[HPFGU-OTChatter] Re: Bullying

[Jennifer Boggess Ramon]

At 9:02 AM -0400 7/27/02, Heidi Tandy wrote:
>Jennifer Boggess wrote:
>**I could
>never have become friends with any of the bullies who bothered me, my
>brother, or the other "easy targets" - I could never have respected
>them.**
>
>What about now? If someone who'd bullied you 20 years ago apologized 
>now, could you allow yourself to become friends?

There's not much I can say beyond "I agree with Shaun's response." 
It's not a matter of "allowing."

>When I went to camp the summer I was eleven,my cabinmates tried to 
>drown me, tied yarn all around my bed so I couldn't get out, set my 
>alarm clock after I went to sleep so it would go off at 2am and 
>everyone would hate me, put nair in my conditioner, ruined some - 
>but not all - of my books, and made me miserable. I changed bunks 
>after 5 weeks and the last 3 weeks were fine - b ut it was a 
>miserable thing while it lasted. And I've blocked out a lot of the 
>memroies, I know.

I'm afraid someone who only managed to make eight weeks of my life 
miserable would be a blip on the bully screen for me.  About half of 
what you list above I probably would have mentally categorized as 
deeply unfunny practical jokes rather than bullying per se, and tried 
to laugh them off - something I never attempted to do with a bully. 
The drowning sounds serious, and about like what I remember happening 
at camp.

>Imagine my surprise on the first day of my son's preschool last 
>fall, when one of his classmates' mums introduced hetself as Karen, 
>one of my bunkmates from that terrible summer. Midyear, she took me 
>out and apologized profusely, gave me some explanations of the "why" 
>- things I never knew - and we cried together. And we're friends now 
>- motivated by our kids being friends- but how can I remain angry at 
>a 32 year old psychologist for what she did at 12?

Oh, I'm not angry with most of my old bullies.  Mostly, I feel sorry 
for them, and wonder where they are now, and whether they ever 
mastered any other social skills.  If one of the followers - the 
Crabbes and Goyles, as it were - showed up now and apologized, I's 
certainly accept the apology.  I could be friendly acquaintances with 
them, if I thought the apology was sincere.  But I could never be 
friends with them, never offer them any real intimacy.  There are 
consequences to their behavior, and that is one of them; I'm not 
going to go out of my way to mollify those consequences.

Now, there are two bozos who routinely beat up my brother, broke his 
glasses, and destroyed his artwork for the three years I wasn't on 
the bus to protect him to whom I wouldn't even attempt to be civil if 
I ever met them again, even if they groveled on the floor in apology. 
Fortunately, I don't live in the same state, and my brother 
eventually learned that the tongue is sharper than the fist.

-- 
  - Boggles, aka J. C. B. Ramon			boggles at earthlink.net
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