
There's danger 
.

SNAPE (simultaneous with above):
My hexes

Can handle
Dim Lockhart
I'll brain him
Just like that

CHORUS OF STUDENTS (joining in)
Let Expelliarmus be your spell
In the class of Gildy Lockhart.
Even though Snape may be mad as hell
In the class of Gildy Lockhart.
With his turquoise teratology
And preponderant pretense
. 
.
LOCKHART
Here's ability!

SNAPE: 
Here's stupidity!

LOCKHART
One man's brilliancy!

SNAPE: 
To the wall with thee!

ALL
In the class of Gildy Lockhart,
DA Defense!

LOCKHART
And need I add, as all of us who are of the house of Lockhart, I am 
well versed in the defensive arts, proficient at wandwork, and 
surprised at nothing



(The Unsurprised LOCKHART is blasted into the wall by SNAPE)

    -	CMC

HARRY POTTER FILKS 
http://home.att.net/~coriolan/hpfilks.htm