The good Slytherin (mild TBAY)

[nkafkafi]

No: HPFGUIDX 131419

To: Betsy Horridporrid

It was brought to our attention that some of the things you have
written in this forum might imply that there is no proof that the
House of Slytherin is Evil. Enclosed please find the canon-proven list
of our members with their grades in our official S.N.A.K.E. (Seriously
Nasty, Amazingly Kewl Evil) test:


Tom Riddle (murderer at 16, currently an evil overlord): O
 
Salazar Slytherin (invented the pureblood mania, slipped a basilisk
into Hogwarts): O

Lucius Malfoy (DE, slips deadly diaries to little girls): E

Bellatrix Black-Lestrange (DE, professional sadist): E

Rudolphus Lestrange (DE): E

Evan Rosier (DE, deceased): E

Wilkes (DE, deceased): E

Avery (DE and sycophant): E
 
Narcissa Black-Malfoy (DE's wife, took part in the Kreacher plot): A

Draco Malfoy (DE's son and proud of it, member of Umbridge's IS): A 

Vincent Crabbe (DE's son, member of Umbridge's IS): A

Gregory Goyle (DE's son, member of Umbridge's IS): A

Pansy Parkinson (member of Umbridge's IS): P

Bulstrode Millicent (member of Umbridge's IS): P

Montague (member of Umbridge's IS): P

Theodore Nott (DE's son, loyalty unknown): P

Marcus Flint (Quidditch Captain, never heard about fair play): D

Severus Snape (ex-DE, currently an Order member, not-nice): D

The Bloody Baron (scary ghost, covered in blood, loyalty unknown): D

Phineas Nigellus (not-very-nice but on Dumbledore's side): T


Notes: 

Severus Snape's appeal to raise his grade from T to D, despite working
for Dumbledore, was granted due to his past record as a DE and his
excellent current efforts in terrorizing school children with tragic past.

Theodore Nott's grade was demoted from A to P despite being a DE's
son, due to his failure to supply us with any concrete canon that he's
Not A Nice Person.

Several excellent baddies (Rabastan Lestrange, Nott Sr., Crabbe Sr.,
Goyle Sr.), who could have raised the house statistics (see below)
even further, unfortunately had to be rejected since they could not
provide definite canon that they were in Slytherin House. 


House Statistics:
 
10% Outstanding (evil overlords or their worthy ancestors thereof).
30% Exceed Expectations (unrepented DEs).
20% Acceptable (have close connections with DEs and behave accordingly).
20% Poor (merely serving in the Inquisitorial Squad).
15% Dreadful (merely playing unfair is not enough in our House).
5% Troll (support Dumbledore).


Summary: as you can see, 80% of our canon members had passed the SNAKE
test with a grade of P or higher, and 60% with a grade of A or higher.
We would also like to draw your attention to the fact that during the
period known as the Years of Terror (VW1) the proportion of DEs, out
of our all canon-approved Slytherins of the then proper age, was 100%
(hundred percents!). We earnestly wish that you would not judge our
whole house by the small minority of exceptions which haven't managed
to follow our high standards. Even if the legendary being known as
"the good Slytherin" will be proved, at some point in the future, to
actually exist, we trust that you won't see it as a slur on our house.
As a whole, the House of Slytherin is Evil, Evil, Evil.


Sincerely,

The Slytherin Alumni