Real world endings for HP

[mooseming]

Thought I'd share this from the Financial Times. (will make more 
sense to Brits on the whole)

Published: July 18 2007 

Across the world, fans of Harry Potter are in a state of high 
excitement as they await the final book in the series and the saga's 
outcome. The result of the final showdown between Harry and his foe 
Voldemort remains a well-kept secret, but many believe the author 
J.K. Rowling will want to surprise readers with something more 
original than a mere battle to the death. Here are the main theories.

1) Harry and Voldemort agree a leadership pact at a posh eatery in 
Islington, in which Harry agrees to stand aside for the Dark Lord in 
seven years' time, when he will disappear into the murky shadows and 
allow Voldemort to present himself as the change candidate. Harry 
later reneges on the deal, setting off a second series and an 
accompanying diary by his press secretary.

2) Voldemort launches an audacious leveraged buyout bid for Hogwarts 
backed by Gringotts and KKR. A team of other fictional villains led 
by Ernst Stavro Blofeld, Professor Moriarty and the Daleks launch a 
rival consortium, with funding from Bain Capital. The rival 
consortium trump his bid with an all-cash offer and a promise to 
retain the existing management but are beaten when Voldemort turns 
them into gerbils.

3) Voldemort's and Harry's warring factions are just about to face 
off in the final conflict when they get word that Tesco is planning 
to site a hypermarket near Diagon Alley. They call off their feud 
and join forces with the Witches' Institute to protect small 
shopkeepers and the right to buy Mattesons processed meat.

4) At the age of 19, Hermione Grainger publishes a kiss-and-tell 
autobiography, blowing the lid off the seething cauldron of sex at 
Hogwarts. Although this stymies her opportunities in the job market 
she secures a column in Maxim and a daytime presenting slot on UK 
Gold. After the work dries up she is forced into posing in varying 
states of undress for lads' mags but resurfaces triumphantly five 
years later on Celebrity Big Brother, after which she secures a 
column in Maxim and a daytime presenting job on UK Gold.

5) Ron Weasley quits magic and sets up a hedge fund (Hedgewarts) 
that goes long on Bloomsbury and Warner Bros having secretly 
discovered plans for an eighth book. 

6) The cast of characters all go their separate ways but keep in 
touch via a social networking site, Wizbook. However, the bad blood 
reignites when Draco Malfoy claims to have more Wizbook friends than 
Harry.

7) Voldemort defeats Harry and becomes the new headmaster of 
Hogwarts, which becomes a city academy. His teaching style is widely 
denounced by educationists but wins praise from Chris Woodhead for 
its emphasis on traditional methods. 

8) Voldemort and Harry bury the hatchet and shortly afterwards 
announce their intention to marry by civil partnership, with Hello 
magazine securing the exclusive rights to the reception.

9) Harry defeats Voldemort but then spends years in analysis working 
out his anger and post-traumatic stress disorder, becoming a regular 
on Oprah, before slapping Hogwarts with a £12bn lawsuit. He is 
countersued by Ron and Hermione who accuse him of reckless 
endangerment while the death-eaters hire ambulance-chasing lawyers 
to file a class action against all Harry's allies.

10) Harry acquires a posh girlfriend and the couple emigrate to Los 
Angeles, where he has been hired at enormous cost in an attempt to 
take Quidditch to the US.

11) After a brief period of celebrity, Harry finds himself eclipsed 
by a new publishing phenomenon and ends up performing conjuring 
tricks in clubs in the north-east.