'Twas etc. part 2

[Barry Arrowsmith]

The story so far...

"Hermione Granger? Currently trading under the name of Madam  
Whiplash? You will be visited by three spirits..."

Now read on....

Madam's lips compressed and her eyes narrowed. "If you think that I'm  
gonna allow that bloody Poltergeist in here again, you've got another  
think coming," snarled her Ladyship. "We had enough trouble last  
time. Tassels are not, repeat not, supposed to zoom all over the  
place like golden snitches -  they're supposed to stay put. And a  
rubber duck isn't supposed to behave like that either - the girls've  
point-blank refused to perform the 'Take Me To Your Leda'  tableau  
ever since."

"No, no, nothing like that," interjected the voice hurriedly. "This  
is about you, to  turn you into a better person."

"Oh, really? Just what are you implying, sunshine? Any more of that  
kind of talk  and you'll find yourself voicing your opinions out of  
the back end of a dysenteric dragon."

"Don't blame me, I'm just the messenger. Look, I've gotta go; I've  
got to do the voice-over for another of Sybil's funny turns. Expect  
the first spirit in ten minutes... maybe twenty... say half an hour  
tops. It's the busy time of year," he added apologetically. "Bye, now!"

Hermione paced up and down distractedly, muttering to herself.  
"Better person, indeed. What cheek! I'm already better than this  
lot." She glanced at the pictures on the wall; Nefertiti ( plus added  
squint), Morgan le Fay (protruding teeth - a result of the swap Hermy  
had done back in her Hogwart's days); Helen of Troy - with zits,  
("All that Greece-y food," observed Hermione).

The Pensieve began to bubble gently and a glowing mist formed above  
the surface, gradually solidifying to form a vaguely recognisable face.

"L-let us look at your p-past," said a voice "and s-see if w-w-we can  
f-find out w-where it all w-went wrong."

"You!" breathed Hermione, "Quirrell!"

"Y-yes. I am the awful example, g-good overcome b-by evil."

"Lose the stutter, matey. We all know that was a put-on. And nobody   
believes this "good overcome by evil" tale either. Load of rubbish.  
And don't try that old "I was Imperio'ed" clap-trap, those that are  
obey their orders, they don't debate 'em like you did. Your story's  
got more holes in it than Droopy's vest. Now push off - I'm busy."

"I c-cannot. T-the supervisor's watching and i-if I  don't meet m-my  
targets I'll be d-demoted to being a cold draught in a s-spooky mansion.
Now t-touch the surface with your w-wand."

She did so and a kaleidoscopic stream of memories erupted: aged 4,  
financing her 'My Little Pony' addiction by selling candid snaps of  
the milkman and Mrs Johnson next door; at 8 prising a beloved doll  
from the hands of her best  friend - "We're playing Bar-B-Qs -  and  
it's Barbie who gets cued"; aged 10, throwing a tantrum in the  
library when "Of Human Bondage" and "Fanny By Gaslight" weren't quite  
what she expected; torching the English teacher's car for giving her  
only 97% .....

"Ah! Stop! Stop! It's awful! Terrible! How could I?" Hermione was on  
her knees, hiding her face in her hands.

"Y-you see?"

"Yes! Yes! That hair! The teeth! Those shoes! And pink plastic  
simpering ponies! Arrgh! If anyone sees that playback I'll die of  
embarrassment!"

There was a pause.

"I t-think we need to work at t-this a bit more c-constructively. The  
next s-spirit will be along m-momentarily."

With that his features blurred and dissipated. Plinkety-plonk music  
could be heard, "Thank you for holding. Maintaining customer  
satisfaction is very import-"

"Hermione?"

"Oh, for Merlin's sake! Not you?"

"Yes. It is I - Sirius Black."


Uh-oh.
Will the Godfather make her an offer she can't refuse?
Tune in to the next revelatory episode!