3 Filks I've not posted here due to volume

[quigonginger]

No: HPFGUIDX 137577

I have a couple of filks I haven't posted here that have been written 
since HBP, so I thought I'd just do them all in one post.


"Girl called Phlegm" is to the tune of ZZ Top's "Sharp Dressed Man".

To CMC, who in no way reminds me of anything one might hack.


Ginny, sitting in Harry's room at the Burrow, explains to Harry what
life with "Phlegm" has been like.

GINNY:

Fred stares, Ron drools.
Man, I think the are a bunch of fools.
George grins, Bill sighs.
I don't know why mother tries.
They come runnin' if she just looks at them,
Cuz every guy's crazy 'bout this girl called Phlegm.

Bill's hooked, bought a ring.
Ron can't think about another thing.
Tonks out, Phlegm in.
I just want to chuck her in the bin.
They'd come runnin' if she yelled out for them,
Cuz every guy's crazy 'bout this girl called Phlegm.

"Phlegm this." "Phlegm that."
"All zees Eenglish food weel make me fat."
Bill says: True love.
Someone slap that boy- he needs a shove.
He'll come runnin' like all the rest of them,
Cuz every guy's crazy 'bout this girl called Phlegm.

***************************************************
Quite recently, in a galaxy so close as to be considered a parallel
universe, Tim Regan (Dumbledad) said:

"I think I know who the human Horcrux is, and it is not Harry. Let's
examine the evidence

1) Having part of the soul of the Dark Lord residing inside you would
drain you of your vitality and color.
2) Voldemort's meddling in his own soul reduced his once handsome
features to "glaring red eyes and slits for nostrils" (PS/SS C17)
3) Voldemort's sense of grandeur and destiny would start to take over
your own judgements.

In short, one of Voldemort's horcruxes is Michael Jackson."

Needless to say, it spawned a filk.

To Tim Regan


Horcrux To the tune of Thriller by Michael Jackson.

The scene: The cave. Harry has forced DD to drink the green goo.

HARRY:
You've drained the basin,
And now you're needing water from the lake.
You'd put your face in,
But instinct tells you that is a mistake.
You try to scream,
And *aguamenti's* futile; you must face it.
Water's a dream,
And once you touch the lake, you realize:
It's your demise.

'Cause this is Horcrux, Horcrux night.
And no one's gonna save you
>From th' inferi left and right.
'Cause this is Horcrux, Horcrux night.
You're fighting for your life to get a Horcrux,
No lux, tonight.

Magical drink banned,
The lake's the only place where waters run.
You feel the cold hand,
And then you realize what you have done.
You see their eyes,
A horror that's beyond imagination.
Your memory fries.
Inferi start to creep up from behind.
You've lost your mind.

'Cause this is Horcrux, Horcrux night.
They're coming by by the score,
And there's no chance to set it right.
'Cause this is Horcrux, Horcrux night.
You're fighting for your life to get a Horcrux,
No lux tonight.

Out of the pool-
(Where is Paula Abdul to teach promanade?)
If they were dancin'
We might have a chance to flee in time.
The walls I climb.
This is LV's perfect crime.

You try the old spells,
But more keep coming in on every side.
Your nightmare's worst hells,
You wonder if your Headmaster has died.
But just in time,
He comes around and casts a ring of fire.
He's so sublime.
He boards the boat and you cast off to sea.
Now you are free.

It was a Horcrux, Horcrux night.
And you're with Dumbledore
So there's no cause to shake or cry.
Yeah, it's a Horcrux, Horcrux night.
So you just hang on tight,
And have a Horcrux, no lux, soul tucks,
This sucks! here tonight.

DUMBLEDORE (a la Vincent Price):
Darkness rules Tom Riddle's land.
Hold tight your wand within your hand.
Creatures out to suck your blood
Are lurking in the salt and mud.
Remember, Harry, if you're found,
A ring of fire to cast around.
If it is cast, all's good and well,
But if it's not, you're doomed to hell.

Their soulless eyes all seem to stare.
Their bony hands are everywhere.
They rise up from their liquid tomb
To seal your fate and bring your doom.

And though we managed to survive,
As I could *Accio lux*,
There's more than one way to deprive
The Dark Lord of a Horcrux.

**************************************************
"Sit Softly, Love" to the tune of "Speak Softly Love" aka the Love 
Theme from the Godfather. Music by Nino Rota and lyrics by Larry 
Kusik.
Famously sung by Andy Williams (wow, my 2nd Andy song!)

A first solo for Elliot Smethwyck, who in 1820, developed the 
Cushioning Charm.

To whomever made the fresh popcorn. The old stuff was sticking in my 
teeth.

Elliot was a rather henpecked hubby. His wife refused to ride brooms 
after the birth of their 11th child due to what she referred to 
as "that-other-pain-in-that-area-and-I'm-not-talking-about-you-
Elliot".

Sensing that carpets were heading towards extinction, and figuring 
that 
replacing them would cost more body parts than he could afford, he 
attempted to convince his wife to give up her (then-legal) Berber 250 
by inventing the Cushioning Charm.

He sings:

Sit softly, love, I have improvements to impart.
I feel your pain, the tenderness in your hind part.
And though your derriere has grown,
You'll find a comfort that 'til now has been unknown.

Now we can fly up to the sun.
Under the moon, for a mead-run.

Sit softly, love, we'll fly together in the sky.
We'll fly together as we travel yon and nigh.
We'll soar so high, so high above,
And you'll fly by my side, my love. Sit softly, love.

(instrumental chorus as she tries the broom)

Now we can fly up to the sun.
Under the moon, for a mead-run.

Sit softly, love, we'll fly together in the sky.
We'll fly together as we travel yon and nigh.
We'll soar so high, so high above,
And you'll fly by my side, my love. Sit softly, love.


As a footnote, Mrs. Smethwyck wasn't all that tickled by the charm 
itself, but as the royalties came flooding in, she eventually came 
around and they lived happily ever after. The end.

Ginger, still laughing at Aunt Petunia taking on DE's with a spatula.