NUMPTIES, anyone?

quigonginger quigonginger at quigonginger.yahoo.invalid
Thu Apr 13 12:35:55 UTC 2006


This post attempts to answer all 10 NUMPTIE questions with a single 
essay.  Due to the length of the text, the questions will not be 
repeated herein.  Please go upthread if a review is needed.

Begin by reading through the questions.  Realize that #2 is out of 
your league as you were a music major, and therefore unable to count 
past 4 (with hand motions).  E-mail retired Maths teacher Geoff, copy 
and paste question #2, and await his reply.

In the meantime, find a virgin.  Place her in a tower, along with 
daffodils, a banjo and a book of logarhimic tables to attract the 
dragon and vampire.  Find the witch who screwed up time, tell her to 
transmorgify her cockup, and then, before returning, to transfigure a 
certain pig into a cow.

You will know this has been sucessful when the 2 pork chops in your 
fridge turn to beefsteaks.  Return to the tower (with the 
beefsteaks), checking the identity of your new neighbour whose 
mailbox is suspiciously blank.  Call your acquaintance, who is an 
Auror and ask him to give his hairy leather footstool to your new 
neighbour as a housewarming gift.  Send the gift via clockwork mouse 
in case the recipient chooses to "kill the messanger".  Include a 
love philter for good measure.  This will lessen the chances of 
finding a clockwork mouse in an unpleasant place.  With orifices in 
mind... 

Stop enroute to the tower to break up a fight over a Rememberall.  
Give the participants a complimentary pass to Madam Whiplash's with 
instructions for Madam to check each orifice and insert into each a 
piece of wax fruit.  This should teach them a lesson about fighting.  
Be sure to request an illustration of orifaces post-fruiting for a 
good laugh at the office.

Arrive at the tower and enter the room next to the one with the 
virgin.  When the dragon and vampire show up, the vampire will change 
into a bat to fly up to the virgin.  At this time, throw the 
daffodils out the window at the dragon.  When he sneezes (and he will 
sneeze- this is one of the hay-fevered dragons you have been 
illegally breeding in London, and yes, you bloody well will get away 
with it, having bought off the Aurors with passes to Madam W's), 
throw the beefsteaks out the window.  The dragon's sneeze will drive 
the steaks into the vampire, impaling him.  As everyone knows, this 
is the only way to get rid of a vampire.

Remove the head of the banjo, and send it out with a clockwork mouse 
to be placed under the falling vampire, who will by now be burnt to a 
crisp.  Catch the ashes in the banjo, and have the mouse slap the 
head back on the banjo.  Pelt the dragon with wax fruit.  He will 
breathe fire on it, melting it.  Continue until the banjo is covered 
with wax.  Have the mouse return it to you.  While the wax is still 
warm, impress upon it the religious symbol of your choice.  (Athiests 
may make squiggly lines- the vampire is in no shape to know the 
difference.)  This will keep the vampire in there for good.

Send the virgin to clean the kitchen.  She may as well be good for 
something.  When she reports finding a toad and eggshells, give her a 
bindweed wand.  She won't know the difference.  Send her out to face 
the basilisk.  Give her an aphrodisiac.  She's already screwed, she 
may as well enjoy it.

Return your attention to the dragon.  Summon a large number of Veela 
for his amusement and a last meal.  Read to him the from the book of 
logarithemic tables.  He will die of boredom.  

Go home and have tea.  Set a bowl of wax fruit on the counter to look 
pretty.  Wind up the clockwork mouse and have it do tricks to amuse 
you as you wait for Geoff to return your e-mail. 

Copy and paste the answer here:



Send in your answers to Kneasy.  Get your results.  E-mail Geoff and 
ask him to divide the answer in 2 so that you might share the results 
with him properly.  Make a note to take a remedial Maths class.  Note 
that a large black dog has been following you around.  Breathe a sigh 
of relief that you won't have to be bothered with that Maths class.

Ginger, hoping she got everything.







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