TBAY: Waiting for the Last Can(n)on

[elfundeb]

No: HPFGUIDX 172033

The sun shone brightly on Theory Bay.  Debbie sat on the pier while a light
breeze was playing with the waves, which sparkled brilliantly in the sun.

However, all was not well. Many of the ships that once plied the
waters of the Bay were long gone. Some had been sunk, while others
sailed off long ago for the world of fanfic. The captains of the few
remaining ships were attempting to anchor them to the shifting sands on
the floor of the Bay as best they could with very long ropes.

Onshore, many residents had piled all their favorite theories into their
cars,
and a traffic jam was beginning to form as they filed down the sole
road out of town, where a sign read "Deathly Hallows: __ Days."  Other, more
hardy -- or perhaps foolhardy, residents were busy nailing plywood over
their
windows. Even Faith could be seen closing the hurricane shutters on her
sturdy cottage.

Debbie heard a rumbling on the horizon. Hurricane Jo was rapidly nearing,
and the thunder of the approaching Last Can(n)on was getting louder.
Thinking maybe a fortifying drink was called for,
Speedy headed for the Royal George Tavern, where a small cadre of List
Elves, having been deemed essential employees and forbidden to leave town,
were still trading drinks and last-minute theories, each one wilder
than the last. Through the open window, Debbie could hear a voice she
recognized as Colebiancardi pontificating, "You know, theorizing could be
simplified if we all remembered just a few simple rules:

"1. all children of eligible age were probably fathered by Severus Snape.
2. all beautiful witches (alive or deceased) had an affair with Severus
Snape.
3. Siblings whose eye color isn't the same are not really related.
4. Dumbledore had no idea that Snape has been so busy.
5. Dumbledore had no idea that eye color was a determining factor in
relations.
6. Merope, with her "heavy" face MUST be directly related to Eileen,
with her "heavy" brows. throw out the DNA tests!! Color of Eyes and
anything Heavy is enough to be related."

"Hear, hear," shouted the others.

Then Debbie heard Sherry call out, "What about the Lily corollary?
Lily Evans was desired by and had a fling with every male character in
the story who was around up to the time of her death!"

Colebiancardi snorted, "I am coming to the conclusion that Lily didn't EVEN
give birth - it was all a ruse. Dumbledore, like Zeus with Athena,
birthed Harry from his head."

Amid the laughter, Debbie heard Betsy HP reply, "Nah, it was MPreg.
Dumbledore
the father, Snape the mother. Hence the complete trust. How can you not
completely trust the mother of your child?"

More laughter. "How about this?"  Debbie recognized Goddlefrood's voice.
"Every male character and female character, including the dead
ones, met so far are no further removed than 3rd cousins. It's
surprising they don't all look MORE alike. And every object, person
and being met so far is a Horcrux for someone else!"

Debbie pushed the door open and surveyed the scene. "Why aren't you
all preparing for Hurricane Jo?" inquired Debbie. "Shouldn't we be arranging
for body bags or something?  Or do you think the Bay will survive the Last
Can(n)on?"

Betsy HP waved her finger at a barstool, "Sit down, order a drink and
relax.  Not all the theories are leaving town.  Some will certainly survive.
Especially the Snapetheories."  She gave Debbie an arch look.

Debbie surveyed the fortress-like walls of George's trusty
tavern. "Did you know George started life as a Snapetheory?  I bet we'll be
safe here.  And there's the good ship L.O.L.L.I.P.O.P.S ." Debbie peered out
the window at a large ship anchored in the
center of the Bay. A very large crew was busy scrubbing the decks.  "It's as
ready for the Last Can(n)on as any craft.  In fact, I'm willing to bet quite
a few galleons that the L.O.L.L.I.P.O.P.S.
will survive."

"But it won't be the same," lamented Ceridwen. "Visiting Theory Bay will be
like going sightseeing -- just monuments to the victors and all the
rest in ruins."

"I hope not.  I bet there will be many unresolved questions.  People will be
building new vessels -- and maybe refurbishing some old ones.  Look at
these!"  Debbie fished into her pocket and pulled out a bracelet containing
at least a dozen rusty charms.

"Memory charms," said Debbie proudly.  "I got them cheap from Kirstini's
Souvenir Stand after OOP.  Someone declared them sunk, but I knew better."

Debbie noticed more than a few patronizing glances from the patrons, who
very kindly kept silent instead

"And then there's Stoned!Harry.  Nobody talks about him anymore, but he
never left." Speedy pointed to a lone figure doing a lazy backstroke across
the bow of the L.O.L.L.I.P.O.P.S.

"I've never heard of Stoned!Harry," snorted Ceridwen.

"Why, Stoned!Harry was the embodiment of
the Philosopher's Stone!" replied Debbie. "He used to swim around the Bay,
where he was co-opted by posters with all kinds of immortality,
loss-of-powers and sacrifice theories.  Stoned!Harry disappeared after OOP.
No one knew where he was.  We found out later that he was in rehab, where he
tweaked himself a bit and then after HBP emerged with a new name. He likes
to be called Harrycrux nowadays, but he's also a big player of Behind the
Veil games.  I've become rather fond of him."

Debbie gazed wistfully at Stoned!Harrycrux, wondering if he was
destined to drown, and was shaken out of her reverie only when Alla
shook her arm. "I was asking you if you had any last-minute theories.
Really good ones."

"I already posted my theory about how ESE!Gred and Forge are going to
go back to the good side and cause Voldemort's defeat by making his
wand turn into a rubber chicken. You want me to top that?"

"Yes! Theories! Theories," shouted the now-tipsy patrons of the
George.

"Well, all right, I'll think of something." After procuring a margarita
from the bar, Debbie took a sip and glanced out the window again, where she
spied the rusting hulk of the Fourth Man Hovercraft lying upside
down at the far end of the beach. "Poor Avery. Elkins once covered
him in glory by claiming that this functionless character was the
Fourth Man in the Pensieve. But ever since OOP sunk all the Fourth Man
Avery theories, he has been wandering the Bay like a ghost. No one has seen
fit to him a new narrative function. I guess it's up to me.

"What do we know about Avery? Not much, except that he's a favorite
punching bag, er, Crucio victim, of the Dark Lord's. Why does he put
up with this?"  Debbie paused to heighten the effect.

"Why, Avery is not a Death Eater at all. He is Dumbledore's man, through
and through. Another one of Dumbledore's useful spies. One who knows
how to act, I might add, playing the role of the foolish sycophant
while expertly planting disinformation. Look how much time the Dark
Lord wasted trying to get the likes of Sturgis Podmore and Unspeakable
Bode to remove the prophecy from the DoM, all because *Avery* told him
that Bode would be able to remove it. If not for the miraculous escape
of Rookwood and the other DEs from Azkaban, Voldy might still be
Imperiusing various victims to try it.

"And in the Graveyard, remember how Avery cleverly deflected nosy
questions from Resurrected!Voldy by stepping forward and, in an Oscar-
worthy performance, accepted blame for failing to seek out Vapormort
all those years?

"You know, I bet Dumbledore helped Avery weasel his way out of trouble
by claiming he was Imperius'd. Because Avery was a more important spy
than that silly potions master, and his cover had to be protected at
all costs! And, unlike that other supposed spy, Snapeypoo, Avery lays
his body on the line and takes the consequences. Can you imagine
Snivellus allowing himself to be Crucio'ed for the cause? Nah, he
signs on for the C.H.O.P. assignment."

"C.H.O.P.?" asked Alla.

"Cranium of Headmaster On Platter. Great theory, enshrined forever in
the Canon Museum. And speaking of that greasy-haired slimeball, people
may think he's a fabulous double agent, but, Alla, mark my words, you
will be proven right. He is the world's best Occlumens. And Ever. So.
Evil."

"I'll drink to that," cried Alla, raising her glass.

The rumblings in the distance were growing noticeably louder. "Only a
few hours left," observed Debbie. "Who's going to serve up the
next theory?"

Debbie
who doesn't really believe Snape is ESE!  (or Lupin, for that matter)

and who didn't make up the theories ascribed to other posters; they did

Most of the theories alluded to in this post are described in Hypothetic
Alley:
http://www.hpfgu.org.uk/faq/hypotheticalley.html


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