NUMPTIES, anyone?

[Talisman]

--- In the_old_crowd at yahoogroups.com, Barry Arrowsmith 
<arrowsmithbt at ...> wrote:

>Right. You'll have done your WOMBATs, now here's your chance to put
>some meaningful letters after your name (NUMPTIE - Nearly
>Unanswerable Perplexing Magical Teasers: Intermediate Exam).

Talisman, who has never fully comprehended the meaning of
rhetorical, takes a stab.

>Question 1.
>Two wizard brothers find a Remembrall in the street. Each claims
>possession and a rancorous exchange ensues, degenerating into
>a "and I've never forgiven you for what you said at our Ethel's
>funeral" type recrimination. Which body orifice should the healers
>at St Mungo's examine first in their search for the Remembrall?
>Illustrate with diagrams.

Answer:
Depends on what they're into, doesn't it.  Diagrams under separate
(brown paper) cover.

>Question 2.
>Given that: n([B x Pk] + [Gs - WFw]) = X Where B = bonfires, Pk =
>phlogiston constant, Gs is the unfortunate conflagration that
>consumes the garden shed next door, WFw is the number of wizards
>letting off no-heat fireworks and n = number of Halloween parties
>per 100 wizards (Flabberworts standard variable), calculate the
>annual contribution to global warming by celebrations in Berwick-on-
>Tweed (X). Show your working.

Answer:
___
DT (Y)=(GE(Y)*X)-[0.25*R]lR-30 + 0.25 *[R-30 -1
.......................30lR-1............30....
lR-59 + 0.12 lR-22  ±0.25(° C)
lR-30........lR-17

or equivalent approx. 3 liters mooncalf flatulence.


>Question 3. 
>You discover that He-who-must-not-be-named is living
>next door. Do you:
>a) call the Aurors
>b) change the name of your house to "Dunmugglin"
>c) move

Answer:
Ha. As if you'd live next door to anyone.

>Question 4.
>You are illegally breeding dragons (for export) in London.
>Do you:
>a) develop fire-proof owls to ensure a reliable delivery service
>b) sell fire insurance (on commission) to your Muggle neighbours
>c) submit a tender for providing the Olympic flame for the 2012
>Games
>d) think you can get away with it

Answer:
(d.) It works for Republicans.

>Question 5. 
>A know-it-all witch has screwed up causality by the
>unauthorized and thoughtless use of a Time-turner. You must draw up
>a detailed and comprehensible description of the way reality has
>been changed.
>Accurate phrasing is necessary. Give the future past present
>transitive indefinite imperfect subjunctives of:
>a) transmogrify
>b) then
>c) cock-up

Answer:
I wondered who had my organizer. Give it back.


>Question 6. 
>Compare the distinguishing emotional and physical
>effects between:
>a) aphrodisiacs
>b) love philtres
>c) Veela infestations
>d) winning a complimentary pass to Madam Whiplash's establishment.

Answer:
At Mdm.W's, you don't have to go it alone.


>Question 7. 
>Describe, using gestures, the characteristics of spells
>cast from a bindweed wand.

Answer:
::gestures vigorously::  I do hope you were watching.


>Question 8. 
>Many strange objects can be found in the Muggle world.
>With the aid of diagrams describe three (3) common uses for each of
>the following (answer 2 out of 5):
>a) a left-hand ratchet screwdriver
>b) a clockwork mouse
>c) the Eiffel Tower
>d) an abdomicizer
>e) wax fruit

Answer:
a) A left-hand ratchet screwdriver is great for:
1) gesturing on the highway;
2) showing off by tightening the springs on your abdomicizer while
doing right-handed push-ups; and
3) flinging wax fruit.

e) Waxed fruit has many uses.
1) It is always available, even when Mdm.W isn't;
2) it can be ignored indefinitely, without becoming petulant; and
3) it can be worn in the pants for formal occasions.


>Question 9. 
>Give brief explanations for, and state what actions you
>would take, in each of the following situations:

>a) an acquaintance has a leather footstool, the covering of which
>becomes hairy whenever there's a full moon.

Answer:
a) You finally realize what a bastard her ex was; you send her a
basket of sympathy muffins.

>Question 9
>b) you notice that a large black dog always seems to be following
>you around, you keep seeing someone who resembles you *very* closely
>and your lifeline seems to have vanished from your palm.

Answer:
b) Hit the speed dial button for AL-ANON, it's time to check back in.

>Question 9
>c) while pottering around in the kitchen looking for your
>spectacles, you come across a toad beneath the sink - and under it
>are some broken egg shells.

Answer:
c) This is your lucky night. Cancel your singles ad and set another
place for dinner.


>Question 10.
>You need to capture
>a) a dragon
>b) a vampire
>Describe how you would accomplish this using the following items:
>i) two pork chops
>ii) a bunch of daffodils
>iii) a virgin
>iv) a banjo (tuned to the key of G)
>v) a book of logarithmic tables

Answer:
Standard theory suggests shoving a pork chop under each arm of the
virgin, whom you've dressed only in the banjo's G-string, wheeling
this mess out to the backyard, and hiding behind the bunch of
daffodils.  When the dragon and vampire come sniffing around, jump
out and recite logarithmic tables until the prey are too giddy to
put up a fight.

However, modern wizards have lost patience with such work-intensive
practices. Today's enthusiasts have found it more satisfying to
saute the pork chops in a little Marsala; these and the daffodils
can then be offered to the virgin.  While he/she is eating, serenade
him/her with logarithmic melodies, strummed earnestly on the banjo.
As the night progresses, the vampire and the dragon will,
justifiably, begin to feel as if you have no interest in them, at
all.  Once they realize you're happy without them, they'll be
phoning and hanging around your doorstep, ceaselessly. At that point
it is very easy to toss on a few collars, should you still be
inclined.


N.B. I've included the extra 50 cents for a golden NUMTIE sticker,
please.

Talisman

Encl. Check #945768 for $39.95, and 10% off coupon from last week's
Daily Star.