NUMPTIES, anyone?

[Barry Arrowsmith]

--- In the_old_crowd at yahoogroups.com, "quigonginger" <quigonginger at ...> wrote:
>
> This post attempts to answer all 10 NUMPTIE questions with a single 
> essay.  Due to the length of the text, the questions will not be 
> repeated herein.  Please go upthread if a review is needed.
> 
> Begin by reading through the questions.  Realize that #2 is out of 
> your league as you were a music major, and therefore unable to count 
> past 4 (with hand motions).  E-mail retired Maths teacher Geoff, copy 
> and paste question #2, and await his reply.
> 
> In the meantime, find a virgin.  Place her in a tower, along with 
> daffodils, a banjo and a book of logarhimic tables to attract the 
> dragon and vampire.  Find the witch who screwed up time, tell her to 
> transmorgify her cockup, and then, before returning, to transfigure a 
> certain pig into a cow.
> 
> You will know this has been sucessful when the 2 pork chops in your 
> fridge turn to beefsteaks.  Return to the tower (with the 
> beefsteaks), checking the identity of your new neighbour whose 
> mailbox is suspiciously blank.  Call your acquaintance, who is an 
> Auror and ask him to give his hairy leather footstool to your new 
> neighbour as a housewarming gift.  Send the gift via clockwork mouse 
> in case the recipient chooses to "kill the messanger".  Include a 
> love philter for good measure.  This will lessen the chances of 
> finding a clockwork mouse in an unpleasant place.  With orifices in 
> mind... 
> 
> Stop enroute to the tower to break up a fight over a Rememberall.  
> Give the participants a complimentary pass to Madam Whiplash's with 
> instructions for Madam to check each orifice and insert into each a 
> piece of wax fruit.  This should teach them a lesson about fighting.  
> Be sure to request an illustration of orifaces post-fruiting for a 
> good laugh at the office.
> 
> Arrive at the tower and enter the room next to the one with the 
> virgin.  When the dragon and vampire show up, the vampire will change 
> into a bat to fly up to the virgin.  At this time, throw the 
> daffodils out the window at the dragon.  When he sneezes (and he will 
> sneeze- this is one of the hay-fevered dragons you have been 
> illegally breeding in London, and yes, you bloody well will get away 
> with it, having bought off the Aurors with passes to Madam W's), 
> throw the beefsteaks out the window.  The dragon's sneeze will drive 
> the steaks into the vampire, impaling him.  As everyone knows, this 
> is the only way to get rid of a vampire.
> 
> Remove the head of the banjo, and send it out with a clockwork mouse 
> to be placed under the falling vampire, who will by now be burnt to a 
> crisp.  Catch the ashes in the banjo, and have the mouse slap the 
> head back on the banjo.  Pelt the dragon with wax fruit.  He will 
> breathe fire on it, melting it.  Continue until the banjo is covered 
> with wax.  Have the mouse return it to you.  While the wax is still 
> warm, impress upon it the religious symbol of your choice.  (Athiests 
> may make squiggly lines- the vampire is in no shape to know the 
> difference.)  This will keep the vampire in there for good.
> 
> Send the virgin to clean the kitchen.  She may as well be good for 
> something.  When she reports finding a toad and eggshells, give her a 
> bindweed wand.  She won't know the difference.  Send her out to face 
> the basilisk.  Give her an aphrodisiac.  She's already screwed, she 
> may as well enjoy it.
> 
> Return your attention to the dragon.  Summon a large number of Veela 
> for his amusement and a last meal.  Read to him the from the book of 
> logarithemic tables.  He will die of boredom.  
> 
> Go home and have tea.  Set a bowl of wax fruit on the counter to look 
> pretty.  Wind up the clockwork mouse and have it do tricks to amuse 
> you as you wait for Geoff to return your e-mail. 
> 
> Copy and paste the answer here:
> 
> 
> 
> Send in your answers to Kneasy.  Get your results.  E-mail Geoff and 
> ask him to divide the answer in 2 so that you might share the results 
> with him properly.  Make a note to take a remedial Maths class.  Note 
> that a large black dog has been following you around.  Breathe a sigh 
> of relief that you won't have to be bothered with that Maths class.
> 
> Ginger, hoping she got everything.
>

Oh, dear.
Um.. how can I put this?
Ah, you haven't had some funny tasting mushrooms recently, have you?
Sure?
Well, OK then. 
We'll put it down to exam nerves, scholastic stress, or something. 
Or perhaps an overdose of RPGs, all that dashing from one task to another, 
carrying this to that and meanwhile keeping a firm grip on your......banjo. 
Y-e-e-e-s.

I have to  inform you that the Board of Examiners has not (yet) been able
to reach  a firm conclusion. Opinions vary from "Brilliant!  Superb!" (this
from Gurky Lamsmiler who watches Czech experimental art films for *fun*),
right across to Boudicca de Medici who wants you slowly roasted for seeking
outside assistance during an exam - and admitting it.

Why, that's very like cheating. Tut. Can't have that. 
I fear that at best - which would involve the massive sedation of one or two
of the Board - the very best you could hope for would be 'Acceptable'. 
Perhaps if you had managed a little something entertaining regarding Veelas
or Madam Whiplash, then the Chairman might have been sufficiently distracted
for an 'EE' to be slid under the owl without anyone noticing.
Shame, really.
Commiserations.

Kneasy