NUMPTIEs - answers and marking scheme

[Barry Arrowsmith]

A load of silly questions.
Even so, ideas for responses did germinate as the questions were  
written.
Result - a load of ridiculous answers to match.
Still, helps pass the time until volume 7.

First - a confession. I dropped a bollock. Well, it was late at  
night, a fair number of tinctures of juniper had slid past my  
tonsils, and I pressed the wrong button. What was posted was a draft  
rather than the final edit.
Hence:
No 'Instructions to Candidates'.
The acronym didn't match the descriptive title - it should be  
NUMPTIEs  - Nearly Unanswerable Magically Perplexing Teasers:  
Intermediate Exam. Slightly surprising that nobody jumped on that.  
Either members were too polite to point out an error (impossible!) or  
nobody reads my posts (much more likely).
Q. 10 was changed in the final edit. Not by much: it wasn't pork  
chops, though since that's the one that was posted, that's what is  
tackled in the given answer; and *white flowered* daffodils were  
specified in the final version, you'll see why. That's the one I'm  
going for. Yep, it's cheating. So what?
[Extraneous information or comments not in the marking scheme, but  
providing interesting (or not) background are appended in square  
brackets like these.]

Question 1.
Two wizard brothers find a Remembrall in the street. Each claims  
possession and a rancorous exchange ensues, degenerating into a "and  
I've never forgiven you for what you said at our Ethel's funeral"  
type recrimination.
Which body orifice should the healers at St Mungo's examine first in  
their search for the Remembrall? Illustrate with diagrams.

Ans.
(7 marks available)
It's the recriminatory exchanges that provides the key clue for  
answering this question, since when recounting an argument certain  
phrases tend to be regularly  used.
Full marks for:
Right ear,  as in "I gave him a right earful, didn't I?"
Half marks for answers derived from "I told him to stuff it where the  
sun don't shine/where the monkey stuffs his nuts."
The wearing of robes makes this exercise somewhat unlikely in a  
public place.


Question 2.
Given that:

n([B x Pk] + [Gs - WFw]) = X

Where B = bonfires, Pk = phlogiston constant, Gs is the unfortunate  
conflagration that consumes the garden shed next door, WFw is the  
number of  wizards letting off no-heat fireworks and n = number of  
Halloween parties per 100 wizards (Flabberworts standard variable),  
calculate the annual contribution to global warming by celebrations  
in Berwick-on-Tweed (X). Show your working.

Ans.
(1 mark for answer; 12 for figuring out why)
X = 0.

Flabberworts standard variable = 8 and a bit, which tells us that the  
average number of wizards at a bonfire party is 12±2, agreeing  
closely with estimates from attendees.
The magical population of the UK is estimated as 30,000 out of a  
total of 60 million.

[The estimate of 30,000 comes from an old thread on TOL and is mostly  
based on the supposed/calculated annual admissions to Hogwarts - the  
only school for magic in the UK and every magical child being  
eligible for entry. Seems reasonable.]

Therefore the proportion of wizards in the total population of the UK  
is 1 in 2,000  (30,000 : 60,000,000).

The population of Berwick is approximately 13,500.
Applying population ratio to Berwick:
13,500 divided by 2,000  = 6.75 magical folk approx.
6.75 is *less* than the lowest number (12±2) that can be considered  
(within theoretical guidelines) to be a party. Since it's impossible  
to have a fraction of a party, then n = 0.
Any number multiplied by zero =  0.
Therefore X = 0.

[In the real, as opposed to the statistical world, things are  
slightly different. There are in fact 16 wizards in Berwick - 15 of  
them are Ministry employees (mostly skilled Obliviators) keeping a  
very close eye on the 16th, a certain Sylvestre Wells. Wells, also  
known by the pseudonym 'Arson' Wells, is unfortunately addicted to  
the spectacle of a flickering red glow in the night sky. Thus the oil- 
storage depot, the shopping centre, the castle, indeed most of the  
town, has been sacrificed, at least twice, to Wells'  little hobby.  
The Oblivators job is to make sure the Muggles never find out.
The warming effect of his activities is sufficiently high to have  
caused all the cod formerly guddling about in the North Sea to re- 
locate to the environs of Jan Mayen Island - calculated as  
approximately equivalent to 3.7 Giga-dragonblasts.]


Question 3.
You discover that He-who-must-not-be-named is living next door.
Do you:
a) call the Aurors
b) change the name of your house to "Dunmugglin"
c) move

Ans.
(6 marks available)
c), then a). In that order.


Question 4.
You are illegally breeding dragons (for export) in London.
Do you:
a) develop fire-proof owls to ensure a reliable delivery service
b) sell fire insurance (on commission) to your Muggle neighbours
c) submit a tender for providing the Olympic flame for the 2012 Games
d) think you can get away with it

Ans.
(2 marks)
d)
But you won't.
No way.
So don't even think of it.
You'll be sorry if you do.

[To highlight this point, a), b) and c) were actual activities that  
attracted the attention of The Dept. for the Regulation and Control  
of Magical Creatures. Drawing the obvious conclusions ("There's  
something funny going on here, lads") raids were organised, illegal  
dragon-related activities uncovered and the perpetrators received  
draco-nian punishment.
The search for such evil-doers continues and is relentless.  
Currently, the DftRaCoMC is investigating the anomaly of the  
increased importation of flocks of sheep (estimated at 700 animals  
per week above the 10 year rolling average) into Westminster, with no  
concomitant increase in the consumption of mint sauce or roast  
potatoes. Very suggestive. Arrests are expected soon, though the heat- 
seeking dragon trackers have been confused by the excessive  
production of hot air from a large pseudo-Gothic building in the area.]


Question 5.
A know-it-all witch has screwed up causality by the unauthorised and  
thoughtless use of a Time-turner. You must draw up a detailed and  
comprehensible description of the way reality has been changed.  
Accurate phrasing is necessary.
Give the future past present transitive indefinite imperfect  
subjunctives of:
a) transmogrify
b) then
c) cock-up

Ans.
(17 marks)
Such constructions generally follow the form taken, for example, by  
the verb 'to show'.
"He will did am a nearly complete showing."
Note that some tenses are silent and some parts of the construction  
may be invisible (temporally mislaid).
Any attempt that provides a nearly incomprehensible sentence will get  
high marks.


Question 6.
Compare the distinguishing emotional and physical effects between:
a) aphrodisiacs
b) love philtres
c) Veela infestations
d) winning a complimentary pass to Madam Whiplash's establishment.

Ans.
(14 marks. Possible 50 bonus marks, depending.)
Basically, the above have an effect that can be condensed as follows:
a) "Hur, hur, hur," *rip*
b) "Oh, my darling, the minutes we are apart stretch into agonising  
eons of bleakness.."
c) "Now, there's no need to turn nasty...."
d) "Happy days are here again..."
Marks are awarded depending on how well the candidate incorporates  
the subtleties of these paradigms into the answer. Bonus marks may be  
earned with the inclusion of details sufficiently graphic to convince  
the examiner that the candidate's studies have progressed beyond the  
merely theoretical. Particularly tasty examples should be forwarded  
to the Head Invigilator for pasting into his scrapbook.


Question 7.
Describe, using gestures, the characteristics of spells cast from a  
bindweed wand.

Ans.
(5 marks)
It does this ~~> or, if it's a left-hand twist, this <~~.
To gain full marks candidates should state the necessity for a fairly  
rigid supporting core (Phoenix tail feather, for example). Otherwise  
the wand droops alarmingly and the wielder's pedal extremities are  
liable to undergo drastic modifications. Accio!  and Expeliarmus! can  
cause particular problems.


Question 8.
Many strange objects can be found in the Muggle world. With the aid  
of diagrams describe three (3) common uses for each of the following  
(answer 2 out of 5):
a) a left-hand ratchet screwdriver
b) a clockwork mouse
c) the Eiffel Tower
d) an abdomicizer
e) wax fruit

Ans.
(1 mark per use per object - total 6)
Considerable latitude in the given answers should be allowed.
Only the plainly ridiculous should be marked down.
For example -
c) the Eiffel Tower. A sweet-pea trellis - yes; a door-stop - no.
But check diagrams to ensure the candidate knows what the named  
object actually is.


Question  9.
Give brief explanations for, and state what actions you would take,  
in each of the following situations:
a) an acquaintance has a leather footstool, the covering of which  
becomes hairy whenever there's a full moon.
b) you notice that a large black dog always seems to be following you  
around, you keep seeing someone who resembles you *very* closely and  
your lifeline seems to have vanished from your palm.
c) while pottering around in the kitchen looking for your spectacles,  
you come across a toad beneath the sink - and under it are some  
broken egg shells.

Ans.
(11 marks available)
a) Check carefully to ensure this is not a practical joke. If it  
isn't, try and keep your hands from shaking - it'd be a dead give- 
away. This is an old, very rare, very valuable, indeed unique  
artifact. Try and persuade your acquaintance that you'd like it as a  
birthday present, or offer to buy it for your dear white-haired old  
mother to rest her bunions on. You could even *borrow* it - for as  
long as  it takes you to get to B&B's emporium - and you into a  
prosperous retirement.

[Look underneath; there, nestling between the silver nails pinning  
the pelt to the frame, will be a small plaque; on it will be engraved  
an intertwined B and an L - the trademark of Barthel Llona, cabinet- 
maker to the Transylvanian Court. Five hundred years ago he was  
commissioned to produce a special piece - a throne-like chair with  
matching footstool, upholstered with the skins of 14 werewolves that  
had been ravaging the countryside and burying bones in herbaceous  
borders the length and breadth of the land. Unforgivable. To the  
relief of pernickerty gardeners everywhere they were hunted down and  
Barthel was set to his task. A difficult and dangerous job to  
undertake when a moment of carelessness can mean the loss of fingers  
to a carnivorous cushion. But he did it and this fabulous chair  
became legendary. What happened to it is lost in the mists of time,  
but it lived on in myth as the ultimate chair. Even Muggles got to  
hear of it, and nearly a hundred years ago a designer  pridefully  
decided to match the matchless and to produce a chair of wonder.Of  
course he got it all wrong, didn't even get the name right, he called  
it 'the Barcelona chair'. Idiot. But what else can one expect from  
Muggles?]

b) Check to see if you still have a pulse. If yes, put your affairs  
in order, do not start any long books and don't bother with the  
ironing -  clean shirts are the least of your worries. If there is no  
pulse, drift through a few walls until you find someone willing to  
tidy away the remains.
c) Close your eyes and run out of the house immediately. Inform the  
DftRaCoMC. Have a large drink. If you feel a bite on your leg as you  
leave, tough. See previous answer.


Question 10.
You need to capture
a) a dragon
b) a vampire

Describe how you would accomplish this using the following items:
i) two pork chops
ii) a bunch of (white flowered) daffodils
iii) a virgin
iv) a banjo (tuned to the key of G)
v) a book of logarithmic tables

Ans.
(17 marks available)
a) a dragon
i) Extract sufficient logs from the tables to construct a sturdy cage.
ii) Start strumming the banjo - plinkerty plonk plinkerty plonk plonk  
plonk. This attracts the prey from great distances - their hearing  
being their most acute sense - and neither dragons nor vampires will  
pass up the opportunity to nail a plonker.
iii) Over-cook the chops and throw them into the cage. (The smell of  
burnt meat persuades the approaching dragon that there's a feeding  
frenzy taking place and he'll rush in without checking. Drop the door  
when he's in.)
iv) Threaten him with the daffodils. If he's a Welsh Green (most  
likely in the UK) he'll roll over without a struggle (the daffodil  
being the national flower of Wales and a powerful totem). If he's  
some other breed, transfigure the daffodils into snapdragons.  
Terrified at the thought of the death by a thousand nibbles, he'll  
submit.
v) Save the virgin for later.
[Just occasionally one may encounter a dragon that does not submit.   
Forty-foot flames can have a detrimental effect on logs, daffodils  
and your complexion. To counter this, rapidly reverse the book of  
logarithms. This is known as 'turning the tables' and is a sure-fire  
way of gaining the upper hand in any dodgy situation.]

b) a vampire
i) as i) above.
ii) as ii) above
iii) Throw the virgin in the cage.
iv) Strew the white flowered daffodils around him and he'll be trapped.
(Note: white flowered daffodil aka Allium neopolitanum aka daffodil  
garlic.)
v) Save the chops for later.


Totals.
148/98 is possible if maximum bonus marks are awarded.
Watch out for anyone scoring more than 130;  they're not to be trusted.

Otherwise, grade as follows:

21 +  Outstanding
16 - 20  Exceeds Expectations
11 - 15  Acceptable
6 - 10  Poor
0 - 5  Should be fed to Fluffy. Very slowly.