[HPFGU-OTChatter] Re: Bullying

[Shaun Hately]

On 27 Jul 2002 at 9:02, Heidi Tandy wrote:

> What about now? If someone who'd bullied you 20 years ago apologized now, 
> could you allow yourself to become friends?

Just to give my perspective. I do know some of the people who bullied me. I don't 
think I could ever have a close friendship with any of them. I get along well with a 
couple of them, I don't hate being in their presence (-8 But genuine friendship - not 
an option. 

Heidi:
> When I went to camp the summer I was eleven,my cabinmates tried to drown me, 
> tied yarn all around my bed so I couldn't get out, set my alarm clock after I went to 
> sleep so it would go off at 2am and everyone would hate me, put nair in my 
> conditioner, ruined some - but not all - of my books, and made me miserable. I 
> changed bunks after 5 weeks and the last 3 weeks were fine - but it was a 
> miserable thing while it lasted. And I've blocked out a lot of the memroies, I know.

I don't want to diminish what you experienced in any way - because any bullying 
activity can really hurt people - but what you describe here is *nothing* like as bad 
as it can be - except possibly the trying to drown you, that does sound pretty drastic. 
Whether you can be friends may well depend on what you experienced. I find it hard 
to even admit to a lot of what was done to me at school - suffice to say, if an adult 
did it to another adult, they'd be looking at decades of potential prison time. It also 
depends, I think, on the age when it happened - it's a lot easier to forgive something 
done to you by an 11 year old, than something done by a 16 year old - because the 
16 year old is more likely to be closer to the person they are today.

> Imagine my surprise on the first day of my son's preschool last fall, when one of 
> his classmates' mums introduced hetself as Karen, one of my bunkmates from 
> that terrible summer. Midyear, she took me out and apologized profusely, gave 
> me some explanations of the "why" - things I never knew - and we cried together. 
> And we're friends now - motivated by our kids being friends- but how can I remain 
> angry at a 32 year old psychologist for what she did at 12?

It's not necessarily a matter of being angry. I don't feel anger at the people who 
bullied me anymore. Those who I've met since, I've been more than happy to 
forgive. But friendship with them?

It's not an option for me. I can be polite, I can talk to them, I can drink with them, 
joke with them, I can make every effort in my power to avoid resenting what they 
did to me, and I can get along. But to be friends... I can forgive. But I can never 
forget.

If a person can do that, if they can make friends with those people - well, that's 
great. But you're a better person than I am. I have to live with the memories - and I 
can't be a friend to a person who makes me remember everytime I see their face. 
Maybe they're not the same person who bullied me - but a lot of me is still the same 
person they hurt.

Yours Without Wax, Dreadnought
Shaun Hately |webpage: http://www.alphalink.com.au/~drednort/thelab.html
(ISTJ)       |email: drednort at alphalink.com.au | ICQ: 6898200
"You know the very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in
common. They don't alter their views to fit the facts. They alter
the facts to fit the views. Which can be uncomfortable if you happen
to be one of the facts that need altering." The Doctor - Doctor Who:
The Face of Evil | Where am I: Frankston, Victoria, Australia