NUMPTIES, anyone?
quigonginger
quigonginger at quigonginger.yahoo.invalid
Thu Apr 13 12:35:55 UTC 2006
This post attempts to answer all 10 NUMPTIE questions with a single
essay. Due to the length of the text, the questions will not be
repeated herein. Please go upthread if a review is needed.
Begin by reading through the questions. Realize that #2 is out of
your league as you were a music major, and therefore unable to count
past 4 (with hand motions). E-mail retired Maths teacher Geoff, copy
and paste question #2, and await his reply.
In the meantime, find a virgin. Place her in a tower, along with
daffodils, a banjo and a book of logarhimic tables to attract the
dragon and vampire. Find the witch who screwed up time, tell her to
transmorgify her cockup, and then, before returning, to transfigure a
certain pig into a cow.
You will know this has been sucessful when the 2 pork chops in your
fridge turn to beefsteaks. Return to the tower (with the
beefsteaks), checking the identity of your new neighbour whose
mailbox is suspiciously blank. Call your acquaintance, who is an
Auror and ask him to give his hairy leather footstool to your new
neighbour as a housewarming gift. Send the gift via clockwork mouse
in case the recipient chooses to "kill the messanger". Include a
love philter for good measure. This will lessen the chances of
finding a clockwork mouse in an unpleasant place. With orifices in
mind...
Stop enroute to the tower to break up a fight over a Rememberall.
Give the participants a complimentary pass to Madam Whiplash's with
instructions for Madam to check each orifice and insert into each a
piece of wax fruit. This should teach them a lesson about fighting.
Be sure to request an illustration of orifaces post-fruiting for a
good laugh at the office.
Arrive at the tower and enter the room next to the one with the
virgin. When the dragon and vampire show up, the vampire will change
into a bat to fly up to the virgin. At this time, throw the
daffodils out the window at the dragon. When he sneezes (and he will
sneeze- this is one of the hay-fevered dragons you have been
illegally breeding in London, and yes, you bloody well will get away
with it, having bought off the Aurors with passes to Madam W's),
throw the beefsteaks out the window. The dragon's sneeze will drive
the steaks into the vampire, impaling him. As everyone knows, this
is the only way to get rid of a vampire.
Remove the head of the banjo, and send it out with a clockwork mouse
to be placed under the falling vampire, who will by now be burnt to a
crisp. Catch the ashes in the banjo, and have the mouse slap the
head back on the banjo. Pelt the dragon with wax fruit. He will
breathe fire on it, melting it. Continue until the banjo is covered
with wax. Have the mouse return it to you. While the wax is still
warm, impress upon it the religious symbol of your choice. (Athiests
may make squiggly lines- the vampire is in no shape to know the
difference.) This will keep the vampire in there for good.
Send the virgin to clean the kitchen. She may as well be good for
something. When she reports finding a toad and eggshells, give her a
bindweed wand. She won't know the difference. Send her out to face
the basilisk. Give her an aphrodisiac. She's already screwed, she
may as well enjoy it.
Return your attention to the dragon. Summon a large number of Veela
for his amusement and a last meal. Read to him the from the book of
logarithemic tables. He will die of boredom.
Go home and have tea. Set a bowl of wax fruit on the counter to look
pretty. Wind up the clockwork mouse and have it do tricks to amuse
you as you wait for Geoff to return your e-mail.
Copy and paste the answer here:
Send in your answers to Kneasy. Get your results. E-mail Geoff and
ask him to divide the answer in 2 so that you might share the results
with him properly. Make a note to take a remedial Maths class. Note
that a large black dog has been following you around. Breathe a sigh
of relief that you won't have to be bothered with that Maths class.
Ginger, hoping she got everything.
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