NUMPTIES, anyone?

[Barry Arrowsmith]

Right.
You'll have done your WOMBATs, now here's your chance to put some  
meaningful letters after your name (NUMPTIE - Nearly Unanswerable  
Perplexing Magical Teasers: Intermediate Exam).

Question 1.
Two wizard brothers find a Remembrall in the street. Each claims  
possession and a rancorous exchange ensues, degenerating into a "and  
I've never forgiven you for what you said at our Ethel's funeral"  
type recrimination.
Which body orifice should the healers at St Mungo's examine first in  
their search for the Remembrall? Illustrate with diagrams.


Question 2.
Given that:

n([B x Pk] + [Gs - WFw]) = X

Where B = bonfires, Pk = phlogiston constant, Gs is the unfortunate  
conflagration that consumes the garden shed next door, WFw is the  
number of  wizards letting off no-heat fireworks and n = number of  
Halloween parties per 100 wizards (Flabberworts standard variable),  
calculate the annual contribution to global warming by celebrations  
in Berwick-on-Tweed (X). Show your working.


Question 3.
You discover that He-who-must-not-be-named is living next door.
Do you:
a) call the Aurors
b) change the name of your house to "Dunmugglin"
c) move


Question 4.
You are illegally breeding dragons (for export) in London.
Do you:
a) develop fire-proof owls to ensure a reliable delivery service
b) sell fire insurance (on commission) to your Muggle neighbours
c) submit a tender for providing the Olympic flame for the 2012 Games
d) think you can get away with it


Question 5.
A know-it-all witch has screwed up causality by the unauthorised and  
thoughtless use of a Time-turner. You must draw up a detailed and  
comprehensible description of the way reality has been changed.  
Accurate phrasing is necessary.
Give the future past present transitive indefinite imperfect  
subjunctives of:
a) transmogrify
b) then
c) cock-up


Question 6.
Compare the distinguishing emotional and physical effects between:
a) aphrodisiacs
b) love philtres
c) Veela infestations
d) winning a complimentary pass to Madam Whiplash's establishment.


Question 7.
Describe, using gestures, the characteristics of spells cast from a  
bindweed wand.


Question 8.
Many strange objects can be found in the Muggle world. With the aid  
of diagrams describe three (3) common uses for each of the following  
(answer 2 out of 5):
a) a left-hand ratchet screwdriver
b) a clockwork mouse
c) the Eiffel Tower
d) an abdomicizer
e) wax fruit


Question  9.
Give brief explanations for, and state what actions you would take,  
in each of the following situations:
a) an acquaintance has a leather footstool, the covering of which  
becomes hairy whenever there's a full moon.
b) you notice that a large black dog always seems to be following you  
around, you keep seeing someone who resembles you *very* closely and  
your lifeline seems to have vanished from your palm.
c) while pottering around in the kitchen looking for your spectacles,  
you come across a toad beneath the sink - and under it are some  
broken egg shells.


Question 10.
You need to capture
a) a dragon
b) a vampire

Describe how you would accomplish this using the following items:
i) two pork chops
ii) a bunch of daffodils
iii) a virgin
iv) a banjo (tuned to the key of G)
v) a book of logarithmic tables