Dudley's fate. Was Re: Are we abusing the concept of "abuse?"

[delwynmarch]

No: HPFGUIDX 124710


Alla earlier:
"Maybe because to me is the intention is what counts the most and no
matter how hard I try I cannot find anywhere in the books that
Dursleys intend to harm Dudley. I mean, harm can come even from the
best intentions, but I cannot call such person an abuser."

Jocelyn answered:
"I am told that a lot of paedophiles believe that the child wanted it,
 and will come to no harm.  This is not an opinion shared by the rest
 of the western world, so we call it child abuse."

Alla replied:
"Eh? That is definitely not what I meant under "best intentions" part.
 I think I meant something more objective - like Dursleys feeding
Dudley because they think he is hungry, or something like that. "

Del comments:
I think what Jocelyn was trying to explain is that the intentions are
not the only thing that matter when determining abuse. Some people can
do some very bad things with the best intentions.

To go back to Jocelyn's examples, there are children who enjoy being
sexually touched (believe me, I know what I'm talking about), and the
adult touching them can truly be convinced that they are doing
something nice to them. But that doesn't mean that they are not in
fact abusing them.

To use your own example now, Alla, feeding inordinate amounts of sugar
to a toddler can make both he and you very happy right now, but it is
not good for him, neither now nor in the future. It makes him happy
*now*, but it will make him very unhappy in the short term (after the
sugar high), in the middle term (when he has cavities in every single
one of his teeth) and in the long term (when he gets diabetes, or any
other such nicety). Technically, I would indeed call it abuse.

Inversely, there are parents who are convinced that beating up a child
is the best thing they can do for them when the child does something
wrong. There are parents who don't enjoy beating their children at
all, but who do it anyway because they feel they have to do it if they
want their children to grow up well.

On a lesser degree, I suffered some verbal abuse from one of my aunts,
who would often criticise me whenever she saw me (not often,
thankfully :-) in the hope to force me to act and do and be "better".
I think she really thought she was doing a good thing, even if in fact
she made me feel horrible and made my already fragile self-esteem even
more fragile.

So abuse cannot be determined simply on the intentions. It's a subtle
mixture of intentions and actions. This is why legally Dudley wasn't
abused, even though his parents turned him into a total freak, which
is abuse in my opinion.

Del