Amortentia and re The morality of love potions/Merope and Tom Sr.

[justcarol67]

No: HPFGUIDX 152305

Alla wrote:
> 
> Could you give me an example of Merope being a victim in her
> relationship with Tom Riddle? I mean, I don't think anybody would
> argue that she was the victim of horrible abuse, but how is it in
> any way, shape or form diminishes the wrongness of what she did to
> that poor man?
> 
> He did not ASK for his life to be destroyed, as you said he never
> remarried. I speculate that he was so traumatised that he was unable
> to rebuild his life ever again, basically the woman he loved was
> taken away from him, IMO.
> 
> And I am also not talking about Tom Riddle general character, for
> all we know as somebody told me he could have been a real jerk in
> his relationship with the world in general. But it is irrelevant IMO.
<snip>
> 
> Carol said that it took an act of courage from Merope to stop
> feeding him love potion.
> 
> Well, maybe, although the fact that she indeed stopped makes me also
> be MORE hard on her, not LESS. Because IMO it means that she cannot
> claim "insanity" or something like that as her defense.
> 
> To me it means that she knew right from wrong and that makes in my
> book her crime even more horrifying.
><snip>
> 
> As I said, I speculate he was too traumatised to ever think about 
> building relationship with anybody ever again.
> 
> I can easily imagine him replaying in his head what Merope did to 
> him and thinking that his former love Cecilia can be just like 
> Merope and can also "hoodwink" him. I can easily imagine him 
> thinking that maybe he also does not love Cecilia, but only thinks 
> he does.

Carol responds:
First, I'm very curious as to whether any *male* list members would
classify what happened to Tom Sr. as "rape." IMO, it's more like
seduction and entrapment into marriage (admittedly not justifiable or
moral actions), and it's his inability to marry the woman of his
choice that upsets him and causes him to be a recluse in his parents'
house. Most men simply don't suffer PSTS after a sexual experience (or
more than one) that they don't even remember. IMO, he finds himself
trapped in a marriage to an ugly, poverty-stricken girl that he has
scorned and laughed at, one with even more disgusting relatives, and
who turns out to have literally bewitched him. To be fair, he's
probably afraid that any child of hers will turn out like Morfin and
he can't tell the truth about what happened, so he claims that he was
"hoodwinked" into marrying her, implying that she told him she was
pregnant before the marriage. However, if that were the case and she
were not really pregnant, he probably could have had the marriage
annulled even in 1930s England. The villagers must have wondered why
he didn't do so--or realized that she was really pregnant and that he
was trapped into the marriage, like it or not. Divorce would probably
not, at that time, have been an option. (Correct me if I'm wrong.) I
doubt very much that he would have been too traumatized to remarry if
he had known that Merope was dead. He simply didn't bother to inquire
about her, and consequently never knew that he was free.

If Tom were merely the victim of unwanted sex with a girl he was
repulsed by, he could have gotten over it just as men get over having
sex with girls they don't know after having had too many drinks, or
encounters with prostitutes that they later regret but don't spend
their lives reliving and repenting. Men don't make a big deal about
losing their virginity or undesirable sex partners unless there are
other consequences like venereal disease or the woman's pregnancy.
IMO, it wasn't the sex so much as the marriage that in his view ruined
his life. But he has lost his status as the village's most eligible
bachelor and his chance to marry a pretty girl who shares his social
class and values (such as they are). It's like Lucius Malfoy tricked
into marrying an ugly Muggle--utter disgrace from his point of view.
So, yes, Tom's a victim, but that doesn't justify his treatment of
Merope, much less of their innocent child. (How is allowing his child
to grow up unacknowledged in an orphanage better than placing a child
with unloving relatives like the Dursleys? Tom Sr. has no way of
knowing that his child isn't being abused because he doesn't
investigate, and he himself is guilty of neglect.)

I didn't say that Tom Sr. abused Merope, except by abandoning her to
her fate, which he must have known was far worse than his. (See
previous post.) Once he got over the initial outrage and humiliation,
he should have seen that she, a lifelong victim of abuse, only wanted
to be loved, that she was sorry for her mistake, that as a fellow
human being, she deserved to be treated with compassion even though
she had hurt him. Does being sorry and trying to make amends for a
mistake count for nothing? With her upbringing, it's a wonder that she
ever realized that he had rights, too, and that he didn't really love
her and ought to be released from the effects of the potion. To be
wholly rejected, to be thrown onto her own very limited resources
without money or shelter or help of any kind was just cruel.

If Merope's having been a victim doesn't justify her treatment of Tom,
which grew out of an unrealistic desire to be loved which she repented
and tried to undo, how does her half-unwitting and repented abuse of
him excuse his treatment of her? He lost his marital prospects; she
was condemned, along with her unborn child, to a life of misery. I
don't understand how you can condemn the Dursleys' treatment of Harry
and not condemn Tom Sr.'s treatment of Tom Jr., if not of Merope, who
was young, uneducated, depressed, poverty-stricken and helpless, with
or without her magic, which could provide neither food nor money. No
one deserves that sort of life. Two wrongs do not make a right. If
your wife or husband abuses you, you do not have the right to abuse
him or her in return.

Merope, after having sinned or erred or whatever you want to call it,
repented. She did what was right, not what was easy, by telling Tom
the truth. He, however, did not forgive her or relent in his cold,
cruel punishment of her transgression. He blamed her, abandoned her
and their child, and went off to live with his parents, not providing
her with a penny. He did what was easy, not what was right. He should
not have taken revenge, allowing her to suffer and die. He should have
set aside his own injured pride and prospects and provided for them.
He had money. They did not. He had a moral obligation to care for his
child regardless of the circumstances of its conception. And his
injuries did not justify deliberate cruelty and neglect toward someone
who had asked his forgiveness.

Compassion. Mercy. Forgiveness. That's what this book is about, as
Dumbledore, the champion of second chances, repeatedly demonstrates.
Tom Sr. failed to show any of those virtues, and by so doing, he
condemned Merope to death, his child to life in an orphanage, and
himself to unproductive self-pity and seclusion.

Carol, who can understand Tom Sr.'s conduct but cannot condone it and
does not think that any mistake should be punished with misery like
Merope's