[HPforGrownups] If they wrote Book 7 was Re: the Grande Finale

[sunnylove0 at aol.com]

No: HPFGUIDX 138946

After Eggplant's marvelous Dirty Harry post, I just had to jump in.
 
If Book 7 were written by: (with apologies therin)
 
J.R.R Tolkien
 
Setting: Harry, Ron, and Hermione are on their way to Voldemort's dark  
castle after destroying the Horcruxes (which involved giant battles,  Dementor 
attacks, lava flows, and other various nasty things).   Unfortunately, the only 
guide to the castle is Snape, who due to some clause in  the Unbreakable 
Vow/failed Horcrux creation/other plot device has gone insane  and is having 
psychotic delusions (which is at least keeping Harry from throwing  him off the 
nearest deadly obstacle).
 
Hermione: "You said..um..this way, Professor?"
 
Harry (snarling) "Don't call him that! He's a murderer, and the first  chance 
I get..."
 
Snape (hissing) "You'd use my curses, too! My curses, the Half Blood  
Prince's! No, you won't get them!  (clutches invisible book) My preciousss  
curssess...."
 
<30 pages of action packed book later, Snape knocks Harry down  trying to get 
his non-existent book back, knocking Harry into Voldemort, who  falls into a 
lava flow. Yay.>
*************
Harlequin/Mills and Boon (aka Tuw Wuv, Part 1)
 
Harry Potter stood in the dimly lit hallway, the Sword of Gryffindor at his  
side, his ripped and bloody robes showing off his manly chest. "I must go and  
face him alone.  You know that, Ginny, my love....(lots of sloppy  kissing).
 
Ginny clutched at Harry's chest, her tears splashing the front of his  robes. 
"No, my love.  Whatever happens, I want to be with you.  We  will live or die 
together! (more tears, more sloppy kissing).
 
Voldemort: "Die Potter!  I can't stand the sight of this!  (Neither can we.)
 
(Harry and Ginny embrace and sing "The Power of Love")
 
Voldemort covers his ears, shrieking, and dies a horrible death. The book  
ends with a glorious double wedding with Ron and Hermione.  Rice is thrown,  
doves fly, and readers the world over excuse themselves to throw up. (Note: I  
don't actually mind OBHWF, but go easy on it, please.)
************
George Lucas (aka Tuw Wuv, Part 2 with thanks and apologies to  LOLLIPOPS)
 
Scene: The Final Battle.  Harry is lying flat on his back with his  wand some 
distance away. Voldemort is standing over him, making it as  slow and painful 
as possible.  Snape is standing against a nearby wall,  watching.
 
Voldemort: Crucio!
 
Harry (barely conscious):...help...Sirius!
 
Snape grins broadly.
 
Voldemort: Crucio!
 
Harry:...Professor Dumbledore....
 
Snape's grin fades. His hands twitch.
 
Voldemort: Crucio!
 
Harry: ....Mum...
 
Snape: DIE YOU @#@#$$$#$$#$#@#!
 
Snape stuns Voldemort, and Harry rolls over, grabs his wand and performs  the 
AK. He then stares open mouthed at Snape.
 
Snape: Yes, yes, Potter.  Let's not do lunch, ever.
*************
Amber
who thinks the worst possibility for Book 7 is Harry doing Frodo and  wasting 
away from depression in the Weasley kitchen
 
 


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